Take My Maternity Photo, It’ll Last Longer (Part II — Haunted)

Continued from “Take My Maternity Photo, It’ll Last Longer”

It is also important in maternity photos to never take them in your own living environment. Do you think your home is cute? Moms-to-be don’t. You’ve spent most of your 9 months of fetal incubation there and that means the ugly truth of pregnancy could, so to speak, leak out. Remember this isn’t about you, it’s about the collective and propagating the ideal that pregnancy is glowing goodness. Instead, maternity photos should always take place in a professional studio for the perfectly controlled sculpted look or in the fantastical dreaminess of the great outdoors. And what look suits a Tolkien-like setting better than the Haunted?

HAUNTED

This look is meant for the baby daddy but designed by women who miss Lillith Fair. Although flowy and gauzy like The Fairy, the soundtrack is different. The previous look is inspired by Enya, while this one whispers Kate BushRunning Up That Hill” and Sarah McLaughlin circa 1994. It’s moody and sexy in a way that only women get but they keep thinking their men will see it too.  The woman who takes these photos wants her husband to find her otherworldly, fragile and frightened in spite of her 9 month cravings for taquitos.

A fairy can dance and skip with ethereal joy, but these ghostly photos express how romantically vulnerable pregnancy makes a woman wearing all white and standing still like a deer in the woods. She’s delicate wrapped like a broken arm without a cast.

Look dreamily far away. She is a damsel in distress waiting for a knight in shining armor who can rescue her and is blind enough to overlook the fact that she is way too pregnant to get on a horse.

Soon these women’s husbands will think of them as She Who Cleans Diapers, She Who Drives Mini Van, She Who Cut My Wife’s Gorgeous Long Hair To A “Death To Sex” Shorter Convenient Length, but rest assured, that these photos will haunt these men, reminding them of just how beautiful their wives were lost and roaming the woods during her momentous nine month journey.

Photos by Evi T’Bolt

To be continued tomorrow: Sweet and Virginal vs T.M.I. Sexy

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Take My Maternity Photo, It’ll Last Longer

At last a couple of weeks ago, I was finally able to participate in the new American tradition of taking maternity photos! Aside from senior year or weddings, maternity is the only other time when it’s socially acceptable for women to splurge on a professional photographer to commemorate a life-changing event. And what better way to look back on those nine grueling months of nausea, fear, body enlargement, restrictive diet, bad maternity clothes, stretch marks, acne, swollen ankles, daily aches and gas than with beauty shots! Women it seems are never more beautiful than when they hate life.

To demonstrate how precious pregnancy is, maternity photos must exude the mythic glow preggos can’t help but blind people with. Sure I personally have only been complimented on it when my hair and make-up is done, but it’s one of the few carrots pregnant ladies get, so BACK OFF!

Pregnancy is magical, precious, empowering. Forget seeing a woman live in action mid-contraction–there is no glow in that! Stick to far away looks and dream somewhere deep inside that you’re Bambi while posing half-naked.

We want our American preggos to be hot lioness earth mothers with enough virginal frailty to not sully our puritanical ideals of motherhood. And who better to perpetuate this unattainable image than pregnant women themselves? In spite of their crankiness and pain, pregnant women are still women, and hell if they’re not gonna do their damnedest to look good. They know how to do it—and if you’re new to walking with a fetus, you had better follow suit.

MY PHOTO SESSIONS

It is well known that every pregnancy is different, but maternity photo sessions are not the time to distinguish yourself from the tribe of mothers-to-be. Just like everything else to do with the breeding lifestyle, when it comes to taking photos there is a right way and a wrong way. The right way—you’ll be mom of the year; wrong way—give your baby up for adoption and never try having children again.

So I met with my photographer and friend Evi T’Bolt to review the best way to photograph the way I’m supposed to be feeling about being pregnant. We stuck to five of the six common looks: The Fairy, Sweet and Virginal, Haunted, TMI Sexy, and Healthy Yoga Girl. There is also the classic Demi Moore naked profile pic but due to various constraints, we had to pass. Still, with the looks we did shoot I hope everyone can see just how beautiful and delicate pregnancy has made me.

Let’s begin with…

THE FAIRY

My primary inspiration for this look was this photo:

Isn’t she just lovely? Even the water sparkles at the sight of her. Photoshop can barely contain the glow she feels from holding her baby. That’s because pregnant women happily frolic through the fields when no one is looking until they take their maternity photos.

Posting tomorrow: Haunted. Stay tuned…

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The End Is Near

I’m at 38 weeks.  So as the big day nears, there is nothing more frightening than finding out about your friends who were due around the same time as you having their babies ahead of schedule. Now there is no one left but me. It’s like everyone’s got picked off like flies and right now I’m the last one standing. To demonstrate what I’ve been feeling for the last month or more, I created this quick and crudely drawn 23 second piece on the subject. Enjoy, and just in case…Happy Thanksgiving!

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Free and Milking

Some countries see the parenting style of the United States as one that creates spoiled children and postpartum ladies void of any womanliness. But if you take a closer look at what our baby-making markets provide, you’d see a whole different picture. We live in a consumer driven nation, so we can assume we are what we buy. Well American mothers apparently can do it all because we buy Simple Wishes Hands Free Breastpump Bras.

According to the very existence of this item, we are a nation of practical good-looking milking machines. Thanks to our country’s ingenuity, postpartum possibilities are endless. New mothers can still check their email.

Go to work.

Play with their kids.

Dress up and go out.

Relax whenever they need to.

No other product symbolizes just how strong women are in our great country. We were even a deciding voting block in this year’s elections. Had the GOP paid more attention, they would have known that Simple Wishes Handsfree Breastpump Bra lets women vote now too.

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I’m Tired And My Socks Are Too Loose

My Baby Shower this last Saturday made me pregnant. Of course before, I was pregnant, but now I’m like pregnant pregnant. Like need a chair and gallons of water pregnant. I’m tired, my ankles are swollen, my stomach gets in the way of sitting down and I can barely reach the stick shift or brake release on my truck. I can’t even stop complaining! It’s making me crazy, but even with  threatening to punch myself, I still can’t keep my mouth from whining.

Before the Baby Shower I was feeling pretty good. A little sleepy but able to function 100%. I even prepared myself for my BS by staying up until 2am the night before so I could do it again for the party. Well it worked. I was able to stay up until 1:30am for my BS and got home with a backache and two stumps for legs. It didn’t register at the time, but I had spent the entire evening standing up. Why? Because I didn’t feel pregnant. Even when I got home and saw the state of my legs, I figured I’d just put on some sexy compression socks  and sleep off those Jabba the Hut bulges riding over my bloated feet. But no. The morning after was like that first hangover that takes more than a day to shake off. For the first time in my pregnancy it took two days for the swelling in my legs to subside and for me to recover from the pregnant woman’s equivalent of an all-nighter. It was time to admit it to myself: I’m pregnant.

Okay, so now what? Nothing. Sorry, but I just can’t write a thoughtful blog this week. Now that I’m pregnant I stopped working. Today’s my first day off and I just want to watch some bad romantic comedies, read A DANCE WITH DRAGONS because I can, and do some pre-natal yoga. I may even watch another episode of REVENGE on Netflix. Yes, I may be smart, but when I’m tired I enjoy the easy and dumb. And now that I am finally feeling pregnant, I just don’t care how lame I am. Go ahead, Me. Punch me and get it over with. I’m just too pregnant to care.

*Will be back next week rested and ready to mock. 

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