Limbaugh | Parker Platform

I had always seen Rush Limbaugh as a mean-spirited, oozing-with-cheap-grossness man dressed in Casual Friday attire. So when the controversy with Sandra Fluke arose I wasn’t surprised that he had said something vile and unfriendly, but I was surprised by how he said it. There was so much resentment behind his words “Slut” and “Prostitute” that I felt bad for Mr. Limbaugh. Behind the hate-filled words is clearly a man who hasn’t had any sex in a long, long, longer than a nun long time. If ever.

As most women know, insults are the keys to insecurities. Sex was so clearly on Rush Limbaugh’s mind when he spoke of Ms. Fluke, listeners could practically hear a waterfall of tears from his lonely manhood. To not be loved (and not by choice) can drive people crazy. It’s no wonder he hates anyone else who is gettin’ some. But like many jealous people it’s hard to admit it, so it’s easier to blame everyone else for what they lack. It’s like those guys who think women only like jerks. These men think they’re automatically the nice guy because they’re alone and pretending to be nice in hopes of a woman liking them. Thing is, it’s not nice to only be nice for the sake of hooking up. That’s just fake-nice, user-nice, and women can smell it a mile away. So when fake-nice men get rejected they don’t blame themselves for being unsuccessfully manipulative, they blame the woman and her unjust taste in “jerks.”

But perhaps it’s not just sex that Rush Limbaugh can’t get, but more specifically sex with prostitutes. After all, Sandra Fluke is not a professional lady of the night, so naming these occupations sounds like a Freudian slip to me. Since he said prostitutes and sluts with such loathing (as if it’s an insult to practice the oldest profession in the world) it’s only fair to conclude that he has been repeatedly rejected by them. I don’t know if he realizes this, but Rush Limbaugh subconsciously outed himself as the least sexually attractive man on earth. After all, to not be able to get sex from the one group of women that everyone else in the world can get sex from when you’re plenty rich to compensate for what you lack… man, that’s gotta hurt. Knowing this almost makes me want to ask Congress to make procured sex a part of health insurance and a mandatory form of therapy so that Rush can get laid and we don’t have to hear him talk about sex anymore. Of course this would require all of us to pay for Rush to have sex, but please Mr. Limbaugh, don’t pay us back by videotaping yourself getting it on and posting it online.