Stupid sperm are so dangerous. Thanks to them we have to come up with gifts for Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Those selfish little jerks have only one thing on their minds…making babies. Because of them women can’t simply relax and enjoy sex, they have to think about it, weigh the options and consider whether or not they want babies. We’re stuck with buying condoms, paying more for healthcare, and suffering through hormonal imbalances caused by pills, shots, and spongy things just to make sure that Band of Squiggles doesn’t make it to our always contrarian and open for business egg brothel. Which is why at some point in her life, a woman has to decide if she wants to give up the fight or not. Of course there are some women who just don’t think about it and continue to not think about it after every child they pop out; but for those of us who have been fully aware of our tiny but long-tailed enemies since we were technically capable of procreating, this decision is always looming and even more so as our 40’s approach.
After so many years of being on the defense, it’s hard to break the habit and consider having kids. If I was always the type that wanted them then great, I’d be one of those women testing their body temperature every day alongside a dedicated happy pee bowl for ovulation sticks and pregnancy tests; the ones who try every vitamin reported to induce conception; read every “Yay I’m Pregnant” magazine like wishful porn; the ones who make it their life’s mission to get pregnant because they can’t wait to be what I can only decipher is some mythical construct of what being a mother is. Are these women so unhappy in their current non-baby state that they become desperate for what is essentially an unknown? I mean don’t they want to try it out? I think a lot more women and even men would be thrilled to attempt parenting if it came with a better return policy. Or even if life with babies or without were like tapas and you could just try both options without having to commit to a full plate. But sadly no tapas for us. Women must choose their direction.
Which is hard for me because the thought of having a baby has always been frightening, but the alternative is just as scary. I’m not the kind of woman to say, “F- it! Mom stayed at home and stopped living to raise me; why sentence myself to that same miserable fate? I want to live crazy with a drink in one hand, fabulous clothes and no responsibilities to anyone or anything–except maybe a dog or cat that I can’t wait to treat like a baby!” Do I really want to do the same ol’, same ol’ with my husband for the rest of my life? Not that a baby’s purpose is to bring me some life-changing excitement, but at least it’s different. It’s growth. Plus if Abraham in the Old Testament was so thrilled to score as many kids as he could make, why can’t I be thrilled with the same prospect–even if I am a woman and it’s my body that would get thrashed each time those little gifts would come out. Is anyone with me on these points? No? Okay so these aren’t the best reasons to have a kid but why else am I tempted to birth a child?
In the end I don’t think there is ever a real reason why some women want kids. The only thing comparable to it that I can think of is sexual attraction. Can anyone sufficiently explain why he or she finds himself or herself attracted to a certain sex? Being attracted to people has no real benefits other than it feels good. And even biologically, I don’t know how much sense it makes. I was only four years old when I looked up in a movie theater and saw Han Solo on the big screen. Downstairs wasn’t talking yet but I froze, looked up and all I knew was that I wanted that man; and that man lead to that man, and that man, and that man, until I ended up with the man that I’m with and suddenly (well, ten years married and later) I want to have his baby.
So why the hesitation? Because I am cursed with having to think everything to death! I can’t even pick food off a menu in less than 20 minutes much less decide on a having a baby. It’s a major responsibility after all! You not only have to consider your financial stability but mental stability too. Have you overcome all of your personal issues so you can be a good guide to the soul you’ve been given? Are you ready for a new chapter in your life where you’ll have to relinquish your freedom? And my biggest issue—have you achieved everything you’ve ever wanted to in your career so you can happily turn your life over to this newborn child? I guess I always saw the babymaking phase in life sort of like retirement. Wait until you’re successful in your career and settled in your life then have a baby. Like in this interview with Beyoncé for Harper’s Bazaar:
“Like everything that Beyoncé undertakes… this next step into motherhood has been deliberately thought out. “It was important to me that I gave myself time to focus on becoming the woman I want to be, building my empire, my relationship, and my self-worth, before I became a mother,” she says. “Now God has blessed us with the ultimate.”
Well good for you B! But what about the rest of us?! Should we feel obligated to wait until we’ve built our empires or are we stuck taking the plunge to have a kid ready or not? Does it pay to be excessively prepared, or is it like those overly researched vacations that are never as fun as the unplanned ones because your preparations inevitably demand to be in proportion to your expectations wrongly built off the advice of Trip Advisors with awful taste in hotels? FYI–Never trust a Trip Advisor. Maybe it’s time to stop hating sperm and just take a lesson from the little buggers. Start focusing that mind to one track and just go for it.
- Still No Baby. (Insert a bunch of expletives here.) (brokencondoms.wordpress.com)