Monthly Archives: September 2011

Recession Your Way to Youth! The Upside to the Economic Downturn

I feel sorry for all of you unaffected by the recession. While you’ve been doing the same ol’ same ol’ for less money and with less co-workers employed to help, the rest of us are regaining our youth through Recess To Our Youth Jobs! These are the jobs that you could afford to take back when you were young with no responsibilities and cared more about having fun than getting paid. I myself have received this wonderful lifestyle makeover and let me tell you…forget Botox! I’m 23 all over again thanks to my new old job as a barista! I once was a shot-puller in Seattle for years before moving on and getting swept up by adulthood. You know what that got me? Played out anxieties like, “What am I doing with my life?!” and, “I thought I’d have a career by now!” But thanks to my Recess to Youth Job, I get to say goodbye to all those pesky questions and get back to the fun days before mid-life crisis shows up.

So do these jobs guarantee a complete rewind to the past? Silly adults, of course not. It’s better than that! You get to renew your youthful lifestyle with experience under your belt. For instance, cute boys that wandered into my old Seattle cafe jobs used to crush my heart. Now I’m married and don’t give a damn. I get to enjoy their pretty for what it is: something fancy to look at while taking an order.

But what about the serious cut in pay?  What about it? No need for pricey trainers, you’re working out through manual labor. Want to go out on the town? Barter, barter, barter your way to clubs, bars, movie theaters, you name it. Everyone loves a latte hook-up. And if you need a face lift… ladies and gentlemen, what gives that flash of youth and naiveté than truly casual wear at work. Don’t believe me? Put on some jeans and a t-shirt (not tucked in) and tell me you don’t get mistaken for your own child.

But what about necessities? What about food?  Here’s a little secret: baristas get all the day-old pastries they can stomach. How about rent?  That’s the best part! With such a low paying job, you get to move in with other people all over again. You’ll get to practice your team playing skills while organizing kegger parties to raise money for utility bills and toilet paper. Also, socializing has been proven to be good for your health, and with roommates, you’ll never be short of rehashing last night’s events, bad dates, and complaining about no one picking up after themselves.

So what’s holding you back? Nothing but envy? I understand. Us Recessionary Youths originally scrapped and begged for a piece of your pie, but I’m sure as you order that next cappuccino from that thirty-something barista that somehow looks naturally twenty-something, you’ll be begging for a job application. No resume required.

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DADT Over! Why Straight Women Should Support Gay Rights

The end of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is finally here! Soldiers are coming out of the closet to their families through videos, some are probably racking up bet money on who they already knew was gay, and best of all, straight women who aren’t sure of a soldier’s sexual orientation can just ask and be told.  Imagine, lessening the chance of becoming a beard only to be dumped in your old age for a much younger man. Why can only women attracted to military men score this dating advantage?

Women who like civilian men should demand the same frankness in their playing field. If straight women helped push through more legislation for gay equality, there’s a good chance being gay would be less of a stigma and cause less closeted gay men to play straight and dupe another poor girl.

To those women against gay rights… Are you just afraid your man is gay and would leave you if he could? Chances are he will or leaves you all the time without your knowing anyway, so don’t be selfish and ruin it for everyone else! Do you believe it’s a sinful choice that can be changed?  Even if it was, would you really want to be with a man who wouldn’t choose you? Besides, I think we all know the number one rule of dating – don’t pick a guy you have to change ’cause they never do. Maybe you just think being gay is a disease? Fine, think it, but wouldn’t you want to know if a man had this “disease” rather than not?

Ladies, ladies, ladies. I’m not asking you to support gay rights to help gay men, I’m asking you to do this for straight women everywhere. Enough of using your faulty gaydars, rummaging through your date’s CD collection for clues of questionable taste, and driving yourselves mad with the question of, “Does he not want to sleep with me because he’s tired, or because he’s gay?” Let’s get this gay thing out there and over with so we can all finally know if the guy you want truly wants you or the guy standing next to you.

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