Tag Archives: Elections

My Dad Spams

Everybody loves spam–especially my dad during election season. Lucky for me, when politics ramp up, so do the number of emails educating me on what the other side thinks with attention grabbing subject lines such as:

  • Let’s wake u7p people!  The hour is late…
  • FW: Wow! Sept 28
  • ChurchMilitant.TV – Catholics are born for combat Sept 18

As much as these headings bring hope for a balanced discussion, they’re missing the Spam World’s #1 clickability factor: sex. According to a 2006 NY Times article, if it’s porn and sex you’re selling you can get a click rate of 5.6%, otherwise the chances are less than .0075%. Unfortunately for me, this year’s candidates are much too faithful to their wives to cause a good old-fashioned sex scandal, so instead I get links that use other attention grabbing methods such as headings in all caps that let me know the end of the world is near. That made me click! And it’s a good thing I did. If it wasn’t for spam, I would never have known that I am causing the coming American apocalypse.

Before my dad’s emails, I thought Republicans and Tea Party people were for smaller government and no taxes, but according to the sites that get forwarded, they’re preparing for CIVIL WAR II—A VENGEFUL STATE against their sworn enemy the menacing Democrats. It’s a wonder that my dad was willing to take the risk he took to disclose how much conservatives know about the liberals’ numerous plots to bring down this country’s freedoms. I guess my dad found it necessary to let me know just how evil I was in case there was still time I could turn myself around. Little does he know that like zombies, once bitten and infected with liberal ideology, YOU CAN’T GO BACK! No wonder the right-wing hate liberals like myself so much. We are destroying America! For years, we have been brainwashed to believe that countries self-destruct because of war, famine, and brutal dictatorships, but little did we know that it’s support for universal healthcare, gay marriage and gun control that makes the cookie crumble. All hail Satan!

Now, I get it.  During election season if you don’t absolutely hate the other side and believe they are conspiring against you, how else can you inspire anyone to vote?  It’s boring to imagine that people choose leaders according to who they think will better serve our country; we all watch enough movies to know decisions are much more exciting when time is running out and everything is a matter of life and death. That’s why it’s not just conservatives that sound like crazy hermits holed up in a mountain awaiting the end of days, democrats are apt to see conspiracies everywhere too [I haven’t supplied examples of the left’s cautionary spam sent to me because the only spammer friend I have is my Dad, and political spammers are always one-sided]. One of the more popular conspiracies both sides share is that the opponent is always trying to win voters over by instilling fear through their campaign messages. And it’s true, both parties are trying to instill fear in the general public, and if you don’t know this is happening within both camps, you have no right to vote. You’re missing out on all the fun of politics, the chess of politics, more importantly, you’re missing out on the best subplot to this live action thriller–everyone believes they know that they are being manipulated because someone is manipulating them to think that they are.

So good for you spam! Without you, this 2012 Election season would not have been half so thrilling for my dad and I. Thanks for adding to our country’s and my family’s divisiveness by sharing with us in your subtle way who’s good and who’s bad. The choice is clear–just check your spam box.

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Politicians Are After Just One Thing

Ladies and minorities–sit back and enjoy the love. We’re on week two of that special election time when both parties go out of their way to attract us by flaunting representatives that best mirror us (at least in theory). This year’s conventions have paraded women galore in sharp smart suits, a mix of minorities at the podium–Asians, Blacks, Indians, and the RNC even threw up a Cuban who doesn’t look Cuban just like me!  All of this “Me Too’ing” is really exciting and makes it hard for a girl not to feel special. So special that I’m suddenly wanting to stick around, imagine a future together, and for now even…oh wait…is this a one night stand? Dammit! Ladies and minorities, we’re f**ked.

The signs were so clear, why didn’t I see them before: a sudden interest in us delivered with extreme focused passion followed by an unrealistic slew of promises and dreams too early to bring up at this stage in courting. Yep, looks like the Republicans and Democrats just want us for one thing–our votes. Once they get it, they’ll forget about us once again. Maybe they’ll throw a little, “Hi, how ya doin,” through a coffee with your congressman invite so it’s not too awkward; or ring us up late at night when a state proposition they support needs passing; and some may just pass us over to a friend thinking that we’ll be willing to give up our vote again so easily to whoever they pass along. Face it, we’re not the types they want to take home to Washington. They prefer someone who already looks like the people they came from and with the same upbringing. It’s hard to compete with corporations who flaunt their lobbies, or old money big whigs with so much power that Republicans and Democrats can’t help but stick to them for the sake of their own futures.

Then what’s a girl to do when a real smooth talker is only available for right now? Some have suggested that we vote for neither party since both are clearly just pandering to get in our voter pants. But then again, sometimes you never know.  A friend of a friend of mine ended up marrying a guy who started out as a one night stand and they’ve been in love ever since. Then again sometimes a one-off is all a girl wants and it’s great to be swept up in the excitement of the moment. Why not give up a vote with some enthusiasm even if everything you want to believe in is just for right now?!

So before goin’ for it and jumpin’ in the sack with either candidate, just take a moment to consider the consequences. Whoever you choose you’ll have to wake up to on November 7. Who’s the better morning after? I’ve happily made my choice and expect little in return.

NOTE: This week I wrote for scallywagmagazine.com (link is below) and next week I’ll be taking off from writing a new blog piece, but will post from the archives until I come back the week after. Thanks for tuning in!

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