Category Archives: 2012 Presidential Race

My Dad Spams

Everybody loves spam–especially my dad during election season. Lucky for me, when politics ramp up, so do the number of emails educating me on what the other side thinks with attention grabbing subject lines such as:

  • Let’s wake u7p people!  The hour is late…
  • FOR MORE INFORMATION ON THE SUPPORT MARRIAGE THROUGH BACKING UP CHICK A FILLET
  • CONSERVATISM IS CALLING
  • FW: Wow! Sept 28
  • ChurchMilitant.TV – Catholics are born for combat Sept 18

As much as these headings bring hope for a balanced discussion, they’re missing the Spam World’s #1 clickability factor: sex. According to a 2006 NY Times article, if it’s porn and sex you’re selling you can get a click rate of 5.6%, otherwise the chances are less than .0075%. Unfortunately for me, this year’s candidates are much too faithful to their wives to cause a good old-fashioned sex scandal, so instead I get links that use other attention grabbing methods such as headings in all caps that let me know the end of the world is near. That made me click! And it’s a good thing I did. If it wasn’t for spam, I would never have known that I am causing the coming American apocalypse.

Before my dad’s emails, I thought Republicans and Tea Party people were for smaller government and no taxes, but according to the sites that get forwarded, they’re preparing for CIVIL WAR II—A VENGEFUL STATE against their sworn enemy the menacing Democrats. It’s a wonder that my dad was willing to take the risk he took to disclose how much conservatives know about the liberals’ numerous plots to bring down this country’s freedoms. I guess my dad found it necessary to let me know just how evil I was in case there was still time I could turn myself around. Little does he know that like zombies, once bitten and infected with liberal ideology, YOU CAN’T GO BACK! No wonder the right-wing hate liberals like myself so much. We are destroying America! For years, we have been brainwashed to believe that countries self-destruct because of war, famine, and brutal dictatorships, but little did we know that it’s support for universal healthcare, gay marriage and gun control that makes the cookie crumble. All hail Satan!

Now, I get it.  During election season if you don’t absolutely hate the other side and believe they are conspiring against you, how else can you inspire anyone to vote?  It’s boring to imagine that people choose leaders according to who they think will better serve our country; we all watch enough movies to know decisions are much more exciting when time is running out and everything is a matter of life and death. That’s why it’s not just conservatives that sound like crazy hermits holed up in a mountain awaiting the end of days, democrats are apt to see conspiracies everywhere too [I haven’t supplied examples of the left’s cautionary spam sent to me because the only spammer friend I have is my Dad, and political spammers are always one-sided]. One of the more popular conspiracies both sides share is that the opponent is always trying to win voters over by instilling fear through their campaign messages. And it’s true, both parties are trying to instill fear in the general public, and if you don’t know this is happening within both camps, you have no right to vote. You’re missing out on all the fun of politics, the chess of politics, more importantly, you’re missing out on the best subplot to this live action thriller–everyone believes they know that they are being manipulated because someone is manipulating them to think that they are.

So good for you spam! Without you, this 2012 Election season would not have been half so thrilling for my dad and I. Thanks for adding to our country’s and my family’s divisiveness by sharing with us in your subtle way who’s good and who’s bad. The choice is clear–just check your spam box.

Tagged , , , , ,

Drunk LA Girl Reviews This Year’s Debates

For the past few weeks I have been writing in character as Drunk LA Girl–the political correspondent for Scallywag Magazine. The article listed below is reprinted from today’s scallywagmagazine.com online post. Right away you will see that she is not pregnant.

PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE #2 AND I DON’T WANT TO SNUGGLE-by Drunk LA Girl

So I’m on vacation with this guy I’ve been going out with from work for a few weeks. He wanted to impress me so he got us a place in Carmel ‘cause he kept saying how beautiful Big Sur is and that I’d really like it. Ugh.

Does this look like a place you’d want to watch a debate?

Anyway, in Clint Eastwoodland where breakfast does not come with senior discounts or credit card machines to pay for it, I heard a bunch of retired old rich people talking about their money and the debates. What the fuck? Old people have money?

Knowing my luck with these stupid debates I called around to see if any bars were going to be playing this one. Good news! Nobody gives a shit about our elections because they care more about sports! So I invited Mathew for a drink that night at a British Pub that only plays soccer but Mathew said he wanted to order in a bottle of champagne and snuggle. I should have known better the second he said, “Snuggle,” but I just kept hoping he was being ironic.

Anyway, we get back to the hotel room, he brings out a really nice bottle of something French and bubbly and puts on the TV. For a second I thought we were gonna watch Breaking Amish, which is great ‘cause I missed the last two episodes, but then he changed the channel and put, I am not fucking kidding you, the debates. He must have noticed how not happy I was ‘cause he asked me if I was into politics. I’m like, “Duh! You’re hot! Why the hell would I ever tell you the truth?!”

So I lied and said, “Yeah,” but that I have to get wasted first. So I laid there in a big fluffy bed with this big handsome dumbass, who it turns out was not being ironic about snuggling and watched the debates… AGAIN!

Mama said knock you out

Sure enough it wasn’t even the smiley old guy from the last debate, it was the same two guys from the first boring debate! This time though they weren’t at teacher podiums, instead some lazy set decorator with no budget just gave them two chairs to sit on. But I guess somebody told them they couldn’t sit on the chairs for too long though ‘cause the two guys couldn’t stay in them for anything.

It’s like, if you have a chair, use it! One thing’s for sure, even though they’d get up all the time, neither of them wanted to lose their seats ‘cause they’d talk and go right back to them after making some statement or promise to some random person with nothing better to do than to ask questions.

It was dumb too, ‘cause you could tell nobody believed either of the guys when they answered. But why should they? Their answers were just as pointless as the questions. Almost everything asked had nothing to do with the presidency. How is the president gonna help with the economy? How is the president gonna help with women getting better pay? How is the president gonna help me find a job without a boss I hate? It’s not a dictatorship, stupid undecideds! The president has to work with other people in Congress and business owners who suck.

Correction: Undecided voters really chosen from extras casting rejects from Walking Dead except for the hot chick with the mic

And who chose these undecideds? Commercials cast good-looking people to represent everyday Americans, why do debates cast ugly people? ‘Cause frumpy people who don’t wear fun colors or interesting outfits are more believable? Fine then– everyone I know is a liar!

I don’t know anyone as drab and tired looking as the group they picked up from an IHOP after a Boring Stiffs Who Do Something Nobody Cares About convention. If this is what politicians think of Americans then I don’t want to vote for anybody.

And the moderator? Seriously, she needed to see how the lady last week did it. I hate passive aggressive people. This Candy lady just nervously giggled her way through every interruption.

And don’t think telling guys, “I need you to stop,” and then letting them keep talking is gonna work. You’re bigger than them and you’re the moderator! The woman from last week’s debate wouldn’t have let them keep talking while walking in circles. She would have said, “Bitch Romney… Bitch Obama… shut up!” And Candy, those overworked ringlets did not help your case. But I do like your hair color.

Seasoned political reporter Candy Crowley obviously chosen from the Likes to Drink with Secret Service binder

Oh and then Romney has a five point plan ’cause it’s easy for people like me to remember since I always have five fingers on each hand no matter how drunk I get. Thing is I don’t remember what those five points were. What I do know is that Romney likes to cut taxes a lot. You know why? ‘Cause he’s Republican.

That’s how they solve everything. They love talking about taxes and the Reagan years—like they were so good. Does nobody remember the late 80’s?! I was a kid, cartoons sucked and I still remember they were the shitty years that led to the really shitty years of the early 90’s.

And then Romney tried accusing Obama of not being a supporter of gas and coal, like those two things are soooo great or have anything to do with each other. But then Obama would say, “Nuh-uh. That’s not true.” And Romney would say, “Uh-huh, it is.” And then Obama told everyone that it’s Romney who never liked coal. And I’m like, who gives a shit about coal?!

Isn’t there a reason we have to suffer through Earth Day every year with my roommate running around turning off ALL our lights?! Then they just talked shit about each other and let everyone know that China must be a great place to invest in since both of them do. I wanna be part of the one percent that invests in China. Too bad I like eating at McCormick & Schmick’s after work so I can’t starve myself enough to marry a prince or get past my stupid team lead to take over a VP post.

Oh wait, but I’m a woman, so the two debaters had to let me know that if I vote for one of them I’ll make tons of money like the hot loser guy I was stuck snuggling with. Gross.

Honey Boo Boo endorses Obama and free birth control. “Ain’t all free stuff good?”

Obama kept saying that if women get free birth control or child care they’d make more money but that’s dumb, ‘cause I already use cheap birth control and don’t have kids and I’m still not making enough to live on my own.

And then Romney said something about finding qualified men but no women to work on his team so he had to make up qualifications so his staff could find a way to get some women in a binder.

Well then, stick me in a binder, pretend I’m qualified the same way guys pretend their friends are qualified and get me a real job!

Anyway, my favorite part was when the two guys almost got into a fight. They got close enough to punch or kiss each other but nobody was drunk enough to make the first move. BORING. It probably didn’t help that Obama’s taller and younger than Romney so Romney was smart and went back to his stupid chair. I really hated those chairs.

Worst part of the debate though was afterwards when some woman on ABC whined about Romney not getting as much time as Obama and that she thought it was obvious that nervous-face Candy was letting Obama take over.

REALLY?! I hate when women totally make up something totally fake just ‘cause they can’t handle the fact that they didn’t get what they want. You know what? Sometimes people fail ‘cause they fail. When everyone said Obama failed last time did you, whiney woman on ABC, say, oh man, Obama wasn’t treated the same as Romney.

This is what I call “Snuggling”

No—because you don’t give a shit. You and every other whiner out there are like my friend Christina who whenever a guy broke up with her, would blame it on the guy not being ready to commit even though the guys would tell her it was because she was super self-centered and didn’t know how to have fun.

It’s women like Christina and every other whiney Republican who can’t face the fact that Romney didn’t beat Obama this time around that should have been in that lame crowd of questioners at the debate.

By the time the debate ended, I finished the bottle of champagne and pulled out my own box of wine from my suitcase. It shocked Mathew to see it but you know what? I can only lie about myself for so long.

And you know what else Mathew?

I hate snuggling. It’s over!

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Looking back at one of my blog posts from last year about the Republican Party’s presidential candidates, I was surprised to find that a woman’s instincts can be scarily right on.

Parker Platform

One thing I miss about being single is getting to overanalyze men. It’s fun dreaming up all the different ways a man is secretly in love with you: he hasn’t called since your last date because he’s scared he’s in love with you, he walks down the same street to get to his apartment next to yours because he’s in love with you, he broke up with you because his love for you made him want to work out his issues with another woman that doesn’t mean as much to him as you do.

Some books are trying to convince us to stop using overanalysis because according to them it’s easy to decipher a man’s actions. Oh really? Well then why did the OJ trial last nine months? I say to the single ladies, “He is that into you,” but you’ll only know it if you practice overanalysis…

View original post 1,205 more words

Tagged , , , ,

Politicians Are After Just One Thing

Ladies and minorities–sit back and enjoy the love. We’re on week two of that special election time when both parties go out of their way to attract us by flaunting representatives that best mirror us (at least in theory). This year’s conventions have paraded women galore in sharp smart suits, a mix of minorities at the podium–Asians, Blacks, Indians, and the RNC even threw up a Cuban who doesn’t look Cuban just like me!  All of this “Me Too’ing” is really exciting and makes it hard for a girl not to feel special. So special that I’m suddenly wanting to stick around, imagine a future together, and for now even…oh wait…is this a one night stand? Dammit! Ladies and minorities, we’re f**ked.

The signs were so clear, why didn’t I see them before: a sudden interest in us delivered with extreme focused passion followed by an unrealistic slew of promises and dreams too early to bring up at this stage in courting. Yep, looks like the Republicans and Democrats just want us for one thing–our votes. Once they get it, they’ll forget about us once again. Maybe they’ll throw a little, “Hi, how ya doin,” through a coffee with your congressman invite so it’s not too awkward; or ring us up late at night when a state proposition they support needs passing; and some may just pass us over to a friend thinking that we’ll be willing to give up our vote again so easily to whoever they pass along. Face it, we’re not the types they want to take home to Washington. They prefer someone who already looks like the people they came from and with the same upbringing. It’s hard to compete with corporations who flaunt their lobbies, or old money big whigs with so much power that Republicans and Democrats can’t help but stick to them for the sake of their own futures.

Then what’s a girl to do when a real smooth talker is only available for right now? Some have suggested that we vote for neither party since both are clearly just pandering to get in our voter pants. But then again, sometimes you never know.  A friend of a friend of mine ended up marrying a guy who started out as a one night stand and they’ve been in love ever since. Then again sometimes a one-off is all a girl wants and it’s great to be swept up in the excitement of the moment. Why not give up a vote with some enthusiasm even if everything you want to believe in is just for right now?!

So before goin’ for it and jumpin’ in the sack with either candidate, just take a moment to consider the consequences. Whoever you choose you’ll have to wake up to on November 7. Who’s the better morning after? I’ve happily made my choice and expect little in return.

NOTE: This week I wrote for scallywagmagazine.com (link is below) and next week I’ll be taking off from writing a new blog piece, but will post from the archives until I come back the week after. Thanks for tuning in!

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Gingrich Believes in The Secret

Newt Gingrich the artist

Thank God it’s over–Gingrich finally bowed out of the presidential race. I don’t think I could have handled it much longer. Every time Newt Gingrich declared himself the clear frontrunner during the republican primary, who didn’t think, “Dude, he’s crazy!” It was like watching a pathological liar get caught stealing a cookie but swear he’s never seen a cookie in his whole life while holding the stolen cookie in his hand. I even started feeling bad for Newt whenever he’d say Mitt Romney couldn’t win an election. Maybe he had gone numb from the number of times Romney’s boot kicked him in every state?  And not just Mitt Romney, he even got beat out by Rick Santorum! But did that stop our Newt bomb from going off? No it did not. At first I thought that maybe this crazy talk of winning had something to do with Newt’s infamously massive ego, but then I started wondering: What if he didn’t believe that he was winning? What if he just said that so he wouldn’t lose? That’s when I realized–Gingrich isn’t crazy, he’s an artist!

If you’ve known any actors, writers, artists or musicians, you’ve probably seen a bit of Newt in them. For years they don’t get a gig, yet when asked how things are going in their careers they reply with a simple and upbeat, “Great.” Now if you ask those same friends for details they may divulge some of the ugly truth, but in the impossible world of professional artists, they can never let you in on all their insecurities, because if they do, they will fail.

This is due in small part to the mythos of The Secret. According to The Secret what you say will in turn manifest itself. It seems that thanks to the power of imagination and vocabulary, we all possess the power to create or destroy our own futures. So if for instance, you’re a Debbie Downer and you complain about never making it, well guess what? The reason you’re miserable and not making it is because you keep saying you’re not making it. Knowing that kind of weight is on an artist’s shoulders, do you believe any of them could ever admit to failing? Even if one of them doesn’t believe in The Secret, the rest of them do (or at least pretend they do just in case); so non-believers still have to play the confidence game so they don’t get written off by possible job creators. It’s like the butterfly effect. Let’s say you’re an actor and you’re really depressed and say, “Yeah I haven’t scored a gig in 2 years, and my agent’s about to drop me, and hell I can’t even work on a student film, what’s wrong with me?” The person that hears this will respond with a look of disgust at having come so dangerously close to a living breathing failure. The scent from your listener’s twisted face (oh yes, bad faces do emit smells) transmits negative signals to prospective fans of yours that causes them to hate your face, which in turn vibrates to managers, agents and casting directors, so by the time you show up to their offices, a sort of gag reflex takes over the manager, agent and casting director and you are instantly shut out before you can even begin your career. Simply put, if you let anyone know you’re failing then you won’t get any support because people like to help those with a chance of success, and that chance is best calculated by how successful those people already are.

Well how is that really considered helping if you’re not supporting a person in need? It’s not helping, it’s betting on a winner. Face it, if people are going to invest their time or money on anything, they want to make sure it’s going to succeed. But if you’re not the winner, then what can you do to get the help you so desperately need? Don’t tell anyone you’re a loser and market yourself as the underdog–the one with the right stuff that nobody had the brains and foresight to see except for your loyal fans. So basically you’re still selling yourself as a winner, but a more nuanced one.

This is the lesson that Newt missed out on. He stuck so closely to The Secret that he forgot to change his plan of attack. As a result, Newt put his campaign to rest leaving thousands of Secret believers shocked to discover that Newt has no verbal powers to change the minds of voters or the results of the Republican primary. Still the ever-winning and Secret-following Newt made sure he did not step down a loser. He chose hopeful words during his goodbye speech and to the universe coined himself, “An active citizen,” because active doers make winning happen.

Newt Gingrich and Shep Smith of Fox

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,