One thing I miss about being single is getting to overanalyze men. It’s fun dreaming up all the different ways a man is secretly in love with you: he hasn’t called since your last date because he’s scared he’s in love with you, he walks down the same street to get to his apartment next to yours because he’s in love with you, he broke up with you because his love for you made him want to work out his issues with another woman that doesn’t mean as much to him as you do.
Some books are trying to convince us to stop using overanalysis because according to them it’s easy to decipher a man’s actions. Oh really? Well then why did the OJ trial last nine months? I say to the single ladies, “He is that into you,” but you’ll only know it if you practice overanalysis regularly in female company with wine or hot tea. But how about women in relationships, how do we keep this blade sharp? By dissecting the only men out there still pursuing us: Politicians.
To practice, let’s take a look at the current hunters and gatherers seeking the GOP nomination. Since overanalysis takes hours of discussion, let’s use today’s blog to go over step one – you and me girl, we’re talking first impressions! Be totally superficial. There are a lot of guys interested in you so we need to know who’s really worth discussing. And trust me, if you want him then he wants you.
Declared 2012 Republican Presidential Candidates in Alphabetical Order
U.S. Representative from Minnesota
With a name like that he’s gotta be French. That’s great cause French guys are usually into girls like us that are not traditional American beauties. But Michele’s kind of a funny lookin’ dude. A little too pretty, boyish fem. Like he doesn’t want to grow up or he’s just really young and doesn’t know anything.
Businessman, Politician & Media
He looks kinda old so you have to decide if you still like that. You know when you’re young you’re into older guys, then after a certain age the tables turn and you become the old person into the young kid? I think I’m almost hitting that point. Also those glasses scream, I’m really into numbers and you’re gonna have to pay for your own meal. INTIMACY ALERT!
Former Speaker of the House
Super dirty old man. Jovial soft looking guys creep me out, especially when they sound too straight and narrow. That’s a sure sign there’s some super dirty dirt-like hookers and blow kind of dirt. He’ll pursue you ‘cause you’re wholesome; something he needs to satisfy his desire for unconditional mommy love. But don’t fall for this type again! Jerks in sheep’s clothing always use you, dump you and then leave you at a friend’s place to cry.
Former Governor of Utah and Ambassador to China
He’s a little chipmunky but I love that his name is both manly and ketchup. I get the feeling he’s known some serious fuckups back when he had a band and didn’t know what he wanted to do with his life. He probably got into politics ’cause he figured it’d be a good time. Hell, he was an ambassador! Elegant party right here! He may have good intentions but may be scared to be with you cause he might not be ready to settle.
Former Governor of New Mexico
Gary needs a new haircut. He seems timid, like he kind of likes you but wants you to like him more. After trying to get you to like him he’ll probably get really pissed off when you like someone else. This type complains that girls only like jerks, but his only friends are those jerks.
Political Consultant & Gay Rights Activist
Why hello. He looks kinda tall. So cute! Oh wait, he’s gay? Damn. Should have known. Oh well. Next!
Self-Professed People’s Attorney General & Internet Powerhouse
He looks like he got away with something. His tie is twisted which can be adorable, but did you hear what he did? He started rumors about another guy’s birth certificate. Are you kidding me? A 66 year old man starting rumors! He’ll probably seem really fun and sweet at first, but when you dump him he’s gonna tell everyone how much of a bitch you are. Stay away from this smiling menace!
Former Mayoral, Gubernatorial & Senatorial Candidate for the Rent Is Too Damn High Party
Look at his look! So cool. Plus he’s so angry. This hipster obviously knows what attitude compliments his wardrobe. If you go for him he’s gonna want you to be 500% committed cause that’s how he is with his politics, his art, his everything. It’s his way or no way. I don’t know if any of us are ready for that kind of commitment.
Career Flight Attendant
I know I’m not supposed to look at what these guys do, but come on. If a guy puts it all out there you’re gonna look. His boring awkward look screams safe bet, but he’s a flight attendant so we all know what that means: Flight Attendant = Slut. He could be one of the few monogamous ones, but seriously, do you want to go through the whole dating process with that on your mind?
Representative from the State of Texas
He likes them young and you’re good with it cause you like them older so he can teach you things. And he seems really cool; you just wish he’d hang out with more people his own age instead of those beautiful hippie girls he’s friends with at the Indian Buffet restaurant near campus. Guys like Ron love strong independent women and are cool with them doing whatever as long as they’re cool with him doing whatever. Kind of dreamy, but he can’t commit. He’ll inevitably dump you for a younger student.
Current Governor of Texas
Oh yeah, he seems fun! Don’t know if he has much to offer though. Like he’s gonna be into you but then you’ll realize he can’t offer you everything you deserve. Not saying you won’t get it on great, but after awhile you’ll finally dump him and move on to someone that’s right for you. Cool thing is he’ll be so happy for you he’ll probably go to your wedding and be the first to congratulate you.
Former Governor of Louisiana
Not a good time. Seriously? He was the Governor of Louisiana and still looks like this! You can do so much better.
Former Governor of Massachusetts
So handsome. You sure he’s not a flight attendant? Guys like this are actually the easiest to get. Known fact, cute boys fall for women that talk to them like a normal person. Just pretend you’re not into him for his looks only and hear him out. Who knows he might be okay. Thing is though, he’s got that east coast handsome thing going on which means he could seem fun and up for all types now but would never take you home to mom. This guy will end up with a conservative traditional type his dad and sailing buddies would be proud of.
Former US Senator from Pennsylvania
Okay if you need to get your Ryan Reynolds fantasy going then fine, but you’ll regret it later and be super ashamed. He seems cute, but he’s that weird late developed cute-like he was the ugly kid that turned better looking in college so he’s gonna be sort of cheesy and you’ll be stuck pretending to smile and laugh through a lot of his awkward jokes.
Vern’s okay, but he’s gonna spend tons of time explaining how to pronounce his last name. He’ll be super appreciative that you took the time to get his name right ‘cause nobody else takes the time to listen. Then he’ll go on and on about himself and well, you know what? Forget it.