Tag Archives: Rene Parker

Fear Of Expulsion

childvictimI should be excited right? That’s how mom’s are supposed to feel as the time nears for fetal expulsion. We’re supposed to seem unstoppable walking for hours off-balance in hopes of getting that baby out. We eat spicy foods, drink castor oil, make a restaurant in Studio City, CA very rich by perpetuating the myth of its birth inducing salad. But in the frenzied impatience, does anyone stop to think what we’re impatient for?

For weeks I’ve been on standby expecting my child to blow out from whence it came, but it does not cometh. We’re now post-due-date and the time is maddening; everything’s been taken care of so I have little to do and can’t venture too far because I know I could go into labor at any second and give some poor stranger the awful task of mopping up my mess. So instead I’ve been lying around, brushing up on phone skills with family and friends, watching entire seasons of America’s Next Top Model and reading through Facebook every five minutes. As you would guess these passing time activities have led to boredom, boredom leading to frustration, frustration leading to impatience, impatience leading to killing time by taking long looks at my naked pregnant body’s proportions in a mirror which at last led me to realize: Holy Sh**! HOW THE F*$% IS THIS BASKETBALL SUPPOSED TO GET OUT OF MY COOCH?!

So while everyone is cheering this baby on, I’m feeling stuck and scared–real scared and with no one in my corner. My husband is talking to my belly: coaxing it, threatening it, bribing it. Friends, families, neighbors, the maintenance man at our apartment complex, everyone is cheering for me and my baby like we’re on a rooftop and they want to see us jump.

At this late in the game, I know I should be much tougher and cooler about it. It’s not like I’m a 13-year-old boy being told to imagine having a baby; I’m a mature educated woman who took a 12 week birthing class called Bradley Method. I’ve watched the creepy videos with grainy footage of exhausted mothers pushing babies out oozing in purple sauce, vaginas stretching (funny they never show the after shot…hmmm) and embarrassing private moments of mothers moaning in pain. I know what’s coming up, and you know what? To hell with the beautiful power of maternity and the excitement I’ll feel after the baby comes. For now, me and 13-year-old boys agree–this is some crazy shit and OMG it’s gonna suck.

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Gingrich Believes in The Secret

Newt Gingrich the artist

Thank God it’s over–Gingrich finally bowed out of the presidential race. I don’t think I could have handled it much longer. Every time Newt Gingrich declared himself the clear frontrunner during the republican primary, who didn’t think, “Dude, he’s crazy!” It was like watching a pathological liar get caught stealing a cookie but swear he’s never seen a cookie in his whole life while holding the stolen cookie in his hand. I even started feeling bad for Newt whenever he’d say Mitt Romney couldn’t win an election. Maybe he had gone numb from the number of times Romney’s boot kicked him in every state?  And not just Mitt Romney, he even got beat out by Rick Santorum! But did that stop our Newt bomb from going off? No it did not. At first I thought that maybe this crazy talk of winning had something to do with Newt’s infamously massive ego, but then I started wondering: What if he didn’t believe that he was winning? What if he just said that so he wouldn’t lose? That’s when I realized–Gingrich isn’t crazy, he’s an artist!

If you’ve known any actors, writers, artists or musicians, you’ve probably seen a bit of Newt in them. For years they don’t get a gig, yet when asked how things are going in their careers they reply with a simple and upbeat, “Great.” Now if you ask those same friends for details they may divulge some of the ugly truth, but in the impossible world of professional artists, they can never let you in on all their insecurities, because if they do, they will fail.

This is due in small part to the mythos of The Secret. According to The Secret what you say will in turn manifest itself. It seems that thanks to the power of imagination and vocabulary, we all possess the power to create or destroy our own futures. So if for instance, you’re a Debbie Downer and you complain about never making it, well guess what? The reason you’re miserable and not making it is because you keep saying you’re not making it. Knowing that kind of weight is on an artist’s shoulders, do you believe any of them could ever admit to failing? Even if one of them doesn’t believe in The Secret, the rest of them do (or at least pretend they do just in case); so non-believers still have to play the confidence game so they don’t get written off by possible job creators. It’s like the butterfly effect. Let’s say you’re an actor and you’re really depressed and say, “Yeah I haven’t scored a gig in 2 years, and my agent’s about to drop me, and hell I can’t even work on a student film, what’s wrong with me?” The person that hears this will respond with a look of disgust at having come so dangerously close to a living breathing failure. The scent from your listener’s twisted face (oh yes, bad faces do emit smells) transmits negative signals to prospective fans of yours that causes them to hate your face, which in turn vibrates to managers, agents and casting directors, so by the time you show up to their offices, a sort of gag reflex takes over the manager, agent and casting director and you are instantly shut out before you can even begin your career. Simply put, if you let anyone know you’re failing then you won’t get any support because people like to help those with a chance of success, and that chance is best calculated by how successful those people already are.

Well how is that really considered helping if you’re not supporting a person in need? It’s not helping, it’s betting on a winner. Face it, if people are going to invest their time or money on anything, they want to make sure it’s going to succeed. But if you’re not the winner, then what can you do to get the help you so desperately need? Don’t tell anyone you’re a loser and market yourself as the underdog–the one with the right stuff that nobody had the brains and foresight to see except for your loyal fans. So basically you’re still selling yourself as a winner, but a more nuanced one.

This is the lesson that Newt missed out on. He stuck so closely to The Secret that he forgot to change his plan of attack. As a result, Newt put his campaign to rest leaving thousands of Secret believers shocked to discover that Newt has no verbal powers to change the minds of voters or the results of the Republican primary. Still the ever-winning and Secret-following Newt made sure he did not step down a loser. He chose hopeful words during his goodbye speech and to the universe coined himself, “An active citizen,” because active doers make winning happen.

Newt Gingrich and Shep Smith of Fox

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F*%k You Breast Cancer Research!

Take a quick look at these photos. What one thing do I have in all of them? That’s right, a big happy smile. But now after reading an article in the New York Times, it looks like these happy photos will be no more ’cause according to new research findings, a few drinks can raise your risk of getting breast cancer. Well f**k you Breast Cancer! And f#%k your researchers!

Breast cancer has always pissed me off. Thanks to breast cancer I have to do circular check-up feel-ups on my breasts that I still don’t know when to do so I do them every time fear sets in; thanks to breast cancer women get to look forward to getting their boobs smashed for mammograms-SMASHED! Breast cancer can kill big breasted women’s identity and one of their massive appendages, for small breasted women, it can take the tiny bit of boob the tiny boobied already have, and worst of all breast cancer killed a beautiful, healthy, charming and giggly friend of mine when she was 30 and that is just f**king unforgivable. Then yesterday I hear this bull$*it that any amount of alcohol increases women’s chances of developing breast cancer?! F**k you Breast Cancer! Women like their booze!

What would Sex and the City be if it wasn’t for their stupid Cosmos? What would ladies night be without a cheesy bottle of red wine to accompany our very in-depth conversation? How few dudes would we really have to choose from if we didn’t have drink goggles? How many ladies would never see their husbands during sports seasons if they couldn’t hang with a pitcher of beer? And what kind of awful mistakes would we not learn from if we couldn’t get stupid with some complicated dumb-named shots in college?  To take drinking from women isn’t just a little something we can all do without, you’re robbing us of an entire way of life.  Oh so what? Men are the only ones that can enjoy the amazing happy  hours that have finally sprung up, or the fancy cocktail schmocktail revolution us mixed drink fans have waited for for so long? F**k you! Drink time has finally gotten good and now that smoking is out of the picture, I have too few vices in my life to get this taken away from me too. Not that I always drink, but hell, if I can’t indulge in Balenciaga then Lord let me please feel that I can indulge in a drink when I feel like it. F*@k you Breast Cancer. Why? Why?

Hell – you know what Breast Cancer? I probably shouldn’t even be so pissed off at you for this booze attack. You’re just doing your thing. It’s those God da** researchers that are f#*king things up! Seriously?! You had to spend 30 years researching a bunch of drunk ladies? You couldn’t look into plastics, the environment, cars, Chicken McNuggets?!  What’s next on your list party poopers: chocolate, deep tissue massage, Paris?! Oh f*%k you if I can’t go to Paris ’cause so far thanks to your awesome new finding I can never visit New Orleans again unless I chop my breasts off and go Chaz Bono. What’s supposed to happen to the women who like to relax, feel a little sexier than usual and pretend we’re in a Tuscan villa when having dinner with friends? What’s our alternative? Pot?! I’m not in college anymore! I can’t do that 7 days a week! Nothing against those that can, but sorry, I have never found a particularly good pairing between pot and lobster. Sure pot is great to build an appetite but you can’t take tiny puffs while eating-trust me, the flavor never compliments a menu outside of Jack in the Box. How about cocaine? What about it? I can’t afford it. Plus you can’t do it casually while getting ready for a night out on the town and you can’t snort it when a friend is feeling in the dumps and needs a sympathetic ear. On cocaine we’d all be the worst friends ever. And forget psychedelics, those take too long and there is no hair of the dog brunch that can cure the awful hangover the next day. Oh sh**! Brunch! I hadn’t thought about that. Stupid researchers are getting rid of ladies with mimosas?! Ah hells no!

What’s with you people? You’ve obviously got a grudge. So what is it Mr. and Mrs. Scientist Researcher? Did you hate waiting in line for breakfast on Sundays at your favorite restaurant? Did loud ladies at the bar scare you from being yourself and having a good time? What, you don’t like helping platformed women up who stumbled drunk on the ground? Or maybe you did all this ’cause you’re both perverts and love you some drunk women. I get that. You figured the only way to surround yourself with 100,000 easy ladies for 30 years was to have someone else pay for the drinks and call it research. Yeah, we’ve all heard that before-we just didn’t know it was true!!!! From here on out us ladies have got to save ourselves and our good times. Please, I beg you all, do NOT volunteer for any other research that is finding fault with anything you might love. And researchers please, if you have to put out shi**y findings like yesterday’s, then please balance it with some shi**y findings for men as well.

Thank you.

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What is the Occupy Movement?

“Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like it when I’m angry.”
– Dr. David Bruce Banner

This morning I heard another radio story about the Occupy movement’s unfocused message; that if Occupy Wall Street had a clear single sentence demand, or had easy to accomplish goals, or had one specific enemy to take down, then the rest of us would join in the march. If only we knew what Occupy really was? Well people, there’s a reason there’s no one word logo, or easy to remember battle cry, because Occupy isn’t a movement, it’s THE HULK!

For those who don’t remember, the Hulk was a big green guy that came out of an unassuming but extremely cranky scientist named David Banner. Anyway, David OD’d on gamma radiation one day and afterwards anytime something pissed him off he turned into the gigantic, crazy strong and ooohhh so angry HULK. Did anyone ever question the Hulk’s message? No. Did anyone ever say, “Boy Hulk, I would love to be behind you and what you stand for but without a single cause and problem I can’t jump on board.” No! No one said that, because everyone figured that the Hulk got angry cause someone was acting like a dick, and that was good enough of a reason to cheer him on and watch him pick up and throw yet another car!  Well, that and Lou Ferrigno was a big guy and you’d be dumb to ask for one of his green ass kickings. So let’s go over what Hulk Occupier is angry about:

  • ILLEGAL FORECLOSURE PROCESSES BAD!! MAKE HULK HOMELESS AND ANGRY!!!
  • HULK WANT SMASH GOLDEN PARACHUTES OF WALL STREET FAT CATS!!! ARRGGGGHH!
  • DISCRIMINATION IN WORKPLACE AGAINST PEOPLE OF COLOR & STUFF MAKE HULK TURN GREEN AND SMASH!!!
  • HULK HATE TERMINATOR SEED! HULK LIKE ORGANIC FOOD! MONSANTO SMASH!
  • HULK GO NAKED INSTEAD OF WEAR FUR!!! HULK ALWAYS GO NAKED!!!
  • HULK WANT TO NEGOTIATE FOR BETTER AND SAFE WORKING CONDITIONS BUT CAN’T!!!! MUST THROW SOMETHING!!!
  • HULK LIKE EDUCATION BUT DON’T LIKE BIG DEBT TO GET IT!  *PUNCH THROUGH WALL*

ooo… Hulk get tired saying why angry…

  • HULK WORK OUTSOURCED SO HULK GET PAID LESS?!!! *HULK THROW EXECUTIVE OUT PENTHOUSE WINDOW*
  • CORPORATIONS NO RIGHTS LIKE HULK!!!! HULK WANT CHANGE!!!!
  • HULK NO LIKE LAWYERS AND PEOPLE WHO NO MAKE CONTRACTS FOR HEALTH INSURANCE FOR HULK!!!
  • WHAT?!!!! HULK NO HAVE PRIVACY?!!! HULK SMAAAAASSSSSHHHHH!!!!
  • ACCELERATOR ON HULK’S PRIUS MAKE HULK’S PRIUS GO SMASH AND MAKE HULK WANT TO SMASH!!!
  • HULK NO LIKE YOUR IDEA FOR ECONOMIC POLICY!!! PAUL KRUGMAN KNOW BETTER!!!
  • *HULK BEAT CHEST AND THROW CORPORATION DONATING MONEY TO POLITICIAN DOWN A DITCH*
  • HULK NO WANT OIL!!! HULK WANT SOMETHING ELSE!!! HULK WANT FUEL CELLS NOW!!!!
  • HULK FRIEND DR. BANNER LIKE GENERIC MEDICINE BUT NO CAN GET?!!!  ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!
  • HULK NO LIKE PEOPLE WHO LIKE PROFIT NOT PEOPLE!!!!
  • SMASH!!!
  • HULK LIKE TV!!! HULK WANT NET NEUTRALITY NOW!!!  HULK NO LIKE CHANGES IN NETFLIX!!!
  • NO ONE NEED MURDER PRISONERS!!! IF HULK NO KILL NO ONE DOES!!!
  • HULK NO KNOW WHAT COLONIALISM IS!!! HULK ‘NO LIKE’ ON FACEBOOK!!!
  • HULK ONLY WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!! HULK BREAK ALL OTHER WEAPONS!!! *Run away in slow motion*

Hulk done talking now. HULK INTERVIEW OVER!!! SMASH!!! PUNCH!!! BREAK!!!

HULK NO CONDONE VIOLENCE!!! ARRRRGGGGGHHH!!!

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DIY Artist’s Retreat

I usually like to comment on social and political goings on, but instead this week I figured I’d just make everyone jealous. Isn’t that what being an artist is all about? Oh those artists with their extravagant bohemian lifestyles throwing caution to the wind, indulging in their need to express themselves. Yeah, that’s me this week and you know what? It’s awesome!!!!!

A month ago I finally decided to be the artist I am and without any government funding, eccentric rich friends with remote cabins in picturesque environs, or overseas citizenship (Say BBC? Any new television shows for us to remake this year?), I did what any red-blooded American artist would do – I took unpaid time off from my part-time jobs and made my own writer’s retreat by getting a cheap ticket to Denver and crashing out at a friend’s place.

It still blows me away that I did it, but I’m so happy to say that I’m currently in Colorado workshopping my one woman show with Denver theater director and actor Mare Trevathan. In case you don’t know, workshopping is an intensive working, rehearsing and revising of a script to get it closer to its final draft. In emotional artistic terms it’s like waking up every day to Debbie Allen from FAME:

“You’ve got big dreams, you want fame, well fame costs and right here is where you start paying… in sweat.”

Except I’m not sweating. It’s Denver in October and it’s f’ing beautiful! I get up early, run so I can clear my brain, shower, rewrite using yesterday’s notes then it’s off to the Denver Theater Center’s rehearsal rooms where Mare and I read over the script, try out some staging, rearrange wording and then laugh our asses off at our brilliant ideas. After all, brilliant is what all artists think their ideas are. And like any fantastic artistic retreat there’s also been wine, unexpected performances by fellow artists, and fabulous philosophical discussions. Mare read written work with members of the Colorado Chamber Players playing Dvořák’s music beside her on my first day here. How thrilling?! And in an art gallery! How apropos! Then with the music still fresh in my mind and inspiring the new direction of my work, we made our way to The Kitchen in Boulder where we partook as true Bon Vivants in their late night happy hour. C’est cheap? C’est bon.

Still, what I’ve enjoyed most and in all seriousness I can’t explain with enough words or with enough emotion, is how truly incredible it’s been to be able to get away and approach my work with clean perspective and without daily duties getting in the way. I used to give my old roommate Don Hamersley a bit of hell and call him lazy when he’d tell me he would be able to finish his screenplays if he could just get away to write. “Write. Don’t talk,” I’d cheer all around the apartment to encourage him to finish his work. Now if someone told me that I’d say do it! Get the hell out of town! If you can’t wait five to six months for some non-profit to hopefully choose you and your work to support and hook you up with an established artist’s retreat then get a cheap ticket, find a friend who can let you stay at their place to work, and find someone (a third eye or guide) who is willing to do the work with you and give yourself a much needed creative retreat. In other words… MORE WINE!!!!

Mare Trevathan helping figure out the order of Rene Parker's show I WANT A BABY?

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