Category Archives: Economy

Be Positive

Everyone needs to be positive; if you don’t you die – just ask Andy Rooney. Which is why we as a country need to start turning that frown upside down. With so much depressing talk about government bond ratings getting downgraded, stocks sinking, and high unemployment rates, it’s no wonder no one feels confident enough to make the kind of inappropriate purchases that got us here in the first place. It’s time that we take some lessons from followers of The Secret and every positive person your grumpy friend has ever wanted to punch.

When things are going bad never let people know.  No one likes to be with a downer ’cause downers are no fun.  But if you feel like you really need to talk about what you’re going through just make sure you turn your negative experience into something like A Challenge or Life Lesson. Just look at how Sharon Bialek, one of Herman Cain‘s accusers, made her allegations more agreeable on CBS’ Early Show this week:

“I don’t despise the man. I actually did it because I wanted to help him. I wanted to give him a platform to come clean, to have to tell the truth. And he still hasn’t done it, and it’s really a shame because he could  he could have switched it. He could have, you know, come forward, and I was trying to be nice about it, too. And it just didn’t work.”

See-she wasn’t coming forward because according to her Cain was a slimebag that she wanted to take down, she was just lending a helpful hand. If she went with the whiney negative Oh I’m such a victim angle, no one would have listened because people don’t like people who can’t t help themselves.

So be positive and make your own life awesome! Imagine yourself accomplishing your goals and being where you wish to be. Put together a collage of everything you want and say it out loud to the universe or to a mirror and…voilà – magic – it all comes true. Don’t believe me? Just ask any professional athlete who has won a championship what they did to prepare for the big game. Sure they sacrificed those precious hours better spent in front of a TV to training hard everyday, but what really matters is that they envisioned winning the game in vivid detail, replaying that victory over and over so on the big day… voilà – magic. That’s what professional winners do. Of course we don’t know what losers do because we’re America and America is always #1 even when we’re not. So let’s be that America and focus on our strengths and desires and ask the universe for anything that can be represented by a really pretty picture from a fashion magazine so we can get over this lame time and have fun again!

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What is the Occupy Movement?

“Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like it when I’m angry.”
– Dr. David Bruce Banner

This morning I heard another radio story about the Occupy movement’s unfocused message; that if Occupy Wall Street had a clear single sentence demand, or had easy to accomplish goals, or had one specific enemy to take down, then the rest of us would join in the march. If only we knew what Occupy really was? Well people, there’s a reason there’s no one word logo, or easy to remember battle cry, because Occupy isn’t a movement, it’s THE HULK!

For those who don’t remember, the Hulk was a big green guy that came out of an unassuming but extremely cranky scientist named David Banner. Anyway, David OD’d on gamma radiation one day and afterwards anytime something pissed him off he turned into the gigantic, crazy strong and ooohhh so angry HULK. Did anyone ever question the Hulk’s message? No. Did anyone ever say, “Boy Hulk, I would love to be behind you and what you stand for but without a single cause and problem I can’t jump on board.” No! No one said that, because everyone figured that the Hulk got angry cause someone was acting like a dick, and that was good enough of a reason to cheer him on and watch him pick up and throw yet another car!  Well, that and Lou Ferrigno was a big guy and you’d be dumb to ask for one of his green ass kickings. So let’s go over what Hulk Occupier is angry about:

  • ILLEGAL FORECLOSURE PROCESSES BAD!! MAKE HULK HOMELESS AND ANGRY!!!
  • HULK WANT SMASH GOLDEN PARACHUTES OF WALL STREET FAT CATS!!! ARRGGGGHH!
  • DISCRIMINATION IN WORKPLACE AGAINST PEOPLE OF COLOR & STUFF MAKE HULK TURN GREEN AND SMASH!!!
  • HULK HATE TERMINATOR SEED! HULK LIKE ORGANIC FOOD! MONSANTO SMASH!
  • HULK GO NAKED INSTEAD OF WEAR FUR!!! HULK ALWAYS GO NAKED!!!
  • HULK WANT TO NEGOTIATE FOR BETTER AND SAFE WORKING CONDITIONS BUT CAN’T!!!! MUST THROW SOMETHING!!!
  • HULK LIKE EDUCATION BUT DON’T LIKE BIG DEBT TO GET IT!  *PUNCH THROUGH WALL*

ooo… Hulk get tired saying why angry…

  • HULK WORK OUTSOURCED SO HULK GET PAID LESS?!!! *HULK THROW EXECUTIVE OUT PENTHOUSE WINDOW*
  • CORPORATIONS NO RIGHTS LIKE HULK!!!! HULK WANT CHANGE!!!!
  • HULK NO LIKE LAWYERS AND PEOPLE WHO NO MAKE CONTRACTS FOR HEALTH INSURANCE FOR HULK!!!
  • WHAT?!!!! HULK NO HAVE PRIVACY?!!! HULK SMAAAAASSSSSHHHHH!!!!
  • ACCELERATOR ON HULK’S PRIUS MAKE HULK’S PRIUS GO SMASH AND MAKE HULK WANT TO SMASH!!!
  • HULK NO LIKE YOUR IDEA FOR ECONOMIC POLICY!!! PAUL KRUGMAN KNOW BETTER!!!
  • *HULK BEAT CHEST AND THROW CORPORATION DONATING MONEY TO POLITICIAN DOWN A DITCH*
  • HULK NO WANT OIL!!! HULK WANT SOMETHING ELSE!!! HULK WANT FUEL CELLS NOW!!!!
  • HULK FRIEND DR. BANNER LIKE GENERIC MEDICINE BUT NO CAN GET?!!!  ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!
  • HULK NO LIKE PEOPLE WHO LIKE PROFIT NOT PEOPLE!!!!
  • SMASH!!!
  • HULK LIKE TV!!! HULK WANT NET NEUTRALITY NOW!!!  HULK NO LIKE CHANGES IN NETFLIX!!!
  • NO ONE NEED MURDER PRISONERS!!! IF HULK NO KILL NO ONE DOES!!!
  • HULK NO KNOW WHAT COLONIALISM IS!!! HULK ‘NO LIKE’ ON FACEBOOK!!!
  • HULK ONLY WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!! HULK BREAK ALL OTHER WEAPONS!!! *Run away in slow motion*

Hulk done talking now. HULK INTERVIEW OVER!!! SMASH!!! PUNCH!!! BREAK!!!

HULK NO CONDONE VIOLENCE!!! ARRRRGGGGGHHH!!!

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Recession Your Way to Youth! The Upside to the Economic Downturn

I feel sorry for all of you unaffected by the recession. While you’ve been doing the same ol’ same ol’ for less money and with less co-workers employed to help, the rest of us are regaining our youth through Recess To Our Youth Jobs! These are the jobs that you could afford to take back when you were young with no responsibilities and cared more about having fun than getting paid. I myself have received this wonderful lifestyle makeover and let me tell you…forget Botox! I’m 23 all over again thanks to my new old job as a barista! I once was a shot-puller in Seattle for years before moving on and getting swept up by adulthood. You know what that got me? Played out anxieties like, “What am I doing with my life?!” and, “I thought I’d have a career by now!” But thanks to my Recess to Youth Job, I get to say goodbye to all those pesky questions and get back to the fun days before mid-life crisis shows up.

So do these jobs guarantee a complete rewind to the past? Silly adults, of course not. It’s better than that! You get to renew your youthful lifestyle with experience under your belt. For instance, cute boys that wandered into my old Seattle cafe jobs used to crush my heart. Now I’m married and don’t give a damn. I get to enjoy their pretty for what it is: something fancy to look at while taking an order.

But what about the serious cut in pay?  What about it? No need for pricey trainers, you’re working out through manual labor. Want to go out on the town? Barter, barter, barter your way to clubs, bars, movie theaters, you name it. Everyone loves a latte hook-up. And if you need a face lift… ladies and gentlemen, what gives that flash of youth and naiveté than truly casual wear at work. Don’t believe me? Put on some jeans and a t-shirt (not tucked in) and tell me you don’t get mistaken for your own child.

But what about necessities? What about food?  Here’s a little secret: baristas get all the day-old pastries they can stomach. How about rent?  That’s the best part! With such a low paying job, you get to move in with other people all over again. You’ll get to practice your team playing skills while organizing kegger parties to raise money for utility bills and toilet paper. Also, socializing has been proven to be good for your health, and with roommates, you’ll never be short of rehashing last night’s events, bad dates, and complaining about no one picking up after themselves.

So what’s holding you back? Nothing but envy? I understand. Us Recessionary Youths originally scrapped and begged for a piece of your pie, but I’m sure as you order that next cappuccino from that thirty-something barista that somehow looks naturally twenty-something, you’ll be begging for a job application. No resume required.

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