Tag Archives: Pregnancy

Fear Of Expulsion

childvictimI should be excited right? That’s how mom’s are supposed to feel as the time nears for fetal expulsion. We’re supposed to seem unstoppable walking for hours off-balance in hopes of getting that baby out. We eat spicy foods, drink castor oil, make a restaurant in Studio City, CA very rich by perpetuating the myth of its birth inducing salad. But in the frenzied impatience, does anyone stop to think what we’re impatient for?

For weeks I’ve been on standby expecting my child to blow out from whence it came, but it does not cometh. We’re now post-due-date and the time is maddening; everything’s been taken care of so I have little to do and can’t venture too far because I know I could go into labor at any second and give some poor stranger the awful task of mopping up my mess. So instead I’ve been lying around, brushing up on phone skills with family and friends, watching entire seasons of America’s Next Top Model and reading through Facebook every five minutes. As you would guess these passing time activities have led to boredom, boredom leading to frustration, frustration leading to impatience, impatience leading to killing time by taking long looks at my naked pregnant body’s proportions in a mirror which at last led me to realize: Holy Sh**! HOW THE F*$% IS THIS BASKETBALL SUPPOSED TO GET OUT OF MY COOCH?!

So while everyone is cheering this baby on, I’m feeling stuck and scared–real scared and with no one in my corner. My husband is talking to my belly: coaxing it, threatening it, bribing it. Friends, families, neighbors, the maintenance man at our apartment complex, everyone is cheering for me and my baby like we’re on a rooftop and they want to see us jump.

At this late in the game, I know I should be much tougher and cooler about it. It’s not like I’m a 13-year-old boy being told to imagine having a baby; I’m a mature educated woman who took a 12 week birthing class called Bradley Method. I’ve watched the creepy videos with grainy footage of exhausted mothers pushing babies out oozing in purple sauce, vaginas stretching (funny they never show the after shot…hmmm) and embarrassing private moments of mothers moaning in pain. I know what’s coming up, and you know what? To hell with the beautiful power of maternity and the excitement I’ll feel after the baby comes. For now, me and 13-year-old boys agree–this is some crazy shit and OMG it’s gonna suck.

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Take My Maternity Photo, It’ll Last Longer (Part IV-Yoga)

Continued from Take My Maternity Photo, It’ll Last Longer (Part III Sweet vs Sexy)...

Healthy Yoga Girl

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Women love yoga. Especially pregnant ones. There is no other exercise that speaks to their cycles and need for new age music while breaking a sweat. It also provides just enough sweat to receive praise for taking care of themselves and their precious babies.

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You don’t even have to do yoga to say you practice it. Just take your maternity photos outside in yoga pants and a tank top to bask in maternal strength and beauty. See the power in the woman below?

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Sure you do. That’s because yoga connects pregnant women with nature. You can tell by how well they suddenly blend into their surroundings when meditating.

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So put together your best mix of Indonesian chimes, grab that yoga ball, and breathe–soon you’ll be in labor and looking just as radiant as your healthy yoga maternity photos.

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Take My Maternity Photo, It’ll Last Longer (Part III – Sweet vs Sexy)

Continued from Take My Maternity Photo, It’ll Last Longer (Part II-Haunted)

The virgin and the whore–never shall these two meet except in maternity photos. Women complain about being labeled as one or the other, but when it comes to photos who cares. Being pregnant gives you the power to be every woman, so try both limiting views of our sex!

The Sweet and Virginal

Photos by Evi T’Bolt

No matter what set of looks you go for, the Sweet and Virginal is a must. Forget about how you got pregnant in the first place, you’re about to have a baby! These shots help build your own personal mommy pedestal for friends and future children who prefer their pregnant women as naive sacred beings rather than experienced women of the world.

Of course those countless years of tasteless hook-ups that led you to your new bump in the road can make it hard to be a born-again-innocent, but for photos, you don’t have to be innocent, just look it! So go for make-up free looking make-up, dress in your pastel baby shower best with relaxed comfy preggo jeans and  dazzle everyone with how impossibly fresh and unjilted you can still look. Because pregnancy isn’t about preparing to raise a child, it’s about taking grade school photos in a park to be a child again.

It’s even better with flowers…

…or a large phallic tree.

TMI Sexy

Now let’s get to what every woman getting a maternity photo really came for: to look hot as hell. After months of yoga pants and ultrasounds, a girl has got to let that inner sexy roar. In the States that means looking raunchy and showing off way too much skin. Doesn’t matter how universally beautiful or not a preggo may be, when they see models posing with their bellies like this…

…they can’t help but one-up that model and make it look even sexier.

Photos by Evi T’Bolt

Although we fear having a big stomach on off-pregnant days, when we are pregnant it becomes like a sexy third boob demanding exposure.

The general onlooker might not want to know this much about a pregnant woman‘s sex life, but the pregnant woman doesn’t care. You may not think you find her alluring anymore, but she is certain that one look at these pics will change your mind.

Tomorrow’s posting, last but not least: Healthy Yoga Girl.

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Take My Maternity Photo, It’ll Last Longer (Part II — Haunted)

Continued from “Take My Maternity Photo, It’ll Last Longer”

It is also important in maternity photos to never take them in your own living environment. Do you think your home is cute? Moms-to-be don’t. You’ve spent most of your 9 months of fetal incubation there and that means the ugly truth of pregnancy could, so to speak, leak out. Remember this isn’t about you, it’s about the collective and propagating the ideal that pregnancy is glowing goodness. Instead, maternity photos should always take place in a professional studio for the perfectly controlled sculpted look or in the fantastical dreaminess of the great outdoors. And what look suits a Tolkien-like setting better than the Haunted?

HAUNTED

This look is meant for the baby daddy but designed by women who miss Lillith Fair. Although flowy and gauzy like The Fairy, the soundtrack is different. The previous look is inspired by Enya, while this one whispers Kate BushRunning Up That Hill” and Sarah McLaughlin circa 1994. It’s moody and sexy in a way that only women get but they keep thinking their men will see it too.  The woman who takes these photos wants her husband to find her otherworldly, fragile and frightened in spite of her 9 month cravings for taquitos.

A fairy can dance and skip with ethereal joy, but these ghostly photos express how romantically vulnerable pregnancy makes a woman wearing all white and standing still like a deer in the woods. She’s delicate wrapped like a broken arm without a cast.

Look dreamily far away. She is a damsel in distress waiting for a knight in shining armor who can rescue her and is blind enough to overlook the fact that she is way too pregnant to get on a horse.

Soon these women’s husbands will think of them as She Who Cleans Diapers, She Who Drives Mini Van, She Who Cut My Wife’s Gorgeous Long Hair To A “Death To Sex” Shorter Convenient Length, but rest assured, that these photos will haunt these men, reminding them of just how beautiful their wives were lost and roaming the woods during her momentous nine month journey.

Photos by Evi T’Bolt

To be continued tomorrow: Sweet and Virginal vs T.M.I. Sexy

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Take My Maternity Photo, It’ll Last Longer

At last a couple of weeks ago, I was finally able to participate in the new American tradition of taking maternity photos! Aside from senior year or weddings, maternity is the only other time when it’s socially acceptable for women to splurge on a professional photographer to commemorate a life-changing event. And what better way to look back on those nine grueling months of nausea, fear, body enlargement, restrictive diet, bad maternity clothes, stretch marks, acne, swollen ankles, daily aches and gas than with beauty shots! Women it seems are never more beautiful than when they hate life.

To demonstrate how precious pregnancy is, maternity photos must exude the mythic glow preggos can’t help but blind people with. Sure I personally have only been complimented on it when my hair and make-up is done, but it’s one of the few carrots pregnant ladies get, so BACK OFF!

Pregnancy is magical, precious, empowering. Forget seeing a woman live in action mid-contraction–there is no glow in that! Stick to far away looks and dream somewhere deep inside that you’re Bambi while posing half-naked.

We want our American preggos to be hot lioness earth mothers with enough virginal frailty to not sully our puritanical ideals of motherhood. And who better to perpetuate this unattainable image than pregnant women themselves? In spite of their crankiness and pain, pregnant women are still women, and hell if they’re not gonna do their damnedest to look good. They know how to do it—and if you’re new to walking with a fetus, you had better follow suit.

MY PHOTO SESSIONS

It is well known that every pregnancy is different, but maternity photo sessions are not the time to distinguish yourself from the tribe of mothers-to-be. Just like everything else to do with the breeding lifestyle, when it comes to taking photos there is a right way and a wrong way. The right way—you’ll be mom of the year; wrong way—give your baby up for adoption and never try having children again.

So I met with my photographer and friend Evi T’Bolt to review the best way to photograph the way I’m supposed to be feeling about being pregnant. We stuck to five of the six common looks: The Fairy, Sweet and Virginal, Haunted, TMI Sexy, and Healthy Yoga Girl. There is also the classic Demi Moore naked profile pic but due to various constraints, we had to pass. Still, with the looks we did shoot I hope everyone can see just how beautiful and delicate pregnancy has made me.

Let’s begin with…

THE FAIRY

My primary inspiration for this look was this photo:

Isn’t she just lovely? Even the water sparkles at the sight of her. Photoshop can barely contain the glow she feels from holding her baby. That’s because pregnant women happily frolic through the fields when no one is looking until they take their maternity photos.

Posting tomorrow: Haunted. Stay tuned…

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