Monthly Archives: October 2011

Sexy Costumes For World Peace

As Halloween approaches we are reminded of yet another great social tool that the public at large has once again overlooked: Sexy Costumes. Every year sexy costumes flaunt all sorts of sexy professions: nursing, housecleaning, pirating, etc… We’ve limited ourselves to see these costumes as a means to show off one or more good assets and ridicule them for being unimaginative, desperate or awkward (especially when worn by a not so sexy coworker or friend). But upon closer inspection, these thigh exposing ensembles help the public to get to know one another and relate to people from different backgrounds and ideologies. It is through sexy costumes and a proposed expansion in their catalogue that we may all finally one day get along.

For instance, usually the female nurse who greets you at the start of your annual checkup is someone you see as a walking cut-off moo moo with a pattern made by a pink and purple obsessed kitten on crack.  But after seeing the chesty Halloween version, you find that when you go back, that nurse can heal you with all her scrubs hidden sexy.  You may even be curious to know a little bit more about her and ask her questions about her life. Sexy costumes know that even though your interest is only in hopes of hooking up, thanks to your inner horndog, you will inadvertently learn about the person more than if you didn’t find her hot at all.

Now imagine if we expanded sexy costume power to become an instrument for learning about those we may have misconceptions about: the Sexy Soldier with PTSD, the Sexy Tea Partier, the Sexy Occupier, the Sexy Terrorist, the Sexy Republican, the Sexy Democrat, the Sexy Indecisive. If we knew more about one another we could start having real discussions and perhaps even start a healing process in our nation, because in the end we’d all hope for the chance to get to sleep with one another. In fact, as a great equalizer, imagine the global impact of the sexy costume if utilized on the political world stage. How much quicker would tyrants be removed if they were no longer scary but merely sexy? If fighters wore Sexy Soldier costumes, wars would end because no one would want to kill, they’d want to fuck. And tell me we couldn’t get a solid peace agreement if Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and President Mahmoud Abbas entered into negotiations wearing the Sexy Palestinian and the Sexy Israeli costume.

So this Halloween weekend, give an extra candy bar to that girl dressed as a Sexy French Maid from the Worldwide Sexy Costume Collection – she may be our greatest hope to achieving world peace without Jesus making his second coming.

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What is the Occupy Movement?

“Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like it when I’m angry.”
– Dr. David Bruce Banner

This morning I heard another radio story about the Occupy movement’s unfocused message; that if Occupy Wall Street had a clear single sentence demand, or had easy to accomplish goals, or had one specific enemy to take down, then the rest of us would join in the march. If only we knew what Occupy really was? Well people, there’s a reason there’s no one word logo, or easy to remember battle cry, because Occupy isn’t a movement, it’s THE HULK!

For those who don’t remember, the Hulk was a big green guy that came out of an unassuming but extremely cranky scientist named David Banner. Anyway, David OD’d on gamma radiation one day and afterwards anytime something pissed him off he turned into the gigantic, crazy strong and ooohhh so angry HULK. Did anyone ever question the Hulk’s message? No. Did anyone ever say, “Boy Hulk, I would love to be behind you and what you stand for but without a single cause and problem I can’t jump on board.” No! No one said that, because everyone figured that the Hulk got angry cause someone was acting like a dick, and that was good enough of a reason to cheer him on and watch him pick up and throw yet another car!  Well, that and Lou Ferrigno was a big guy and you’d be dumb to ask for one of his green ass kickings. So let’s go over what Hulk Occupier is angry about:

  • ILLEGAL FORECLOSURE PROCESSES BAD!! MAKE HULK HOMELESS AND ANGRY!!!
  • HULK WANT SMASH GOLDEN PARACHUTES OF WALL STREET FAT CATS!!! ARRGGGGHH!
  • DISCRIMINATION IN WORKPLACE AGAINST PEOPLE OF COLOR & STUFF MAKE HULK TURN GREEN AND SMASH!!!
  • HULK HATE TERMINATOR SEED! HULK LIKE ORGANIC FOOD! MONSANTO SMASH!
  • HULK GO NAKED INSTEAD OF WEAR FUR!!! HULK ALWAYS GO NAKED!!!
  • HULK WANT TO NEGOTIATE FOR BETTER AND SAFE WORKING CONDITIONS BUT CAN’T!!!! MUST THROW SOMETHING!!!
  • HULK LIKE EDUCATION BUT DON’T LIKE BIG DEBT TO GET IT!  *PUNCH THROUGH WALL*

ooo… Hulk get tired saying why angry…

  • HULK WORK OUTSOURCED SO HULK GET PAID LESS?!!! *HULK THROW EXECUTIVE OUT PENTHOUSE WINDOW*
  • CORPORATIONS NO RIGHTS LIKE HULK!!!! HULK WANT CHANGE!!!!
  • HULK NO LIKE LAWYERS AND PEOPLE WHO NO MAKE CONTRACTS FOR HEALTH INSURANCE FOR HULK!!!
  • WHAT?!!!! HULK NO HAVE PRIVACY?!!! HULK SMAAAAASSSSSHHHHH!!!!
  • ACCELERATOR ON HULK’S PRIUS MAKE HULK’S PRIUS GO SMASH AND MAKE HULK WANT TO SMASH!!!
  • HULK NO LIKE YOUR IDEA FOR ECONOMIC POLICY!!! PAUL KRUGMAN KNOW BETTER!!!
  • *HULK BEAT CHEST AND THROW CORPORATION DONATING MONEY TO POLITICIAN DOWN A DITCH*
  • HULK NO WANT OIL!!! HULK WANT SOMETHING ELSE!!! HULK WANT FUEL CELLS NOW!!!!
  • HULK FRIEND DR. BANNER LIKE GENERIC MEDICINE BUT NO CAN GET?!!!  ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!
  • HULK NO LIKE PEOPLE WHO LIKE PROFIT NOT PEOPLE!!!!
  • SMASH!!!
  • HULK LIKE TV!!! HULK WANT NET NEUTRALITY NOW!!!  HULK NO LIKE CHANGES IN NETFLIX!!!
  • NO ONE NEED MURDER PRISONERS!!! IF HULK NO KILL NO ONE DOES!!!
  • HULK NO KNOW WHAT COLONIALISM IS!!! HULK ‘NO LIKE’ ON FACEBOOK!!!
  • HULK ONLY WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!! HULK BREAK ALL OTHER WEAPONS!!! *Run away in slow motion*

Hulk done talking now. HULK INTERVIEW OVER!!! SMASH!!! PUNCH!!! BREAK!!!

HULK NO CONDONE VIOLENCE!!! ARRRRGGGGGHHH!!!

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DIY Artist’s Retreat

I usually like to comment on social and political goings on, but instead this week I figured I’d just make everyone jealous. Isn’t that what being an artist is all about? Oh those artists with their extravagant bohemian lifestyles throwing caution to the wind, indulging in their need to express themselves. Yeah, that’s me this week and you know what? It’s awesome!!!!!

A month ago I finally decided to be the artist I am and without any government funding, eccentric rich friends with remote cabins in picturesque environs, or overseas citizenship (Say BBC? Any new television shows for us to remake this year?), I did what any red-blooded American artist would do – I took unpaid time off from my part-time jobs and made my own writer’s retreat by getting a cheap ticket to Denver and crashing out at a friend’s place.

It still blows me away that I did it, but I’m so happy to say that I’m currently in Colorado workshopping my one woman show with Denver theater director and actor Mare Trevathan. In case you don’t know, workshopping is an intensive working, rehearsing and revising of a script to get it closer to its final draft. In emotional artistic terms it’s like waking up every day to Debbie Allen from FAME:

“You’ve got big dreams, you want fame, well fame costs and right here is where you start paying… in sweat.”

Except I’m not sweating. It’s Denver in October and it’s f’ing beautiful! I get up early, run so I can clear my brain, shower, rewrite using yesterday’s notes then it’s off to the Denver Theater Center’s rehearsal rooms where Mare and I read over the script, try out some staging, rearrange wording and then laugh our asses off at our brilliant ideas. After all, brilliant is what all artists think their ideas are. And like any fantastic artistic retreat there’s also been wine, unexpected performances by fellow artists, and fabulous philosophical discussions. Mare read written work with members of the Colorado Chamber Players playing Dvořák’s music beside her on my first day here. How thrilling?! And in an art gallery! How apropos! Then with the music still fresh in my mind and inspiring the new direction of my work, we made our way to The Kitchen in Boulder where we partook as true Bon Vivants in their late night happy hour. C’est cheap? C’est bon.

Still, what I’ve enjoyed most and in all seriousness I can’t explain with enough words or with enough emotion, is how truly incredible it’s been to be able to get away and approach my work with clean perspective and without daily duties getting in the way. I used to give my old roommate Don Hamersley a bit of hell and call him lazy when he’d tell me he would be able to finish his screenplays if he could just get away to write. “Write. Don’t talk,” I’d cheer all around the apartment to encourage him to finish his work. Now if someone told me that I’d say do it! Get the hell out of town! If you can’t wait five to six months for some non-profit to hopefully choose you and your work to support and hook you up with an established artist’s retreat then get a cheap ticket, find a friend who can let you stay at their place to work, and find someone (a third eye or guide) who is willing to do the work with you and give yourself a much needed creative retreat. In other words… MORE WINE!!!!

Mare Trevathan helping figure out the order of Rene Parker's show I WANT A BABY?

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The Art of Overanalysis GOP Edition

One thing I miss about being single is getting to overanalyze men. It’s fun dreaming up all the different ways a man is secretly in love with you: he hasn’t called since your last date because he’s scared he’s in love with you, he walks down the same street to get to his apartment next to yours because he’s in love with you, he broke up with you because his love for you made him want to work out his issues with another woman that doesn’t mean as much to him as you do.

Some books are trying to convince us to stop using overanalysis because according to them it’s easy to decipher a man’s actions. Oh really? Well then why did the OJ trial last nine months? I say to the single ladies, “He is that into you,” but you’ll only know it if you practice overanalysis regularly in female company with wine or hot tea. But how about women in relationships, how do we keep this blade sharp? By dissecting the only men out there still pursuing us: Politicians.

To practice, let’s take a look at the current hunters and gatherers seeking the GOP nomination. Since overanalysis takes hours of discussion, let’s use today’s blog to go over step one – you and me girl, we’re talking first impressions! Be totally superficial. There are a lot of guys interested in you so we need to know who’s really worth discussing. And trust me, if you want him then he wants you.
Declared 2012 Republican Presidential Candidates in Alphabetical Order

Michele Bachmann
U.S. Representative from Minnesota

With a name like that he’s gotta be French. That’s great cause French guys are usually into girls like us that are not traditional American beauties. But Michele’s kind of a funny lookin’ dude. A little too pretty, boyish fem. Like he doesn’t want to grow up or he’s just really young and doesn’t know anything.

Herman Cain
Businessman, Politician & Media

He looks kinda old so you have to decide if you still like that. You know when you’re young you’re into older guys, then after a certain age the tables turn and you become the old person into the young kid? I think I’m almost hitting that point. Also those glasses scream, I’m really into numbers and you’re gonna have to pay for your own meal. INTIMACY ALERT!

Newt Gingrich
Former Speaker of the House

Super dirty old man.  Jovial soft looking guys creep me out, especially when they sound too straight and narrow. That’s a sure sign there’s some super dirty dirt-like hookers and blow kind of dirt. He’ll pursue you ‘cause you’re wholesome; something he needs to satisfy his desire for unconditional mommy love. But don’t fall for this type again! Jerks in sheep’s clothing always use you, dump you and then leave you at a friend’s place to cry.

Jon Huntsman
Former Governor of Utah and Ambassador to China

He’s a little chipmunky but I love that his name is both manly and ketchup. I get the feeling he’s known some serious fuckups back when he had a band and didn’t know what he wanted to do with his life. He probably got into politics ’cause he figured it’d be a good time. Hell, he was an ambassador! Elegant party right here! He may have good intentions but may be scared to be with you cause he might not be ready to settle.

Gary Johnson
Former Governor of New Mexico

Gary needs a new haircut. He seems timid, like he kind of likes you but wants you to like him more. After trying to get you to like him he’ll probably get really pissed off when you like someone else. This type complains that girls only like jerks, but his only friends are those jerks.

Fred Karger
Political Consultant & Gay Rights Activist

Why hello. He looks kinda tall. So cute! Oh wait, he’s gay? Damn. Should have known. Oh well. Next!

Andy Martin
Self-Professed People’s Attorney General & Internet Powerhouse

He looks like he got away with something. His tie is twisted which can be adorable, but did you hear what he did? He started rumors about another guy’s birth certificate. Are you kidding me? A 66 year old man starting rumors! He’ll probably seem really fun and sweet at first, but when you dump him he’s gonna tell everyone how much of a bitch you are. Stay away from this smiling menace!

Jimmy McMillan
Former Mayoral, Gubernatorial & Senatorial Candidate for the Rent Is Too Damn High Party

Look at his look! So cool.  Plus he’s so angry. This hipster obviously knows what attitude compliments his wardrobe. If you go for him he’s gonna want you to be 500% committed cause that’s how he is with his politics, his art, his everything. It’s his way or no way. I don’t know if any of us are ready for that kind of commitment.

Tom Miller
Career Flight Attendant

I know I’m not supposed to look at what these guys do, but come on. If a guy puts it all out there you’re gonna look. His boring awkward look screams safe bet, but he’s a flight attendant so we all know what that means: Flight Attendant = Slut. He could be one of the few monogamous ones, but seriously, do you want to go through the whole dating process with that on your mind?

Ron Paul
Representative from the State of Texas

He likes them young and you’re good with it cause you like them older so he can teach you things. And he seems really cool; you just wish he’d hang out with more people his own age instead of those beautiful hippie girls he’s friends with at the Indian Buffet restaurant near campus. Guys like Ron love strong independent women and are cool with them doing whatever as long as they’re cool with him doing whatever. Kind of dreamy, but he can’t commit. He’ll inevitably dump you for a younger student.

Rick Perry
Current Governor of Texas

Oh yeah, he seems fun! Don’t know if he has much to offer though. Like he’s gonna be into you but then you’ll realize he can’t offer you everything you deserve. Not saying you won’t get it on great, but after awhile you’ll finally dump him and move on to someone that’s right for you. Cool thing is he’ll be so happy for you he’ll probably go to your wedding and be the first to congratulate you.

Buddy Roemer
Former Governor of Louisiana

Not a good time. Seriously? He was the Governor of Louisiana and still looks like this! You can do so much better.

Mitt Romney
Former Governor of Massachusetts

So handsome. You sure he’s not a flight attendant? Guys like this are actually the easiest to get. Known fact, cute boys fall for women that talk to them like a normal person. Just pretend you’re not into him for his looks only and hear him out. Who knows he might be okay. Thing is though, he’s got that east coast handsome thing going on which means he could seem fun and up for all types now but would never take you home to mom. This guy will end up with a conservative traditional type his dad and sailing buddies would be proud of.

Rick Santorum
Former US Senator from Pennsylvania

Okay if you need to get your Ryan Reynolds fantasy going then fine, but you’ll regret it later and be super ashamed. He seems cute, but he’s that weird late developed cute-like he was the ugly kid that turned better looking in college so he’s gonna be sort of cheesy and you’ll be stuck pretending to smile and laugh through a lot of his awkward jokes.

Vern Wuensche
Businessman

Vern’s okay, but he’s gonna spend tons of time explaining how to pronounce his last name. He’ll be super appreciative that you took the time to get his name right ‘cause nobody else takes the time to listen. Then he’ll go on and on about himself and well, you know what? Forget it.

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