Category Archives: Politics

Gingrich Believes in The Secret

Newt Gingrich the artist

Thank God it’s over–Gingrich finally bowed out of the presidential race. I don’t think I could have handled it much longer. Every time Newt Gingrich declared himself the clear frontrunner during the republican primary, who didn’t think, “Dude, he’s crazy!” It was like watching a pathological liar get caught stealing a cookie but swear he’s never seen a cookie in his whole life while holding the stolen cookie in his hand. I even started feeling bad for Newt whenever he’d say Mitt Romney couldn’t win an election. Maybe he had gone numb from the number of times Romney’s boot kicked him in every state?  And not just Mitt Romney, he even got beat out by Rick Santorum! But did that stop our Newt bomb from going off? No it did not. At first I thought that maybe this crazy talk of winning had something to do with Newt’s infamously massive ego, but then I started wondering: What if he didn’t believe that he was winning? What if he just said that so he wouldn’t lose? That’s when I realized–Gingrich isn’t crazy, he’s an artist!

If you’ve known any actors, writers, artists or musicians, you’ve probably seen a bit of Newt in them. For years they don’t get a gig, yet when asked how things are going in their careers they reply with a simple and upbeat, “Great.” Now if you ask those same friends for details they may divulge some of the ugly truth, but in the impossible world of professional artists, they can never let you in on all their insecurities, because if they do, they will fail.

This is due in small part to the mythos of The Secret. According to The Secret what you say will in turn manifest itself. It seems that thanks to the power of imagination and vocabulary, we all possess the power to create or destroy our own futures. So if for instance, you’re a Debbie Downer and you complain about never making it, well guess what? The reason you’re miserable and not making it is because you keep saying you’re not making it. Knowing that kind of weight is on an artist’s shoulders, do you believe any of them could ever admit to failing? Even if one of them doesn’t believe in The Secret, the rest of them do (or at least pretend they do just in case); so non-believers still have to play the confidence game so they don’t get written off by possible job creators. It’s like the butterfly effect. Let’s say you’re an actor and you’re really depressed and say, “Yeah I haven’t scored a gig in 2 years, and my agent’s about to drop me, and hell I can’t even work on a student film, what’s wrong with me?” The person that hears this will respond with a look of disgust at having come so dangerously close to a living breathing failure. The scent from your listener’s twisted face (oh yes, bad faces do emit smells) transmits negative signals to prospective fans of yours that causes them to hate your face, which in turn vibrates to managers, agents and casting directors, so by the time you show up to their offices, a sort of gag reflex takes over the manager, agent and casting director and you are instantly shut out before you can even begin your career. Simply put, if you let anyone know you’re failing then you won’t get any support because people like to help those with a chance of success, and that chance is best calculated by how successful those people already are.

Well how is that really considered helping if you’re not supporting a person in need? It’s not helping, it’s betting on a winner. Face it, if people are going to invest their time or money on anything, they want to make sure it’s going to succeed. But if you’re not the winner, then what can you do to get the help you so desperately need? Don’t tell anyone you’re a loser and market yourself as the underdog–the one with the right stuff that nobody had the brains and foresight to see except for your loyal fans. So basically you’re still selling yourself as a winner, but a more nuanced one.

This is the lesson that Newt missed out on. He stuck so closely to The Secret that he forgot to change his plan of attack. As a result, Newt put his campaign to rest leaving thousands of Secret believers shocked to discover that Newt has no verbal powers to change the minds of voters or the results of the Republican primary. Still the ever-winning and Secret-following Newt made sure he did not step down a loser. He chose hopeful words during his goodbye speech and to the universe coined himself, “An active citizen,” because active doers make winning happen.

Newt Gingrich and Shep Smith of Fox

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Keep Your Hair Down Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton Having FunFor any woman out there going through mid-life crisis and wishing you had buckled down and partied less, Hillary Clinton has come to relieve you of any regrets. This week photos broke out showing Hillary downing some beers (straight out of a bottle it was noted) and dancing with her girls from work flashing a massive smile on her face. The result of this one night mess was a new love for the Hilly. Websites everywhere started taking a look at Clinton’s surge in popularity, and on KPCC’s Madeline Brand show, guest Margaret Carlson said she believed Hillary could even win the presidency in 2016 now that people have seen her let loose. So what can the rest of us gain from one woman’s move from the bottom of popularity to the top? Stop shunning your inner party girl ’cause she’s your ticket to getting ahead in your profession!

As women, many of us are made to feel that we need to seem serious and grounded to succeed in our careers, which is a huge shift after being raised to be cute and giggly. Soon after leaving the nest we learn that joyful giddiness is not a sign of heart-melting enthusiasm but rather an obnoxious trait signalling a lack of self-esteem. I even had a freshmen high school teacher and nun we called Big Bird who was so worried about this transition for her students later in life, that she made it part of her curriculum to make our lives hell. Each week she’d pick on a different student and if you survived her taunts without whining, she’d leave you alone the rest of the year. If you couldn’t handle her telling you things like, “If you keep stuttering when you read I’m gonna throw you out the window and hope a truck comes by,” or, “If you keep saying “ax” instead of “ask” I’m gonna get an ax and ax your head off,” then she’d badger you until you stiffened up and grew up.  She knew about the pressures ahead of us, and believed as so many women do that we need to become stern and dour if we ever hope to be taken seriously.

I wonder if men ever go through this need to be taken seriously? When they’re growing up they’re never encouraged to be bubbly, but they are encouraged to know how to play with other guys and have fun through activities like group sports.  Sure women play team sports as well, but they’re usually the exception and not the rule. Which is a shame since group sports are one of the few areas where you can experience the balance of fighting hard to achieve something while bonding with others and having fun. No wonder there’s a boys’ club mentality, it’s ingrained in men the minute they play their first game of football.

Now most women talk about the boys’ club mentality like it’s a bad thing, but I say why don’t we just learn from it. After all people just want to work with people they get along with. Instead of suffering our way through life trying to be a boring overachievers, why not take note of those CEO’s in suits playing golf, grabbing drinks with their buddies and having a good time? If only more women did this they could also experience the kind of confidence that comes with being able to enjoy what you do because you’re enjoying life. I mean sure you’ll see department staffs here and there go out for lunches and happy hours, but it’s usually to let off steam rather than play. I want to see top-level female executives getting together laughing over champagne, having fun discussing money while, I don’t know, going out sailing. Does it not happen now because we’re afraid that we won’t be seen as hard-working? Well guess what hard-working gets you, ladies…Secretary of State. Want that grand prize of President…let go Hillary Clinton and keep having fun!

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Is Mitt Romney’s Flip-Flopping All That Bad?

Talk has already begun about Mitt Romney being a flip-flopper–which in the world of Republicans is a big no-no. After all, you have to have conviction as a leader and stand by what you think at this particular moment for the rest of your life. Forget change or growth, that’s for weaklings. The first time I learned that going back and forth on an issue was a bad thing was during the presidential debates between George W. Bush and John Kerry in 2004. President Bush repeated the term against Kerry so many times that viewers finally got the message that flip-flopping must not be tolerated.

As a flip-flopper myself who never seems to know what to order when she sits down at a restaurant, I couldn’t understand what’s so wrong about it. I mean, shouldn’t we all weigh the good and the bad of eating a House Salad over a Veggie Club Sandwich with Fries? Sure the sandwich is what I said I wanted, but suddenly the ingredients for the two dishes make me think of my waistline, and I see the price for the two items and I don’t have a job so why shouldn’t I be able to change my mind to make the better decision? Well as long as you change it for yourself and not for the sake of different people. Are you kidding me?! That’s part of the decision-making process too! If I’m on a date with my husband, it’s a salad (husband or no, a date’s a date). If I’m with girlfriends that are super depressed for no reason, I better order that sandwich with fries or I’ll be ostracized. But no, if I was a Republican, I would have to uphold my convictions and  get that fattening overpriced sandwich I said I wanted from the get-go, and stick to what I want and who I am!

Come to think of it, there’s something kind of freeing about that. To just know what you like and do it no matter what. Perhaps life would be simpler and easier to manage. See I’m flip-flopping right now! It just seems impossible not to do it since flip-flopping is the result of these evil little things in life called “Options.” They come at you the minute you step out into the world. In fact, the last time I had such strong convictions and clear manner of thinking was when I was a kid; I was stuck at home and my parents told me what I thought and why. Their reasoning made lots of sense until I met other people  with different ideas. Since then I began living as an incessant flip-flopper. If Republicans are going to keep bashing candidates for changing their minds due to options that come before them, then perhaps their only recourse will be to find a man-child who never left home and has never changed his mind.

This dreamboat of a Republican candidate would be easy to understand. He would have no problem yelling out that he loves war. Playing it is just so much fun! You get to engage in strategy, move little green men in place and decide who gets shot and killed. You also get to choose who are the good guys (with God on their side) and who are the bad guys. Everything black and white, no room for gray; that would mean taking time to know people who are clearly your enemies and therefore too evil to understand. Must hate! But no worries, morals would stay in high regard as this presidential hopeful would mandate that everything be G-rated since kids shows are way more fun to watch and don’t have all that kissing and stuff. Euw!!! Have a problem with any of this? Well too bad. This grown-up child candidate would not like to be told what to do. Hey stupid hippie liberals–you’re not my mom! He wants to be able to set up oil pipelines where he wants and be friends with people who are against regulations on emissions, labor or anything.  But the number one selling point of this candidate amongst many conservative Americans would be his eagerness to kill any public healthcare legislation that would be brought before him because… kids hate sharing. Boy, kids are cute aren’t they?

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Rush Admits He’s The Unsexiest Man In The World

I had always seen Rush Limbaugh as a mean-spirited, oozing-with-cheap-grossness man dressed in Casual Friday attire. So when the controversy with Sandra Fluke arose I wasn’t surprised that he had said something vile and unfriendly, but I was surprised by how he said it. There was so much resentment behind his words “Slut” and “Prostitute” that I felt bad for Mr. Limbaugh. Behind the hate-filled words is clearly a man who hasn’t had any sex in a long, long, longer than a nun long time. If ever.
As most women know, insults are the keys to insecurities. Sex was so clearly on Rush Limbaugh’s mind when he spoke of Ms. Fluke, listeners could practically hear a waterfall of tears from his lonely manhood.  To not be loved (and not by choice) can drive people crazy. It’s no wonder he hates anyone else who is gettin’ some. But like many jealous people it’s hard to admit it, so it’s easier to blame everyone else for what they lack. It’s like those guys who think women only like jerks. These men think they’re automatically the nice guy because they’re alone and pretending to be nice in hopes of a woman liking them. Thing is, it’s not nice to only be nice for the sake of hooking up. That’s just fake-nice, user-nice, and women can smell it a mile away. So when fake-nice men get rejected they don’t blame themselves for being unsuccessfully manipulative, they blame the woman and her unjust taste in “jerks.”
But perhaps it’s not just sex that Rush Limbaugh can’t get, but more specifically sex with prostitutes. After all, Sandra Fluke is not a professional lady of the night, so naming these occupations sounds like a Freudian slip to me. Since he said prostitutes and sluts with such loathing (as if it’s an insult to practice the oldest profession in the world) it’s only fair to conclude that he has been repeatedly rejected by them. I don’t know if he realizes this, but Rush Limbaugh subconsciously outed himself as the least sexually attractive man on earth. After all, to not be able to get sex from the one group of women that everyone else in the world can get sex from when you’re plenty rich to compensate for what you lack… man, that’s gotta hurt. Knowing this almost makes me want to ask Congress to make procured sex a part of health insurance and a mandatory form of therapy so that Rush can get laid and we don’t have to hear him talk about sex anymore. Of course this would require all of us to pay for Rush to have sex, but please Mr. Limbaugh, don’t pay us back by videotaping yourself getting it on and posting it online.
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Obama Plays a Game of “Piss Off The Catholic”

Obama vs CatholicsBeing a Catholic right now is so exciting–it means I get to be outraged because my bishop told me to. Now don’t get confused, bishop outrage is different from the Catholic League’s everyday outrage. The Catholic League makes a big to-do over anything that can get them press, like their recent huff over Nicki Minaj’s Grammy performance and Pope accessory. As scandalous as it is for Catholics to see someone perform with a priest, monks and altar boys to O Come All Ye Faithful, the Catholic league does not speak for the Church nor is it endorsed by it. This is because the Church has been dealing with human beings for 2,000 years and knows that the outrage card is only powerful if used sparingly. So imagine my surprise when President Obama decided to play a game of “Piss Off the Catholic” with the entire Catholic Church and the Church took the bait. If you’ve never played before, “Piss Off the Catholic” is a side-splitting pastime that even Catholics partake in, where one person says traditionally outrageous things at a conservative dinner party such as “Gays should marry,” and, “Women should be priests.” It’s such a good time and one I look forward to at every family holiday.

For this round of the game, the President chose the topic of contraceptives. The Catholic Church condemns the use of contraceptives and has been sure to reiterate this since 1967–just in time to cock-block Catholic hippies during that year’s Summer of Love. Why does the Church say no to contraceptives? I still don’t know, but the delightful read can be found in Pope Paul VI‘s Humanae Vitae. There the deceased Pope explains how it’s okay to prevent pregnancies using the Natural Family Planning method, but not through the use of a lowly relationship-crushing condom. If this doesn’t make sense to you, then you must not be married. After all, how could a single person understand what a marriage is all about.

I was so excited when Obama went for it and from out of nowhere told the Catholic Church that their employee health plans had to provide contraceptives for those working in their hospitals and school (not churches). Oh man, the faces on those bishops must have been priceless! Not only did he piss off the church but he got pro-contraceptive people calling into radio stations yelling because they thought the Catholic Church was preventing women from their right to use a pill. It was the best game of “Piss Off the Catholic” I’ve ever seen. Secretly I hoped Obama would even venture into “Piss Off the Lame Boss” and tell an old employer of mine that he needs to provide his employees with a less strict dress code. After all, it’s our right to freedom of speech to wear what we want, and my old boss who left corporate law to open up a coffee shop, continues to make all of his employees dress like corporate lawyers against their wills.

So then after all was said and done, President Obama must have spoken to Susan G. Komen, because as the rage grew, he rescinded his proposal this week and came to a compromise with the angry bishops. Now Catholic Institutions no longer have to pay for contraceptives, instead it’s their health insurance companies that will have to.  That’s it?! A compromise? Not just one more jab from either team to keep the press going? Is it just me or does anyone else feel like they were watching the best episode ever of their favorite TV show and it all turned out to be a dream. Or worse yet, an unaired episode of Punk’d.

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