Drunk LA Girl Reviews This Year’s Debates

For the past few weeks I have been writing in character as Drunk LA Girl–the political correspondent for Scallywag Magazine. The article listed below is reprinted from today’s scallywagmagazine.com online post. Right away you will see that she is not pregnant.

PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE #2 AND I DON’T WANT TO SNUGGLE-by Drunk LA Girl

So I’m on vacation with this guy I’ve been going out with from work for a few weeks. He wanted to impress me so he got us a place in Carmel ‘cause he kept saying how beautiful Big Sur is and that I’d really like it. Ugh.

Does this look like a place you’d want to watch a debate?

Anyway, in Clint Eastwoodland where breakfast does not come with senior discounts or credit card machines to pay for it, I heard a bunch of retired old rich people talking about their money and the debates. What the fuck? Old people have money?

Knowing my luck with these stupid debates I called around to see if any bars were going to be playing this one. Good news! Nobody gives a shit about our elections because they care more about sports! So I invited Mathew for a drink that night at a British Pub that only plays soccer but Mathew said he wanted to order in a bottle of champagne and snuggle. I should have known better the second he said, “Snuggle,” but I just kept hoping he was being ironic.

Anyway, we get back to the hotel room, he brings out a really nice bottle of something French and bubbly and puts on the TV. For a second I thought we were gonna watch Breaking Amish, which is great ‘cause I missed the last two episodes, but then he changed the channel and put, I am not fucking kidding you, the debates. He must have noticed how not happy I was ‘cause he asked me if I was into politics. I’m like, “Duh! You’re hot! Why the hell would I ever tell you the truth?!”

So I lied and said, “Yeah,” but that I have to get wasted first. So I laid there in a big fluffy bed with this big handsome dumbass, who it turns out was not being ironic about snuggling and watched the debates… AGAIN!

Mama said knock you out

Sure enough it wasn’t even the smiley old guy from the last debate, it was the same two guys from the first boring debate! This time though they weren’t at teacher podiums, instead some lazy set decorator with no budget just gave them two chairs to sit on. But I guess somebody told them they couldn’t sit on the chairs for too long though ‘cause the two guys couldn’t stay in them for anything.

It’s like, if you have a chair, use it! One thing’s for sure, even though they’d get up all the time, neither of them wanted to lose their seats ‘cause they’d talk and go right back to them after making some statement or promise to some random person with nothing better to do than to ask questions.

It was dumb too, ‘cause you could tell nobody believed either of the guys when they answered. But why should they? Their answers were just as pointless as the questions. Almost everything asked had nothing to do with the presidency. How is the president gonna help with the economy? How is the president gonna help with women getting better pay? How is the president gonna help me find a job without a boss I hate? It’s not a dictatorship, stupid undecideds! The president has to work with other people in Congress and business owners who suck.

Correction: Undecided voters really chosen from extras casting rejects from Walking Dead except for the hot chick with the mic

And who chose these undecideds? Commercials cast good-looking people to represent everyday Americans, why do debates cast ugly people? ‘Cause frumpy people who don’t wear fun colors or interesting outfits are more believable? Fine then– everyone I know is a liar!

I don’t know anyone as drab and tired looking as the group they picked up from an IHOP after a Boring Stiffs Who Do Something Nobody Cares About convention. If this is what politicians think of Americans then I don’t want to vote for anybody.

And the moderator? Seriously, she needed to see how the lady last week did it. I hate passive aggressive people. This Candy lady just nervously giggled her way through every interruption.

And don’t think telling guys, “I need you to stop,” and then letting them keep talking is gonna work. You’re bigger than them and you’re the moderator! The woman from last week’s debate wouldn’t have let them keep talking while walking in circles. She would have said, “Bitch Romney… Bitch Obama… shut up!” And Candy, those overworked ringlets did not help your case. But I do like your hair color.

Seasoned political reporter Candy Crowley obviously chosen from the Likes to Drink with Secret Service binder

Oh and then Romney has a five point plan ’cause it’s easy for people like me to remember since I always have five fingers on each hand no matter how drunk I get. Thing is I don’t remember what those five points were. What I do know is that Romney likes to cut taxes a lot. You know why? ‘Cause he’s Republican.

That’s how they solve everything. They love talking about taxes and the Reagan years—like they were so good. Does nobody remember the late 80’s?! I was a kid, cartoons sucked and I still remember they were the shitty years that led to the really shitty years of the early 90’s.

And then Romney tried accusing Obama of not being a supporter of gas and coal, like those two things are soooo great or have anything to do with each other. But then Obama would say, “Nuh-uh. That’s not true.” And Romney would say, “Uh-huh, it is.” And then Obama told everyone that it’s Romney who never liked coal. And I’m like, who gives a shit about coal?!

Isn’t there a reason we have to suffer through Earth Day every year with my roommate running around turning off ALL our lights?! Then they just talked shit about each other and let everyone know that China must be a great place to invest in since both of them do. I wanna be part of the one percent that invests in China. Too bad I like eating at McCormick & Schmick’s after work so I can’t starve myself enough to marry a prince or get past my stupid team lead to take over a VP post.

Oh wait, but I’m a woman, so the two debaters had to let me know that if I vote for one of them I’ll make tons of money like the hot loser guy I was stuck snuggling with. Gross.

Honey Boo Boo endorses Obama and free birth control. “Ain’t all free stuff good?”

Obama kept saying that if women get free birth control or child care they’d make more money but that’s dumb, ‘cause I already use cheap birth control and don’t have kids and I’m still not making enough to live on my own.

And then Romney said something about finding qualified men but no women to work on his team so he had to make up qualifications so his staff could find a way to get some women in a binder.

Well then, stick me in a binder, pretend I’m qualified the same way guys pretend their friends are qualified and get me a real job!

Anyway, my favorite part was when the two guys almost got into a fight. They got close enough to punch or kiss each other but nobody was drunk enough to make the first move. BORING. It probably didn’t help that Obama’s taller and younger than Romney so Romney was smart and went back to his stupid chair. I really hated those chairs.

Worst part of the debate though was afterwards when some woman on ABC whined about Romney not getting as much time as Obama and that she thought it was obvious that nervous-face Candy was letting Obama take over.

REALLY?! I hate when women totally make up something totally fake just ‘cause they can’t handle the fact that they didn’t get what they want. You know what? Sometimes people fail ‘cause they fail. When everyone said Obama failed last time did you, whiney woman on ABC, say, oh man, Obama wasn’t treated the same as Romney.

This is what I call “Snuggling”

No—because you don’t give a shit. You and every other whiner out there are like my friend Christina who whenever a guy broke up with her, would blame it on the guy not being ready to commit even though the guys would tell her it was because she was super self-centered and didn’t know how to have fun.

It’s women like Christina and every other whiney Republican who can’t face the fact that Romney didn’t beat Obama this time around that should have been in that lame crowd of questioners at the debate.

By the time the debate ended, I finished the bottle of champagne and pulled out my own box of wine from my suitcase. It shocked Mathew to see it but you know what? I can only lie about myself for so long.

And you know what else Mathew?

I hate snuggling. It’s over!

To see her related articles in this series please click below:

• Not In My Bar — Review of the First 2012 Presidential Debate (scallywagmagazine.com)
• Forced To Watch Old Guy Vs. Young Guy — Review of the VP Debate (scallywagmagazine.com)

Obama Plays a Game of “Piss Off The Catholic”

Being a Catholic right now is so exciting–it means I get to be outraged because my bishop told me to. Now don’t get confused, bishop outrage is different from the Catholic League’s everyday outrage. The Catholic League makes a big to-do over anything that can get them press, like their recent huff over Nicki Minaj’s Grammy performance and Pope accessory. As scandalous as it is for Catholics to see someone perform with a priest, monks and altar boys to O Come All Ye Faithful, the Catholic league does not speak for the Church nor is it endorsed by it. This is because the Church has been dealing with human beings for 2,000 years and knows that the outrage card is only powerful if used sparingly. So imagine my surprise when President Obama decided to play a game of “Piss Off the Catholic” with the entire Catholic Church and the Church took the bait. If you’ve never played before, “Piss Off the Catholic” is a side-splitting pastime that even Catholics partake in, where one person says traditionally outrageous things at a conservative dinner party such as “Gays should marry,” and, “Women should be priests.” It’s such a good time and one I look forward to at every family holiday.

For this round of the game, the President chose the topic of contraceptives. The Catholic Church condemns the use of contraceptives and has been sure to reiterate this since 1967–just in time to cock-block Catholic hippies during that year’s Summer of Love. Why does the Church say no to contraceptives? I still don’t know, but the delightful read can be found in Pope Paul VI‘s Humanae Vitae. There the deceased Pope explains how it’s okay to prevent pregnancies using the Natural Family Planning method, but not through the use of a lowly relationship-crushing condom. If this doesn’t make sense to you, then you must not be married. After all, how could a single person understand what a marriage is all about.

I was so excited when Obama went for it and from out of nowhere told the Catholic Church that their employee health plans had to provide contraceptives for those working in their hospitals and school (not churches). Oh man, the faces on those bishops must have been priceless! Not only did he piss off the church but he got pro-contraceptive people calling into radio stations yelling because they thought the Catholic Church was preventing women from their right to use a pill. It was the best game of “Piss Off the Catholic” I’ve ever seen. Secretly I hoped Obama would even venture into “Piss Off the Lame Boss” and tell an old employer of mine that he needs to provide his employees with a less strict dress code. After all, it’s our right to freedom of speech to wear what we want, and my old boss who left corporate law to open up a coffee shop, continues to make all of his employees dress like corporate lawyers against their wills.

So then after all was said and done, President Obama must have spoken to Susan G. Komen, because as the rage grew, he rescinded his proposal this week and came to a compromise with the angry bishops. Now Catholic Institutions no longer have to pay for contraceptives, instead it’s their health insurance companies that will have to.  That’s it?! A compromise? Not just one more jab from either team to keep the press going? Is it just me or does anyone else feel like they were watching the best episode ever of their favorite TV show and it all turned out to be a dream. Or worse yet, an unaired episode of Punk’d.

Related articles

• Contraception’s Con Men (nybooks.com)
• Catholic League Blasts Nicki Minaj’s Grammy Performance (rollingstone.com)
• Bishops don’t speak for most Catholics on contraception (cnn.com)