Category Archives: Crime

Violent People Suck

T-shirt "I'm an asshole"
There’s been a lot of attention given this week to the trials of two men charged with murder: Robert Bales for shooting 16 civilians in Afghanistan and ruining it for everybody, and George Zimmerman of Florida who feels so threatened by unarmed 17-yr-olds that he shot and killed one. Sadly these two men are not anomalies. They remind me that there is an entire population who make life suck for the rest of the world. Thanks to them the rest of us can’t walk around late at night by ourselves, or enjoy a good game of “Your Team Sucks, No Your Team Sucks” at a sports event, or even go to school without being ninja trained and packin’ heat.¬† I still don’t understand what’s so hard about not killing people. Do violent people have nothing better to do? Did they not pay attention in grade school when they were told to keep their hands to themselves? Perhaps those that don’t get it need an explanation for why you shouldn’t kill. Let me put it like this: by one person killing, the party is ruined. If you murder someone or beat someone up to a pulp, you are automatically making yourself into “that guy” that nobody will want to invite to anything fun. I’m bringing this up because I’m not sure these people know how much they suck. After all, we make them out to be aberrations better kept at a distance from the rest of society and are judged differently through the judicial system than how they would be in public. In court, judges pronounce them “guilty,” cops call them “criminals,” and news reporters announce they are “dangerous.” I suggest we start calling them what they really are: Assholes. [For the sake of argument I’m purposefully keeping non-violent crimes out of this discussion as white-collar criminals are more deserving of a name like “Dick” rather than “Asshole.”]
The definition of an asshole reads:
noun Vulgar
1.anus.
2.Slang .a.)a stupid, mean, or contemptible person.
b.)the worst part of a place or thing.
Seeing that violent criminals fit the above descriptions, I believe their punishment should include something that reflects the sensibility and manner of punishment used by non-contemptible people. We should ask that a convicted, stupid mean anus be made to wear monitored shirts at all times that say, “I’m an Asshole.” In prison¬† it would really drive home the message of who they’re surrounded by. Outside of prison they’d learn how hard it is for assholes to get jobs, enjoy nice holiday meals, or to go out and make love connections. Although some women like assholes, so maybe that wouldn’t teach them much of anything.
By calling them what they are, I wonder if it would have any effect. After all, everyone wants to be cool even when they are in a non-cool scene. Would gangsters kill if they knew how lame it was? Would angry lovers hold back their rage if they knew they were heading to “You Suck” land? Would that guy in France have killed those paratroopers and the people inside a Jewish school if he knew that doing so would not make him cool, but instead a loser? Probably so. I guess assholes are assholes for a reason; if they were smart then they wouldn’t be.
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