Tag Archives: marriage

The Single Life – Why Married Couples Shouldn’t Divorce

I love being married–it’s a blast! You basically get to play house everyday and get some while you’re at it. In theory, you are guaranteed as much lovin’ as you want any day you want, as opposed to when you’re single, you have to go out and hope someone wants you as much as you want them. Why do you think the gay community has been fighting to get legally married for years? Marriage is totally underrated by the straights.  Which is maybe why there’s been a recent slew of married friends of mine wanting to file for divorce. These halves that are complaining about being married have obviously forgotten what it’s like to be single. Here’s a reminder:

Break Up
What Breaking Up Feels Like

As you can see by these photos from my single days, my friends and I look miserable (well except for my roommate in the background who always showed up when we were depressed so he could get a good laugh and my friend on the right who couldn’t help but pose in photos–but trust me, she was sad before the camera came out).  Oh but you ladies must have been having a wild time, free from any burdens, could do whatever you want! Yeah we had all that and as a result we met guys we liked and as you can see, we all got dumped. What people forget and take for granted after they score in the love category is that being single means getting rejected over and over and over again. Not that it can’t happen when you get married, but at least divorces happen less frequently than general dating breakups. Plus, heartaches caused by divorce receive greater sympathy and give you permission to cry for years. Do you really think that Ms. Thing Under a Torn Poster of Madonna there would get that after being dumped by someone she dated for three days? No.

I’m bringing this all up in hopes of changing some minds of friends who have considered going single again. Should you quit your marriage, consider the following:

1. Countless hours you’ll inevitably have to spend coming up with embarrassing adjectives to describe yourself on every matchmaking site out there.

2. You’ve heard it before, but it’s true… The loads of money you’ll spend on meeting people at bars and restaurants.

3. Energy you’ll need to muster when meeting the friends and family of a new love.

Ugh! Having to make nice with a whole new set of people? What’s so sexy and exciting about that? Isn’t that a distraction to the exciting sexy time you could have with the person you already have and are contracted to enjoy?! Yeah but I’ve been with the same person for 20 years, shouldn’t I get to try someone new? See! If you remembered the single life correctly, out of the many people you may or may not date (single does not always equal desired), at least 80% of them are gonna be the same type of person anyway, just with a different name and birth place. I’m sorry to report, our tastes are not that adventurous. Don’t believe me? How many new foods, activities, or places do you try out each week? If you are like anyone else I know, you may want to consider divorcing yourself now too.

So stick to what you have. Ignore your need to sleep with someone else and find some new moves or fantasize; don’t ask your other half if you can see other people then get angry and feel he doesn’t love you when he lets you do it; and if you think your love is like a light switch that turned off, well flip it back on. Don’t be the Serena Williams of long-term relationships to friends who are still on the prowl; be grateful for what you have. After all, if you thought this marriage was such a good idea that you asked your friends and family to spend money and vacation time to celebrate it, shouldn’t it be something worth really trying to make fun? Marriage is not like the pledge you make over a toilet seat when you swear you will never drink again or the gym membership you sign when you get entranced by your New Year’s resolutions. You can’t quit it when you no longer feel like doing it, because what’s the alternative? See above.

Tagged , , ,

Barney Frank Broke Up With Us

English: Official Congressional portrait of Co...

People get married to keep a good person next to them for life, which is why gay marriage should be made legal nationwide so we can make Congressman Barney Frank stay with us even if he’s ready to call it quits. We can’t just let a catch like him get up and leave Congress. Barney is cute, has a lisp, and his name… is there anyone better qualified to get grumpy and tell it like it is other than a Barney? I mean sure you can find one at your local dive bar now and then, but in the House of Representatives, that’s harder to come by. I know right now there are bigger stories to discuss, including the Occupy demonstrators getting kicked out of L.A.’s City Hall, but like after any break-up, I only want to talk about the break-up.

So why are you leaving us Barney?  It’s us, not you? That’s just like you isn’t it; blaming everyone but yourself. Or what, things got too tough? You’re ready to move on? I’ve heard it before, but you can’t escape love Mr. Frank. You gave of yourself and fought for us and made us think you’d always be there. You have been that boyfriend that is a jerk to everyone but his girlfriend. That’s because conservatives don’t understand you the way your constituents and I do. I know about the redistricting in Massachusetts and your unwillingness to woo a whole set of new voters, but what did you expect? That’s what happens in a long term relationship. People change now and then and you have to do the romance dance all over again. Are we not worth it?

You say you can better serve by not seeking re-election, but we all know what that means–you found someone else didn’t you? It’s Jim Ready isn’t it? I know you guys have been seeing each other for five years but what’s gonna happen when he’s your only one?  That relationship seems fun right now ’cause it’s your escape from Congress, but when you leave, do you think it will still have that same je ne sais quoi? Well I wish Jim lots of luck. He’s gonna need it, ’cause I don’t know how he’s gonna handle it when you have no one else to get angry with but him every day. I’m sorry. I’m not bitter. We’re adults after all. I’m sure Jim is a lovely man with a beard. It’s just hard to say goodbye after 16 terms in office. You’ve been so lovely at being so angry and loud Barney: your little voice ready to give out at any moment, your disheveled hair. I hope this next year lets you fulfill everything you wanted to and continue to kick mucho ass outside of Congress. Enjoy your life to the fullest at 71 Mr. Frank. I’ll try to move on and enjoy CSPAN without you. In the meantime, forgive me if I sit and replay these old videos of you to bad break-up ballads that always seem to pop up every time I think of you. *Tear*

Go to 3:05 for his speech

Tagged , , , , , , ,