People get married to keep a good person next to them for life, which is why gay marriage should be made legal nationwide so we can make Congressman Barney Frank stay with us even if he’s ready to call it quits. We can’t just let a catch like him get up and leave Congress. Barney is cute, has a lisp, and his name… is there anyone better qualified to get grumpy and tell it like it is other than a Barney? I mean sure you can find one at your local dive bar now and then, but in the House of Representatives, that’s harder to come by. I know right now there are bigger stories to discuss, including the Occupy demonstrators getting kicked out of L.A.’s City Hall, but like after any break-up, I only want to talk about the break-up.
So why are you leaving us Barney? It’s us, not you? That’s just like you isn’t it; blaming everyone but yourself. Or what, things got too tough? You’re ready to move on? I’ve heard it before, but you can’t escape love Mr. Frank. You gave of yourself and fought for us and made us think you’d always be there. You have been that boyfriend that is a jerk to everyone but his girlfriend. That’s because conservatives don’t understand you the way your constituents and I do. I know about the redistricting in Massachusetts and your unwillingness to woo a whole set of new voters, but what did you expect? That’s what happens in a long term relationship. People change now and then and you have to do the romance dance all over again. Are we not worth it?
You say you can better serve by not seeking re-election, but we all know what that means–you found someone else didn’t you? It’s Jim Ready isn’t it? I know you guys have been seeing each other for five years but what’s gonna happen when he’s your only one? That relationship seems fun right now ’cause it’s your escape from Congress, but when you leave, do you think it will still have that same je ne sais quoi? Well I wish Jim lots of luck. He’s gonna need it, ’cause I don’t know how he’s gonna handle it when you have no one else to get angry with but him every day. I’m sorry. I’m not bitter. We’re adults after all. I’m sure Jim is a lovely man with a beard. It’s just hard to say goodbye after 16 terms in office. You’ve been so lovely at being so angry and loud Barney: your little voice ready to give out at any moment, your disheveled hair. I hope this next year lets you fulfill everything you wanted to and continue to kick mucho ass outside of Congress. Enjoy your life to the fullest at 71 Mr. Frank. I’ll try to move on and enjoy CSPAN without you. In the meantime, forgive me if I sit and replay these old videos of you to bad break-up ballads that always seem to pop up every time I think of you. *Tear*
Go to 3:05 for his speech