I miss trying to be sexy; those hours of putting on loads of makeup and uncomfortably tight clothes just to try to look as hot as I wish I was. There’s no point in trying anymore. It would just be wasted on my body for the next six weeks because I am just so damn cute right now. Absolutely adorable. With my large round pregnant belly on my short frame, I am just a precious little kangaroo roaming the planet. And if I have to hear another person tell me just how cute I am, I am going to slap them right in the face. Don’t get me wrong, getting the “Oh You’re So Adorable” face is a million times better than the dreaded “OMG You’re Deformed” look I get from a stranger or two daily, but still, neither of them are what I want to be seen as. After all, I’m a woman and Latina—I can’t be cute, I have to be sexy.
It baffles me how a woman can be Latina and pregnant at the same time. You’d think God would know better. Sure everyone thinks the genes from my part of the world are built for maximum baby production, but socially we are the least programmed for it. From a young age we learn that we must develop into bare all clothing to look good at all times. Even if you’re a hipster that works ugly clothes that only a pretty girl can wear, if you’re Latina, you’ll be the one hipster who can’t help but show off her hot legs and butt. That’s because for us there is no excuse to not be sexy in some way at all times. And don’t think having babies or being old is considered a ticket out; unless you’re laying in that inevitable sexless coffin down the road, if you’re Latina, you must always find a way to make sure some form of hot damn is emanating from you. I’m not a stereotypical Latina and even I feel the pressure to work it. That’s because somewhere deep down we believe that if you are not showing off some skin or skin-tight clothing at some point in the day, then you have failed as a woman.
But what can I do? I can’t even wear the right shoes now! Sexy shoes are high, high heels, hands down. Guess what heels do to pregnant women? Give them swollen feet and ankles. Not sexy. But what other option is there? Wear comfortable sensible shoes? I am conditioned to make men want to salivate not to want hot cocoa before taking me home to meet his mom and dad. And Latina lesbians, you’re not off the hook either. You know if you’re on the femme side, then you still have to use straight men’s taste as your bench mark. This sexy ideal best suited for a fit slim body will not quit!
Oh but enjoy your pregnant body. It’s so sweet to see you with your little round belly! True, but it doesn’t make me fuckable. And face it, that’s what we’re talking about here. Thank God my pregnant shape hasn’t stopped my husband’s desire to jump me, but out in the world you can’t help but value yourself just a bit by how desirable you are to the masses. And right now—only one company will hire me. This kind of insecurity is what you’d expect to find in a college student not a married woman in her 30’s. But guess what? I’m a human being—I will always want to know I am attractive to people in some way or other. Wait, no…take that back. I want to know that I am seen as sexy to people, not in a cute sexy kangaroo way, but in a plain old down and dirty sexy way.
So is there anything a Latina can do to survive pregnancy? Well lucky for us there is one styling solution the majority of us can work, and that is to play the ethnic card. Elegance and femininity after all are better expressed in the fashions of other cultures than in the States. Pregnancy and American sporty do not fly, but pregnancy and old world elegance can tip the scales in your favor. It’s the earth mother look that best suits soft round shapes. Those bohemian layered flowy clothes say, “I got pregnant because I am such a strong virile woman that a man and I fucked the hell out of each other and I am proud to display the results of all of that hot sex… that I am still getting…that I know you want…because you want me to have your baby too…because I still look that damn hot in spite of the most adorable cutesy wootsy widdle round belly a precious little kangaroo could ever have!”
I can’t wait to have my body back.