Tag Archives: comedy

Playtex Words of Wisdom

Today I needed my monthly pick-me-up so I reached into a new box of Playtex Sports Tampons for a tampon to cheer me on with words like, “Go for it!” and, “Live with no regrets.” Instead I got tampon wrappers with swirly corporate new age design. What happened Playtex? Did you not know how important it was for a woman to read motivational messages while sitting on the toilet before wiping and facing the world? How are women going to get their shit together if not with the help of her tampon?! It’s like Playtex forgot that a woman’s confidence comes only from anything that goes up her rabbit hole.

I’ll forever miss those Sports tampons that replaced my trainer and secretly I believe my husband will too–they were that good. Luckily I photographed as many as I could for posterity sake. The public will no longer have anything to inspire us 4-5 days once a month, but I hope these will serve as a noble substitute.

 

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Take My Maternity Photo, It’ll Last Longer (Part IV-Yoga)

Continued from Take My Maternity Photo, It’ll Last Longer (Part III Sweet vs Sexy)...

Healthy Yoga Girl

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Women love yoga. Especially pregnant ones. There is no other exercise that speaks to their cycles and need for new age music while breaking a sweat. It also provides just enough sweat to receive praise for taking care of themselves and their precious babies.

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You don’t even have to do yoga to say you practice it. Just take your maternity photos outside in yoga pants and a tank top to bask in maternal strength and beauty. See the power in the woman below?

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Sure you do. That’s because yoga connects pregnant women with nature. You can tell by how well they suddenly blend into their surroundings when meditating.

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So put together your best mix of Indonesian chimes, grab that yoga ball, and breathe–soon you’ll be in labor and looking just as radiant as your healthy yoga maternity photos.

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Take My Maternity Photo, It’ll Last Longer

At last a couple of weeks ago, I was finally able to participate in the new American tradition of taking maternity photos! Aside from senior year or weddings, maternity is the only other time when it’s socially acceptable for women to splurge on a professional photographer to commemorate a life-changing event. And what better way to look back on those nine grueling months of nausea, fear, body enlargement, restrictive diet, bad maternity clothes, stretch marks, acne, swollen ankles, daily aches and gas than with beauty shots! Women it seems are never more beautiful than when they hate life.

To demonstrate how precious pregnancy is, maternity photos must exude the mythic glow preggos can’t help but blind people with. Sure I personally have only been complimented on it when my hair and make-up is done, but it’s one of the few carrots pregnant ladies get, so BACK OFF!

Pregnancy is magical, precious, empowering. Forget seeing a woman live in action mid-contraction–there is no glow in that! Stick to far away looks and dream somewhere deep inside that you’re Bambi while posing half-naked.

We want our American preggos to be hot lioness earth mothers with enough virginal frailty to not sully our puritanical ideals of motherhood. And who better to perpetuate this unattainable image than pregnant women themselves? In spite of their crankiness and pain, pregnant women are still women, and hell if they’re not gonna do their damnedest to look good. They know how to do it—and if you’re new to walking with a fetus, you had better follow suit.

MY PHOTO SESSIONS

It is well known that every pregnancy is different, but maternity photo sessions are not the time to distinguish yourself from the tribe of mothers-to-be. Just like everything else to do with the breeding lifestyle, when it comes to taking photos there is a right way and a wrong way. The right way—you’ll be mom of the year; wrong way—give your baby up for adoption and never try having children again.

So I met with my photographer and friend Evi T’Bolt to review the best way to photograph the way I’m supposed to be feeling about being pregnant. We stuck to five of the six common looks: The Fairy, Sweet and Virginal, Haunted, TMI Sexy, and Healthy Yoga Girl. There is also the classic Demi Moore naked profile pic but due to various constraints, we had to pass. Still, with the looks we did shoot I hope everyone can see just how beautiful and delicate pregnancy has made me.

Let’s begin with…

THE FAIRY

My primary inspiration for this look was this photo:

Isn’t she just lovely? Even the water sparkles at the sight of her. Photoshop can barely contain the glow she feels from holding her baby. That’s because pregnant women happily frolic through the fields when no one is looking until they take their maternity photos.

Posting tomorrow: Haunted. Stay tuned…

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The End Is Near

I’m at 38 weeks.  So as the big day nears, there is nothing more frightening than finding out about your friends who were due around the same time as you having their babies ahead of schedule. Now there is no one left but me. It’s like everyone’s got picked off like flies and right now I’m the last one standing. To demonstrate what I’ve been feeling for the last month or more, I created this quick and crudely drawn 23 second piece on the subject. Enjoy, and just in case…Happy Thanksgiving!

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The Art of Overanalysis GOP Edition

One thing I miss about being single is getting to overanalyze men. It’s fun dreaming up all the different ways a man is secretly in love with you: he hasn’t called since your last date because he’s scared he’s in love with you, he walks down the same street to get to his apartment next to yours because he’s in love with you, he broke up with you because his love for you made him want to work out his issues with another woman that doesn’t mean as much to him as you do.

Some books are trying to convince us to stop using overanalysis because according to them it’s easy to decipher a man’s actions. Oh really? Well then why did the OJ trial last nine months? I say to the single ladies, “He is that into you,” but you’ll only know it if you practice overanalysis regularly in female company with wine or hot tea. But how about women in relationships, how do we keep this blade sharp? By dissecting the only men out there still pursuing us: Politicians.

To practice, let’s take a look at the current hunters and gatherers seeking the GOP nomination. Since overanalysis takes hours of discussion, let’s use today’s blog to go over step one – you and me girl, we’re talking first impressions! Be totally superficial. There are a lot of guys interested in you so we need to know who’s really worth discussing. And trust me, if you want him then he wants you.
Declared 2012 Republican Presidential Candidates in Alphabetical Order

Michele Bachmann
U.S. Representative from Minnesota

With a name like that he’s gotta be French. That’s great cause French guys are usually into girls like us that are not traditional American beauties. But Michele’s kind of a funny lookin’ dude. A little too pretty, boyish fem. Like he doesn’t want to grow up or he’s just really young and doesn’t know anything.

Herman Cain
Businessman, Politician & Media

He looks kinda old so you have to decide if you still like that. You know when you’re young you’re into older guys, then after a certain age the tables turn and you become the old person into the young kid? I think I’m almost hitting that point. Also those glasses scream, I’m really into numbers and you’re gonna have to pay for your own meal. INTIMACY ALERT!

Newt Gingrich
Former Speaker of the House

Super dirty old man.  Jovial soft looking guys creep me out, especially when they sound too straight and narrow. That’s a sure sign there’s some super dirty dirt-like hookers and blow kind of dirt. He’ll pursue you ‘cause you’re wholesome; something he needs to satisfy his desire for unconditional mommy love. But don’t fall for this type again! Jerks in sheep’s clothing always use you, dump you and then leave you at a friend’s place to cry.

Jon Huntsman
Former Governor of Utah and Ambassador to China

He’s a little chipmunky but I love that his name is both manly and ketchup. I get the feeling he’s known some serious fuckups back when he had a band and didn’t know what he wanted to do with his life. He probably got into politics ’cause he figured it’d be a good time. Hell, he was an ambassador! Elegant party right here! He may have good intentions but may be scared to be with you cause he might not be ready to settle.

Gary Johnson
Former Governor of New Mexico

Gary needs a new haircut. He seems timid, like he kind of likes you but wants you to like him more. After trying to get you to like him he’ll probably get really pissed off when you like someone else. This type complains that girls only like jerks, but his only friends are those jerks.

Fred Karger
Political Consultant & Gay Rights Activist

Why hello. He looks kinda tall. So cute! Oh wait, he’s gay? Damn. Should have known. Oh well. Next!

Andy Martin
Self-Professed People’s Attorney General & Internet Powerhouse

He looks like he got away with something. His tie is twisted which can be adorable, but did you hear what he did? He started rumors about another guy’s birth certificate. Are you kidding me? A 66 year old man starting rumors! He’ll probably seem really fun and sweet at first, but when you dump him he’s gonna tell everyone how much of a bitch you are. Stay away from this smiling menace!

Jimmy McMillan
Former Mayoral, Gubernatorial & Senatorial Candidate for the Rent Is Too Damn High Party

Look at his look! So cool.  Plus he’s so angry. This hipster obviously knows what attitude compliments his wardrobe. If you go for him he’s gonna want you to be 500% committed cause that’s how he is with his politics, his art, his everything. It’s his way or no way. I don’t know if any of us are ready for that kind of commitment.

Tom Miller
Career Flight Attendant

I know I’m not supposed to look at what these guys do, but come on. If a guy puts it all out there you’re gonna look. His boring awkward look screams safe bet, but he’s a flight attendant so we all know what that means: Flight Attendant = Slut. He could be one of the few monogamous ones, but seriously, do you want to go through the whole dating process with that on your mind?

Ron Paul
Representative from the State of Texas

He likes them young and you’re good with it cause you like them older so he can teach you things. And he seems really cool; you just wish he’d hang out with more people his own age instead of those beautiful hippie girls he’s friends with at the Indian Buffet restaurant near campus. Guys like Ron love strong independent women and are cool with them doing whatever as long as they’re cool with him doing whatever. Kind of dreamy, but he can’t commit. He’ll inevitably dump you for a younger student.

Rick Perry
Current Governor of Texas

Oh yeah, he seems fun! Don’t know if he has much to offer though. Like he’s gonna be into you but then you’ll realize he can’t offer you everything you deserve. Not saying you won’t get it on great, but after awhile you’ll finally dump him and move on to someone that’s right for you. Cool thing is he’ll be so happy for you he’ll probably go to your wedding and be the first to congratulate you.

Buddy Roemer
Former Governor of Louisiana

Not a good time. Seriously? He was the Governor of Louisiana and still looks like this! You can do so much better.

Mitt Romney
Former Governor of Massachusetts

So handsome. You sure he’s not a flight attendant? Guys like this are actually the easiest to get. Known fact, cute boys fall for women that talk to them like a normal person. Just pretend you’re not into him for his looks only and hear him out. Who knows he might be okay. Thing is though, he’s got that east coast handsome thing going on which means he could seem fun and up for all types now but would never take you home to mom. This guy will end up with a conservative traditional type his dad and sailing buddies would be proud of.

Rick Santorum
Former US Senator from Pennsylvania

Okay if you need to get your Ryan Reynolds fantasy going then fine, but you’ll regret it later and be super ashamed. He seems cute, but he’s that weird late developed cute-like he was the ugly kid that turned better looking in college so he’s gonna be sort of cheesy and you’ll be stuck pretending to smile and laugh through a lot of his awkward jokes.

Vern Wuensche
Businessman

Vern’s okay, but he’s gonna spend tons of time explaining how to pronounce his last name. He’ll be super appreciative that you took the time to get his name right ‘cause nobody else takes the time to listen. Then he’ll go on and on about himself and well, you know what? Forget it.

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