Category Archives: News

Don’t Call 911, Call CAA

If anyone’s been spooked about budget cuts in our police force or emergency room services in California, fear no more–celebrities are there to save us! Mila Kunis saved a man struck with a violent seizure at her home, Dustin Hoffman saved a jogger having a heart attack, Patrick Dempsey rescued a teen trapped in an overturned car, and Ryan Gosling broke up a fight. Hell even Obama got on board with saving the gay rights movement (injured by North Carolina legislation) by announcing that he’s FOR gay marriage.

Some people though are a little skeptical of these newfound heroes. Could celebrities be doing this just to save their careers, not us? Who cares! If they all need the good press just when we need a funding solution, it looks like this stream of goodwill could be a win-win situation. We would no longer have to argue about whether or not taxes should be raised because we won’t want our money. The more in crisis we are the more chances celebrities can save us! With less paramedics and emergency room services, Californians can be treated by their dreamboats and silver screen heroes. Let fans come up with life-threatening situations that can call the attention of A-listers like George Clooney or Brad Pitt (not Angelina Jolie–she does not save domestics), and stop training new paramedics and just train actors. After all there is no better breed of professionals able to act like they know what they’re doing than thespians. And by the number of super famous actors having to turn to TV and AT&T commercials, it seems that celebrities are desperate for work, so there should be plenty of them ready for recruitment. So let’s keep slashing those budgets California and let’s save ourselves by letting actors save us.

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Keep Your Hair Down Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton Having FunFor any woman out there going through mid-life crisis and wishing you had buckled down and partied less, Hillary Clinton has come to relieve you of any regrets. This week photos broke out showing Hillary downing some beers (straight out of a bottle it was noted) and dancing with her girls from work flashing a massive smile on her face. The result of this one night mess was a new love for the Hilly. Websites everywhere started taking a look at Clinton’s surge in popularity, and on KPCC’s Madeline Brand show, guest Margaret Carlson said she believed Hillary could even win the presidency in 2016 now that people have seen her let loose. So what can the rest of us gain from one woman’s move from the bottom of popularity to the top? Stop shunning your inner party girl ’cause she’s your ticket to getting ahead in your profession!

As women, many of us are made to feel that we need to seem serious and grounded to succeed in our careers, which is a huge shift after being raised to be cute and giggly. Soon after leaving the nest we learn that joyful giddiness is not a sign of heart-melting enthusiasm but rather an obnoxious trait signalling a lack of self-esteem. I even had a freshmen high school teacher and nun we called Big Bird who was so worried about this transition for her students later in life, that she made it part of her curriculum to make our lives hell. Each week she’d pick on a different student and if you survived her taunts without whining, she’d leave you alone the rest of the year. If you couldn’t handle her telling you things like, “If you keep stuttering when you read I’m gonna throw you out the window and hope a truck comes by,” or, “If you keep saying “ax” instead of “ask” I’m gonna get an ax and ax your head off,” then she’d badger you until you stiffened up and grew up.  She knew about the pressures ahead of us, and believed as so many women do that we need to become stern and dour if we ever hope to be taken seriously.

I wonder if men ever go through this need to be taken seriously? When they’re growing up they’re never encouraged to be bubbly, but they are encouraged to know how to play with other guys and have fun through activities like group sports.  Sure women play team sports as well, but they’re usually the exception and not the rule. Which is a shame since group sports are one of the few areas where you can experience the balance of fighting hard to achieve something while bonding with others and having fun. No wonder there’s a boys’ club mentality, it’s ingrained in men the minute they play their first game of football.

Now most women talk about the boys’ club mentality like it’s a bad thing, but I say why don’t we just learn from it. After all people just want to work with people they get along with. Instead of suffering our way through life trying to be a boring overachievers, why not take note of those CEO’s in suits playing golf, grabbing drinks with their buddies and having a good time? If only more women did this they could also experience the kind of confidence that comes with being able to enjoy what you do because you’re enjoying life. I mean sure you’ll see department staffs here and there go out for lunches and happy hours, but it’s usually to let off steam rather than play. I want to see top-level female executives getting together laughing over champagne, having fun discussing money while, I don’t know, going out sailing. Does it not happen now because we’re afraid that we won’t be seen as hard-working? Well guess what hard-working gets you, ladies…Secretary of State. Want that grand prize of President…let go Hillary Clinton and keep having fun!

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Violent People Suck

T-shirt "I'm an asshole"
There’s been a lot of attention given this week to the trials of two men charged with murder: Robert Bales for shooting 16 civilians in Afghanistan and ruining it for everybody, and George Zimmerman of Florida who feels so threatened by unarmed 17-yr-olds that he shot and killed one. Sadly these two men are not anomalies. They remind me that there is an entire population who make life suck for the rest of the world. Thanks to them the rest of us can’t walk around late at night by ourselves, or enjoy a good game of “Your Team Sucks, No Your Team Sucks” at a sports event, or even go to school without being ninja trained and packin’ heat.  I still don’t understand what’s so hard about not killing people. Do violent people have nothing better to do? Did they not pay attention in grade school when they were told to keep their hands to themselves? Perhaps those that don’t get it need an explanation for why you shouldn’t kill. Let me put it like this: by one person killing, the party is ruined. If you murder someone or beat someone up to a pulp, you are automatically making yourself into “that guy” that nobody will want to invite to anything fun. I’m bringing this up because I’m not sure these people know how much they suck. After all, we make them out to be aberrations better kept at a distance from the rest of society and are judged differently through the judicial system than how they would be in public. In court, judges pronounce them “guilty,” cops call them “criminals,” and news reporters announce they are “dangerous.” I suggest we start calling them what they really are: Assholes. [For the sake of argument I’m purposefully keeping non-violent crimes out of this discussion as white-collar criminals are more deserving of a name like “Dick” rather than “Asshole.”]
The definition of an asshole reads:
noun Vulgar
1.anus.
2.Slang .a.)a stupid, mean, or contemptible person.
b.)the worst part of a place or thing.
Seeing that violent criminals fit the above descriptions, I believe their punishment should include something that reflects the sensibility and manner of punishment used by non-contemptible people. We should ask that a convicted, stupid mean anus be made to wear monitored shirts at all times that say, “I’m an Asshole.” In prison  it would really drive home the message of who they’re surrounded by. Outside of prison they’d learn how hard it is for assholes to get jobs, enjoy nice holiday meals, or to go out and make love connections. Although some women like assholes, so maybe that wouldn’t teach them much of anything.
By calling them what they are, I wonder if it would have any effect. After all, everyone wants to be cool even when they are in a non-cool scene. Would gangsters kill if they knew how lame it was? Would angry lovers hold back their rage if they knew they were heading to “You Suck” land? Would that guy in France have killed those paratroopers and the people inside a Jewish school if he knew that doing so would not make him cool, but instead a loser? Probably so. I guess assholes are assholes for a reason; if they were smart then they wouldn’t be.
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Rush Admits He’s The Unsexiest Man In The World

I had always seen Rush Limbaugh as a mean-spirited, oozing-with-cheap-grossness man dressed in Casual Friday attire. So when the controversy with Sandra Fluke arose I wasn’t surprised that he had said something vile and unfriendly, but I was surprised by how he said it. There was so much resentment behind his words “Slut” and “Prostitute” that I felt bad for Mr. Limbaugh. Behind the hate-filled words is clearly a man who hasn’t had any sex in a long, long, longer than a nun long time. If ever.
As most women know, insults are the keys to insecurities. Sex was so clearly on Rush Limbaugh’s mind when he spoke of Ms. Fluke, listeners could practically hear a waterfall of tears from his lonely manhood.  To not be loved (and not by choice) can drive people crazy. It’s no wonder he hates anyone else who is gettin’ some. But like many jealous people it’s hard to admit it, so it’s easier to blame everyone else for what they lack. It’s like those guys who think women only like jerks. These men think they’re automatically the nice guy because they’re alone and pretending to be nice in hopes of a woman liking them. Thing is, it’s not nice to only be nice for the sake of hooking up. That’s just fake-nice, user-nice, and women can smell it a mile away. So when fake-nice men get rejected they don’t blame themselves for being unsuccessfully manipulative, they blame the woman and her unjust taste in “jerks.”
But perhaps it’s not just sex that Rush Limbaugh can’t get, but more specifically sex with prostitutes. After all, Sandra Fluke is not a professional lady of the night, so naming these occupations sounds like a Freudian slip to me. Since he said prostitutes and sluts with such loathing (as if it’s an insult to practice the oldest profession in the world) it’s only fair to conclude that he has been repeatedly rejected by them. I don’t know if he realizes this, but Rush Limbaugh subconsciously outed himself as the least sexually attractive man on earth. After all, to not be able to get sex from the one group of women that everyone else in the world can get sex from when you’re plenty rich to compensate for what you lack… man, that’s gotta hurt. Knowing this almost makes me want to ask Congress to make procured sex a part of health insurance and a mandatory form of therapy so that Rush can get laid and we don’t have to hear him talk about sex anymore. Of course this would require all of us to pay for Rush to have sex, but please Mr. Limbaugh, don’t pay us back by videotaping yourself getting it on and posting it online.
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Women Who Pose

For those of you who were taken off guard by Angelina Jolie‘s pose attack at the Oscars, you obviously haven’t been paying attention to the posing that surrounds you everyday. The mega-leg-pose did not come from out of nowhere; for those of you out of the loop, Angelina Jolie was just trying to out-pose every woman in the world who poses everyday for every photo no matter what the occasion. And although it was a valiant attempt, Angelina has got nothing on women who pose.

Women who pose are not models, they’re women you know.  They are your friends, coworkers and girlfriends who love to take and post photos of themselves in perfect albeit recycled poses. I am always impressed by posers. These women can’t help but make damn sure they look picture perfect for every photo. For women who pose, there is no “downtime” there are no “sweatpant days” even when they’re wearing sweatpants.  They are always ready for the camera with or without makeup. They know their good sides, their bad sides, how to fluff limp hair and at which angle to tilt the camera and their heads. They make sure their eyes are big but their smiles are not. They suck in their cheeks and keep their chins down. They hold their arms back and awkwardly away from their bodies. When they pout, it’s no joke, they want you to find them alluring. Unlike famous actresses who may find such posing tricks day in and day out as burdensome, for women who pose they are not, because women who pose love to have photos taken of themselves all the time. And should no one be around to take it for them, they will take it themselves.

On the flip-side are the women I love to see who are enjoying life too much to be bothered with making themselves out to be a kind of fake beauty they’re not. My favorite photos are of women laughing, talking or just being in the moment. But up against women who pose, these women have no chance. I don’t know how these poses started off exactly. Of course hard and straight ahead was pretty cool during the Civil War and then smiles were all the rage after the depression. Mothers back in the day used to direct their daughters to stand with one leg in front of the other, hand over hand to look demure. Then when I was growing up I learned to say cheese so no one would see my childhood photos and think I was a waste of youth. But somehow, between elementary school photos and Facebook, these women were taught something I was never let in on–look hot for the world and be serious about it.

It takes real balls to take your looks that seriously and for this breed of women it’s no joke. They never feel silly about doing what it takes for a compliment. Even in a group photo where everyone else is smiling big, these women don’t find it funny that they’re the only ones obviously trying too hard to look attractive by tilting their heads to one side and giving a pursed smile. These females have honed the craft of controlling their image to look beautiful, which for women means looking sexy, innocent, desirable, sweet, vibrant, attainable, untouchable and strong in one dramatic pose: the chin down and pout or chin down and smirk.

Seeing that at least 1 in 4 women I know do it, I decided to try it out myself. Everyone else is so serious about themselves and their looks, why shouldn’t I be? Maybe there’s something to gain from being self-conscious.

The innocent "I got out of bed but won't let that stop me from taking a photo and looking cute" pose

When I posted these up, I couldn’t help but think of those pre-teens putting up YouTube videos of themselves and asking if they’re pretty or not.  Obviously those girls were too young to get the memo, because I learned what one posing friend of mine would like to advise them, “Never question your looks, just make them!”  Turns out posing really works.

"I'm at the gym and just finished working out" Pose

I was sure the reaction to my photos were going to be, “That’s hilarious!” Instead I got, “Great pic,” and “You look hot!” I had no idea that these over-posed unnatural looks are considered attractive. I think I got more compliments on these photos than my headshots (okay except for the gym one)!  It’s no wonder why women who pose do it; it must be like a drug for them–post a photo, receive a compliment.  Now I understand that as a woman compliments on my looks in photos are supposed to make me feel good, and yet they don’t–at least not these. Deep down, I know I’m trying too hard which I’ve been told all my life is unattractive. In the arts, in job interviews, on dates, even presidential hopefuls are told not to try too hard, let loose and just be yourself if you want to be liked. But somehow, these poses get a free pass because people think they make women look good. Do they really, or do they make us look like one big fake boob? Maybe that’s it–Americans still like their women to look fake, and if it’s not with a body part then it might as well be in a pose.

Which reminds me of the one pose my friend Andromeda told me not to forget–the push your boobs up and make them part of the photo pose.

Great pic!

If you have any great pics of women who pose or stories about them, please share–they’d love it if you would.

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