Everybody loves spam–especially my dad during election season. Lucky for me, when politics ramp up, so do the number of emails educating me on what the other side thinks with attention grabbing subject lines such as:
- Let’s wake u7p people! The hour is late…
- FOR MORE INFORMATION ON THE SUPPORT MARRIAGE THROUGH BACKING UP CHICK A FILLET
- CONSERVATISM IS CALLING
- FW: Wow! Sept 28
- ChurchMilitant.TV – Catholics are born for combat Sept 18
As much as these headings bring hope for a balanced discussion, they’re missing the Spam World’s #1 clickability factor: sex. According to a 2006 NY Times article, if it’s porn and sex you’re selling you can get a click rate of 5.6%, otherwise the chances are less than .0075%. Unfortunately for me, this year’s candidates are much too faithful to their wives to cause a good old-fashioned sex scandal, so instead I get links that use other attention grabbing methods such as headings in all caps that let me know the end of the world is near. That made me click! And it’s a good thing I did. If it wasn’t for spam, I would never have known that I am causing the coming American apocalypse.
Before my dad’s emails, I thought Republicans and Tea Party people were for smaller government and no taxes, but according to the sites that get forwarded, they’re preparing for CIVIL WAR II—A VENGEFUL STATE against their sworn enemy the menacing Democrats. It’s a wonder that my dad was willing to take the risk he took to disclose how much conservatives know about the liberals’ numerous plots to bring down this country’s freedoms. I guess my dad found it necessary to let me know just how evil I was in case there was still time I could turn myself around. Little does he know that like zombies, once bitten and infected with liberal ideology, YOU CAN’T GO BACK! No wonder the right-wing hate liberals like myself so much. We are destroying America! For years, we have been brainwashed to believe that countries self-destruct because of war, famine, and brutal dictatorships, but little did we know that it’s support for universal healthcare, gay marriage and gun control that makes the cookie crumble. All hail Satan!
Now, I get it. During election season if you don’t absolutely hate the other side and believe they are conspiring against you, how else can you inspire anyone to vote? It’s boring to imagine that people choose leaders according to who they think will better serve our country; we all watch enough movies to know decisions are much more exciting when time is running out and everything is a matter of life and death. That’s why it’s not just conservatives that sound like crazy hermits holed up in a mountain awaiting the end of days, democrats are apt to see conspiracies everywhere too [I haven’t supplied examples of the left’s cautionary spam sent to me because the only spammer friend I have is my Dad, and political spammers are always one-sided]. One of the more popular conspiracies both sides share is that the opponent is always trying to win voters over by instilling fear through their campaign messages. And it’s true, both parties are trying to instill fear in the general public, and if you don’t know this is happening within both camps, you have no right to vote. You’re missing out on all the fun of politics, the chess of politics, more importantly, you’re missing out on the best subplot to this live action thriller–everyone believes they know that they are being manipulated because someone is manipulating them to think that they are.
So good for you spam! Without you, this 2012 Election season would not have been half so thrilling for my dad and I. Thanks for adding to our country’s and my family’s divisiveness by sharing with us in your subtle way who’s good and who’s bad. The choice is clear–just check your spam box.
- Anti-Obama spam texts linked to robo-call firm (thestar.com)