Tag Archives: New York Times

My Dad Spams

Everybody loves spam–especially my dad during election season. Lucky for me, when politics ramp up, so do the number of emails educating me on what the other side thinks with attention grabbing subject lines such as:

  • Let’s wake u7p people!  The hour is late…
  • FW: Wow! Sept 28
  • ChurchMilitant.TV – Catholics are born for combat Sept 18

As much as these headings bring hope for a balanced discussion, they’re missing the Spam World’s #1 clickability factor: sex. According to a 2006 NY Times article, if it’s porn and sex you’re selling you can get a click rate of 5.6%, otherwise the chances are less than .0075%. Unfortunately for me, this year’s candidates are much too faithful to their wives to cause a good old-fashioned sex scandal, so instead I get links that use other attention grabbing methods such as headings in all caps that let me know the end of the world is near. That made me click! And it’s a good thing I did. If it wasn’t for spam, I would never have known that I am causing the coming American apocalypse.

Before my dad’s emails, I thought Republicans and Tea Party people were for smaller government and no taxes, but according to the sites that get forwarded, they’re preparing for CIVIL WAR II—A VENGEFUL STATE against their sworn enemy the menacing Democrats. It’s a wonder that my dad was willing to take the risk he took to disclose how much conservatives know about the liberals’ numerous plots to bring down this country’s freedoms. I guess my dad found it necessary to let me know just how evil I was in case there was still time I could turn myself around. Little does he know that like zombies, once bitten and infected with liberal ideology, YOU CAN’T GO BACK! No wonder the right-wing hate liberals like myself so much. We are destroying America! For years, we have been brainwashed to believe that countries self-destruct because of war, famine, and brutal dictatorships, but little did we know that it’s support for universal healthcare, gay marriage and gun control that makes the cookie crumble. All hail Satan!

Now, I get it.  During election season if you don’t absolutely hate the other side and believe they are conspiring against you, how else can you inspire anyone to vote?  It’s boring to imagine that people choose leaders according to who they think will better serve our country; we all watch enough movies to know decisions are much more exciting when time is running out and everything is a matter of life and death. That’s why it’s not just conservatives that sound like crazy hermits holed up in a mountain awaiting the end of days, democrats are apt to see conspiracies everywhere too [I haven’t supplied examples of the left’s cautionary spam sent to me because the only spammer friend I have is my Dad, and political spammers are always one-sided]. One of the more popular conspiracies both sides share is that the opponent is always trying to win voters over by instilling fear through their campaign messages. And it’s true, both parties are trying to instill fear in the general public, and if you don’t know this is happening within both camps, you have no right to vote. You’re missing out on all the fun of politics, the chess of politics, more importantly, you’re missing out on the best subplot to this live action thriller–everyone believes they know that they are being manipulated because someone is manipulating them to think that they are.

So good for you spam! Without you, this 2012 Election season would not have been half so thrilling for my dad and I. Thanks for adding to our country’s and my family’s divisiveness by sharing with us in your subtle way who’s good and who’s bad. The choice is clear–just check your spam box.

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F*%k You Breast Cancer Research!

Take a quick look at these photos. What one thing do I have in all of them? That’s right, a big happy smile. But now after reading an article in the New York Times, it looks like these happy photos will be no more ’cause according to new research findings, a few drinks can raise your risk of getting breast cancer. Well f**k you Breast Cancer! And f#%k your researchers!

Breast cancer has always pissed me off. Thanks to breast cancer I have to do circular check-up feel-ups on my breasts that I still don’t know when to do so I do them every time fear sets in; thanks to breast cancer women get to look forward to getting their boobs smashed for mammograms-SMASHED! Breast cancer can kill big breasted women’s identity and one of their massive appendages, for small breasted women, it can take the tiny bit of boob the tiny boobied already have, and worst of all breast cancer killed a beautiful, healthy, charming and giggly friend of mine when she was 30 and that is just f**king unforgivable. Then yesterday I hear this bull$*it that any amount of alcohol increases women’s chances of developing breast cancer?! F**k you Breast Cancer! Women like their booze!

What would Sex and the City be if it wasn’t for their stupid Cosmos? What would ladies night be without a cheesy bottle of red wine to accompany our very in-depth conversation? How few dudes would we really have to choose from if we didn’t have drink goggles? How many ladies would never see their husbands during sports seasons if they couldn’t hang with a pitcher of beer? And what kind of awful mistakes would we not learn from if we couldn’t get stupid with some complicated dumb-named shots in college?  To take drinking from women isn’t just a little something we can all do without, you’re robbing us of an entire way of life.  Oh so what? Men are the only ones that can enjoy the amazing happy  hours that have finally sprung up, or the fancy cocktail schmocktail revolution us mixed drink fans have waited for for so long? F**k you! Drink time has finally gotten good and now that smoking is out of the picture, I have too few vices in my life to get this taken away from me too. Not that I always drink, but hell, if I can’t indulge in Balenciaga then Lord let me please feel that I can indulge in a drink when I feel like it. F*@k you Breast Cancer. Why? Why?

Hell – you know what Breast Cancer? I probably shouldn’t even be so pissed off at you for this booze attack. You’re just doing your thing. It’s those God da** researchers that are f#*king things up! Seriously?! You had to spend 30 years researching a bunch of drunk ladies? You couldn’t look into plastics, the environment, cars, Chicken McNuggets?!  What’s next on your list party poopers: chocolate, deep tissue massage, Paris?! Oh f*%k you if I can’t go to Paris ’cause so far thanks to your awesome new finding I can never visit New Orleans again unless I chop my breasts off and go Chaz Bono. What’s supposed to happen to the women who like to relax, feel a little sexier than usual and pretend we’re in a Tuscan villa when having dinner with friends? What’s our alternative? Pot?! I’m not in college anymore! I can’t do that 7 days a week! Nothing against those that can, but sorry, I have never found a particularly good pairing between pot and lobster. Sure pot is great to build an appetite but you can’t take tiny puffs while eating-trust me, the flavor never compliments a menu outside of Jack in the Box. How about cocaine? What about it? I can’t afford it. Plus you can’t do it casually while getting ready for a night out on the town and you can’t snort it when a friend is feeling in the dumps and needs a sympathetic ear. On cocaine we’d all be the worst friends ever. And forget psychedelics, those take too long and there is no hair of the dog brunch that can cure the awful hangover the next day. Oh sh**! Brunch! I hadn’t thought about that. Stupid researchers are getting rid of ladies with mimosas?! Ah hells no!

What’s with you people? You’ve obviously got a grudge. So what is it Mr. and Mrs. Scientist Researcher? Did you hate waiting in line for breakfast on Sundays at your favorite restaurant? Did loud ladies at the bar scare you from being yourself and having a good time? What, you don’t like helping platformed women up who stumbled drunk on the ground? Or maybe you did all this ’cause you’re both perverts and love you some drunk women. I get that. You figured the only way to surround yourself with 100,000 easy ladies for 30 years was to have someone else pay for the drinks and call it research. Yeah, we’ve all heard that before-we just didn’t know it was true!!!! From here on out us ladies have got to save ourselves and our good times. Please, I beg you all, do NOT volunteer for any other research that is finding fault with anything you might love. And researchers please, if you have to put out shi**y findings like yesterday’s, then please balance it with some shi**y findings for men as well.

Thank you.

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