Monthly Archives: March 2012

Sorry no post today

So sorry everyone but my dog ate my computer and my post was on it. The vet says that by next week we can get the computer out of him and I can post something then. In the meantime enjoy this video I took of some goats who had babies that day. Have a great week!

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Violent People Suck

T-shirt "I'm an asshole"
There’s been a lot of attention given this week to the trials of two men charged with murder: Robert Bales for shooting 16 civilians in Afghanistan and ruining it for everybody, and George Zimmerman of Florida who feels so threatened by unarmed 17-yr-olds that he shot and killed one. Sadly these two men are not anomalies. They remind me that there is an entire population who make life suck for the rest of the world. Thanks to them the rest of us can’t walk around late at night by ourselves, or enjoy a good game of “Your Team Sucks, No Your Team Sucks” at a sports event, or even go to school without being ninja trained and packin’ heat.  I still don’t understand what’s so hard about not killing people. Do violent people have nothing better to do? Did they not pay attention in grade school when they were told to keep their hands to themselves? Perhaps those that don’t get it need an explanation for why you shouldn’t kill. Let me put it like this: by one person killing, the party is ruined. If you murder someone or beat someone up to a pulp, you are automatically making yourself into “that guy” that nobody will want to invite to anything fun. I’m bringing this up because I’m not sure these people know how much they suck. After all, we make them out to be aberrations better kept at a distance from the rest of society and are judged differently through the judicial system than how they would be in public. In court, judges pronounce them “guilty,” cops call them “criminals,” and news reporters announce they are “dangerous.” I suggest we start calling them what they really are: Assholes. [For the sake of argument I’m purposefully keeping non-violent crimes out of this discussion as white-collar criminals are more deserving of a name like “Dick” rather than “Asshole.”]
The definition of an asshole reads:
noun Vulgar
1.anus.
2.Slang .a.)a stupid, mean, or contemptible person.
b.)the worst part of a place or thing.
Seeing that violent criminals fit the above descriptions, I believe their punishment should include something that reflects the sensibility and manner of punishment used by non-contemptible people. We should ask that a convicted, stupid mean anus be made to wear monitored shirts at all times that say, “I’m an Asshole.” In prison  it would really drive home the message of who they’re surrounded by. Outside of prison they’d learn how hard it is for assholes to get jobs, enjoy nice holiday meals, or to go out and make love connections. Although some women like assholes, so maybe that wouldn’t teach them much of anything.
By calling them what they are, I wonder if it would have any effect. After all, everyone wants to be cool even when they are in a non-cool scene. Would gangsters kill if they knew how lame it was? Would angry lovers hold back their rage if they knew they were heading to “You Suck” land? Would that guy in France have killed those paratroopers and the people inside a Jewish school if he knew that doing so would not make him cool, but instead a loser? Probably so. I guess assholes are assholes for a reason; if they were smart then they wouldn’t be.
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Whole Foods Hates Vegetarians

Kanye West Mike Myers Whole FoodsOur neighbor invited my husband and I over for dinner. She was cooking sea bass with lemon, onions and olive oil in a tagine along with a variety of vegetable side dishes. Since my husband’s a vegetarian and I’d rather him not be left out, I offered to buy a vegan fish fillet that my neighbor could season the same as the real fish and she agreed to do it. So I went to Whole Foods to buy the same fake fish I’ve been buying there for years when lo and behold, Whole Foods has gone mainstream. No longer could I find basic veggie salmon, I couldn’t even find veggie shrimp! The only item they had that was vegan and of the seafood persuasion was a vegan salmon in a sweet chili sauce. I think it even had mango in it.  This tells me three things:

1. Whole Foods thinks vegetarians only eat Asian flavored foods.
2. Whole Foods thinks vegetarians don’t know how to cook.
3. Whole Foods think vegetarians are college students who only own a microwave to reheat food.

Well guess what Whole Foods–I own an All-Clad set! I cook vegetarian at home, am married to a vegetarian and love to cook so I don’t like getting the few vegan meat options to make meat alternative meals taken away! Sure I could make veggie meats from scratch, but I’ll do that when every wing-eater on earth goes out and plucks their own chicken. I already make my own bread, yogurt and butter. Can a girl get a break?! I just want to have the same basic food items available as the customer around the corner who only knows how to cook on her Foreman Grill. Why does that person get to have all the fun of using any sauce for her protein, while all I’ve got is another ginger garlic concoction?

Now some meat-eaters and non-meat-eaters alike will argue that fake meat in and of itself is nasty and weird because it’s fake so I shouldn’t bother and just move on. But isn’t everything we eat made fake?! Beef is grounded into an indistinguishable mound, and in many fast-food chains is given “meat flavoring” to make sure it tastes good. Vegetables are transformed into different shapes to make them seem like something else all the time. Ever had zucchini “spaghetti”? No it doesn’t taste completely like real spaghetti, but when cut into long thin slivers it acts the same in that it holds the sauce in a fun way. And look at all the food transformations being made by celebrity chefs to make one food taste or look like another, or the use of Miracle Fruit to make sour foods taste sweet for one meal.

So why this sudden change of heart Whole Foods? You can’t deny what you started off as. I remember back in Texas when you were run by a bunch of hippies, artists, musicians and people who believe that rock crystal actually work as a substitute for deodorant. Back then your employees actually knew about the products you sold. I liked you when you were crusty. Back then you were a vegetarian’s best friend. Now, I don’t know who you are anymore. I mean it was exciting to see you expand, add more tasty expensive items with a short shelf-life to your aisles, but your changing ways have gone too far. I want my unsauced veggie salmon back, I want faux shrimp, I want my Follow Your Heart Chicken-Free Chicken (which is excellent for making shredded chicken recipes), and I want my old Whole Foods back so I can eat something other than vegetable stir-fry with tofu.

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Rush Admits He’s The Unsexiest Man In The World

I had always seen Rush Limbaugh as a mean-spirited, oozing-with-cheap-grossness man dressed in Casual Friday attire. So when the controversy with Sandra Fluke arose I wasn’t surprised that he had said something vile and unfriendly, but I was surprised by how he said it. There was so much resentment behind his words “Slut” and “Prostitute” that I felt bad for Mr. Limbaugh. Behind the hate-filled words is clearly a man who hasn’t had any sex in a long, long, longer than a nun long time. If ever.
As most women know, insults are the keys to insecurities. Sex was so clearly on Rush Limbaugh’s mind when he spoke of Ms. Fluke, listeners could practically hear a waterfall of tears from his lonely manhood.  To not be loved (and not by choice) can drive people crazy. It’s no wonder he hates anyone else who is gettin’ some. But like many jealous people it’s hard to admit it, so it’s easier to blame everyone else for what they lack. It’s like those guys who think women only like jerks. These men think they’re automatically the nice guy because they’re alone and pretending to be nice in hopes of a woman liking them. Thing is, it’s not nice to only be nice for the sake of hooking up. That’s just fake-nice, user-nice, and women can smell it a mile away. So when fake-nice men get rejected they don’t blame themselves for being unsuccessfully manipulative, they blame the woman and her unjust taste in “jerks.”
But perhaps it’s not just sex that Rush Limbaugh can’t get, but more specifically sex with prostitutes. After all, Sandra Fluke is not a professional lady of the night, so naming these occupations sounds like a Freudian slip to me. Since he said prostitutes and sluts with such loathing (as if it’s an insult to practice the oldest profession in the world) it’s only fair to conclude that he has been repeatedly rejected by them. I don’t know if he realizes this, but Rush Limbaugh subconsciously outed himself as the least sexually attractive man on earth. After all, to not be able to get sex from the one group of women that everyone else in the world can get sex from when you’re plenty rich to compensate for what you lack… man, that’s gotta hurt. Knowing this almost makes me want to ask Congress to make procured sex a part of health insurance and a mandatory form of therapy so that Rush can get laid and we don’t have to hear him talk about sex anymore. Of course this would require all of us to pay for Rush to have sex, but please Mr. Limbaugh, don’t pay us back by videotaping yourself getting it on and posting it online.
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Women Who Pose

For those of you who were taken off guard by Angelina Jolie‘s pose attack at the Oscars, you obviously haven’t been paying attention to the posing that surrounds you everyday. The mega-leg-pose did not come from out of nowhere; for those of you out of the loop, Angelina Jolie was just trying to out-pose every woman in the world who poses everyday for every photo no matter what the occasion. And although it was a valiant attempt, Angelina has got nothing on women who pose.

Women who pose are not models, they’re women you know.  They are your friends, coworkers and girlfriends who love to take and post photos of themselves in perfect albeit recycled poses. I am always impressed by posers. These women can’t help but make damn sure they look picture perfect for every photo. For women who pose, there is no “downtime” there are no “sweatpant days” even when they’re wearing sweatpants.  They are always ready for the camera with or without makeup. They know their good sides, their bad sides, how to fluff limp hair and at which angle to tilt the camera and their heads. They make sure their eyes are big but their smiles are not. They suck in their cheeks and keep their chins down. They hold their arms back and awkwardly away from their bodies. When they pout, it’s no joke, they want you to find them alluring. Unlike famous actresses who may find such posing tricks day in and day out as burdensome, for women who pose they are not, because women who pose love to have photos taken of themselves all the time. And should no one be around to take it for them, they will take it themselves.

On the flip-side are the women I love to see who are enjoying life too much to be bothered with making themselves out to be a kind of fake beauty they’re not. My favorite photos are of women laughing, talking or just being in the moment. But up against women who pose, these women have no chance. I don’t know how these poses started off exactly. Of course hard and straight ahead was pretty cool during the Civil War and then smiles were all the rage after the depression. Mothers back in the day used to direct their daughters to stand with one leg in front of the other, hand over hand to look demure. Then when I was growing up I learned to say cheese so no one would see my childhood photos and think I was a waste of youth. But somehow, between elementary school photos and Facebook, these women were taught something I was never let in on–look hot for the world and be serious about it.

It takes real balls to take your looks that seriously and for this breed of women it’s no joke. They never feel silly about doing what it takes for a compliment. Even in a group photo where everyone else is smiling big, these women don’t find it funny that they’re the only ones obviously trying too hard to look attractive by tilting their heads to one side and giving a pursed smile. These females have honed the craft of controlling their image to look beautiful, which for women means looking sexy, innocent, desirable, sweet, vibrant, attainable, untouchable and strong in one dramatic pose: the chin down and pout or chin down and smirk.

Seeing that at least 1 in 4 women I know do it, I decided to try it out myself. Everyone else is so serious about themselves and their looks, why shouldn’t I be? Maybe there’s something to gain from being self-conscious.

The innocent "I got out of bed but won't let that stop me from taking a photo and looking cute" pose

When I posted these up, I couldn’t help but think of those pre-teens putting up YouTube videos of themselves and asking if they’re pretty or not.  Obviously those girls were too young to get the memo, because I learned what one posing friend of mine would like to advise them, “Never question your looks, just make them!”  Turns out posing really works.

"I'm at the gym and just finished working out" Pose

I was sure the reaction to my photos were going to be, “That’s hilarious!” Instead I got, “Great pic,” and “You look hot!” I had no idea that these over-posed unnatural looks are considered attractive. I think I got more compliments on these photos than my headshots (okay except for the gym one)!  It’s no wonder why women who pose do it; it must be like a drug for them–post a photo, receive a compliment.  Now I understand that as a woman compliments on my looks in photos are supposed to make me feel good, and yet they don’t–at least not these. Deep down, I know I’m trying too hard which I’ve been told all my life is unattractive. In the arts, in job interviews, on dates, even presidential hopefuls are told not to try too hard, let loose and just be yourself if you want to be liked. But somehow, these poses get a free pass because people think they make women look good. Do they really, or do they make us look like one big fake boob? Maybe that’s it–Americans still like their women to look fake, and if it’s not with a body part then it might as well be in a pose.

Which reminds me of the one pose my friend Andromeda told me not to forget–the push your boobs up and make them part of the photo pose.

Great pic!

If you have any great pics of women who pose or stories about them, please share–they’d love it if you would.

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