Looking back at one of my blog posts from last year about the Republican Party’s presidential candidates, I was surprised to find that a woman’s instincts can be scarily right on.

Parker Platform

One thing I miss about being single is getting to overanalyze men. It’s fun dreaming up all the different ways a man is secretly in love with you: he hasn’t called since your last date because he’s scared he’s in love with you, he walks down the same street to get to his apartment next to yours because he’s in love with you, he broke up with you because his love for you made him want to work out his issues with another woman that doesn’t mean as much to him as you do.

Some books are trying to convince us to stop using overanalysis because according to them it’s easy to decipher a man’s actions. Oh really? Well then why did the OJ trial last nine months? I say to the single ladies, “He is that into you,” but you’ll only know it if you practice overanalysis…

View original post 1,205 more words

Politicians Are After Just One Thing

Ladies and minorities–sit back and enjoy the love. We’re on week two of that special election time when both parties go out of their way to attract us by flaunting representatives that best mirror us (at least in theory). This year’s conventions have paraded women galore in sharp smart suits, a mix of minorities at the podium–Asians, Blacks, Indians, and the RNC even threw up a Cuban who doesn’t look Cuban just like me!  All of this “Me Too’ing” is really exciting and makes it hard for a girl not to feel special. So special that I’m suddenly wanting to stick around, imagine a future together, and for now even…oh wait…is this a one night stand? Dammit! Ladies and minorities, we’re f**ked.

The signs were so clear, why didn’t I see them before: a sudden interest in us delivered with extreme focused passion followed by an unrealistic slew of promises and dreams too early to bring up at this stage in courting. Yep, looks like the Republicans and Democrats just want us for one thing–our votes. Once they get it, they’ll forget about us once again. Maybe they’ll throw a little, “Hi, how ya doin,” through a coffee with your congressman invite so it’s not too awkward; or ring us up late at night when a state proposition they support needs passing; and some may just pass us over to a friend thinking that we’ll be willing to give up our vote again so easily to whoever they pass along. Face it, we’re not the types they want to take home to Washington. They prefer someone who already looks like the people they came from and with the same upbringing. It’s hard to compete with corporations who flaunt their lobbies, or old money big whigs with so much power that Republicans and Democrats can’t help but stick to them for the sake of their own futures.

Then what’s a girl to do when a real smooth talker is only available for right now? Some have suggested that we vote for neither party since both are clearly just pandering to get in our voter pants. But then again, sometimes you never know.  A friend of a friend of mine ended up marrying a guy who started out as a one night stand and they’ve been in love ever since. Then again sometimes a one-off is all a girl wants and it’s great to be swept up in the excitement of the moment. Why not give up a vote with some enthusiasm even if everything you want to believe in is just for right now?!

So before goin’ for it and jumpin’ in the sack with either candidate, just take a moment to consider the consequences. Whoever you choose you’ll have to wake up to on November 7. Who’s the better morning after? I’ve happily made my choice and expect little in return.

NOTE: This week I wrote for scallywagmagazine.com (link is below) and next week I’ll be taking off from writing a new blog piece, but will post from the archives until I come back the week after. Thanks for tuning in!

Related articles

• Why Political Conventions Are The Worst Concerts Ever (scallywagmagazine.com)
  

Gingrich Believes in The Secret

Thank God it’s over–Gingrich finally bowed out of the presidential race. I don’t think I could have handled it much longer. Every time Newt Gingrich declared himself the clear frontrunner during the republican primary, who didn’t think, “Dude, he’s crazy!” It was like watching a pathological liar get caught stealing a cookie but swear he’s never seen a cookie in his whole life while holding the stolen cookie in his hand. I even started feeling bad for Newt whenever he’d say Mitt Romney couldn’t win an election. Maybe he had gone numb from the number of times Romney’s boot kicked him in every state?  And not just Mitt Romney, he even got beat out by Rick Santorum! But did that stop our Newt bomb from going off? No it did not. At first I thought that maybe this crazy talk of winning had something to do with Newt’s infamously massive ego, but then I started wondering: What if he didn’t believe that he was winning? What if he just said that so he wouldn’t lose? That’s when I realized–Gingrich isn’t crazy, he’s an artist!

If you’ve known any actors, writers, artists or musicians, you’ve probably seen a bit of Newt in them. For years they don’t get a gig, yet when asked how things are going in their careers they reply with a simple and upbeat, “Great.” Now if you ask those same friends for details they may divulge some of the ugly truth, but in the impossible world of professional artists, they can never let you in on all their insecurities, because if they do, they will fail.

This is due in small part to the mythos of The Secret. According to The Secret what you say will in turn manifest itself. It seems that thanks to the power of imagination and vocabulary, we all possess the power to create or destroy our own futures. So if for instance, you’re a Debbie Downer and you complain about never making it, well guess what? The reason you’re miserable and not making it is because you keep saying you’re not making it. Knowing that kind of weight is on an artist’s shoulders, do you believe any of them could ever admit to failing? Even if one of them doesn’t believe in The Secret, the rest of them do (or at least pretend they do just in case); so non-believers still have to play the confidence game so they don’t get written off by possible job creators. It’s like the butterfly effect. Let’s say you’re an actor and you’re really depressed and say, “Yeah I haven’t scored a gig in 2 years, and my agent’s about to drop me, and hell I can’t even work on a student film, what’s wrong with me?” The person that hears this will respond with a look of disgust at having come so dangerously close to a living breathing failure. The scent from your listener’s twisted face (oh yes, bad faces do emit smells) transmits negative signals to prospective fans of yours that causes them to hate your face, which in turn vibrates to managers, agents and casting directors, so by the time you show up to their offices, a sort of gag reflex takes over the manager, agent and casting director and you are instantly shut out before you can even begin your career. Simply put, if you let anyone know you’re failing then you won’t get any support because people like to help those with a chance of success, and that chance is best calculated by how successful those people already are.

Well how is that really considered helping if you’re not supporting a person in need? It’s not helping, it’s betting on a winner. Face it, if people are going to invest their time or money on anything, they want to make sure it’s going to succeed. But if you’re not the winner, then what can you do to get the help you so desperately need? Don’t tell anyone you’re a loser and market yourself as the underdog–the one with the right stuff that nobody had the brains and foresight to see except for your loyal fans. So basically you’re still selling yourself as a winner, but a more nuanced one.

This is the lesson that Newt missed out on. He stuck so closely to The Secret that he forgot to change his plan of attack. As a result, Newt put his campaign to rest leaving thousands of Secret believers shocked to discover that Newt has no verbal powers to change the minds of voters or the results of the Republican primary. Still the ever-winning and Secret-following Newt made sure he did not step down a loser. He chose hopeful words during his goodbye speech and to the universe coined himself, “An active citizen,” because active doers make winning happen.

Newt Gingrich and Shep Smith of Fox

Related articles

• WATCH: Newt Gingrich Suspends His Presidential Campaign (foxnewsinsider.com)
• Video: Is Newt Gingrich calling Mitt Romney a liar? (examiner.com)
• It’s Official: Newt Gingrich Bows Out (npr.org)

Is Mitt Romney’s Flip-Flopping All That Bad?

Talk has already begun about Mitt Romney being a flip-flopper–which in the world of Republicans is a big no-no. After all, you have to have conviction as a leader and stand by what you think at this particular moment for the rest of your life. Forget change or growth, that’s for weaklings. The first time I learned that going back and forth on an issue was a bad thing was during the presidential debates between George W. Bush and John Kerry in 2004. President Bush repeated the term against Kerry so many times that viewers finally got the message that flip-flopping must not be tolerated.

As a flip-flopper myself who never seems to know what to order when she sits down at a restaurant, I couldn’t understand what’s so wrong about it. I mean, shouldn’t we all weigh the good and the bad of eating a House Salad over a Veggie Club Sandwich with Fries? Sure the sandwich is what I said I wanted, but suddenly the ingredients for the two dishes make me think of my waistline, and I see the price for the two items and I don’t have a job so why shouldn’t I be able to change my mind to make the better decision? Well as long as you change it for yourself and not for the sake of different people. Are you kidding me?! That’s part of the decision-making process too! If I’m on a date with my husband, it’s a salad (husband or no, a date’s a date). If I’m with girlfriends that are super depressed for no reason, I better order that sandwich with fries or I’ll be ostracized. But no, if I was a Republican, I would have to uphold my convictions and  get that fattening overpriced sandwich I said I wanted from the get-go, and stick to what I want and who I am!

Come to think of it, there’s something kind of freeing about that. To just know what you like and do it no matter what. Perhaps life would be simpler and easier to manage. See I’m flip-flopping right now! It just seems impossible not to do it since flip-flopping is the result of these evil little things in life called “Options.” They come at you the minute you step out into the world. In fact, the last time I had such strong convictions and clear manner of thinking was when I was a kid; I was stuck at home and my parents told me what I thought and why. Their reasoning made lots of sense until I met other people  with different ideas. Since then I began living as an incessant flip-flopper. If Republicans are going to keep bashing candidates for changing their minds due to options that come before them, then perhaps their only recourse will be to find a man-child who never left home and has never changed his mind.

This dreamboat of a Republican candidate would be easy to understand. He would have no problem yelling out that he loves war. Playing it is just so much fun! You get to engage in strategy, move little green men in place and decide who gets shot and killed. You also get to choose who are the good guys (with God on their side) and who are the bad guys. Everything black and white, no room for gray; that would mean taking time to know people who are clearly your enemies and therefore too evil to understand. Must hate! But no worries, morals would stay in high regard as this presidential hopeful would mandate that everything be G-rated since kids shows are way more fun to watch and don’t have all that kissing and stuff. Euw!!! Have a problem with any of this? Well too bad. This grown-up child candidate would not like to be told what to do. Hey stupid hippie liberals–you’re not my mom! He wants to be able to set up oil pipelines where he wants and be friends with people who are against regulations on emissions, labor or anything.  But the number one selling point of this candidate amongst many conservative Americans would be his eagerness to kill any public healthcare legislation that would be brought before him because… kids hate sharing. Boy, kids are cute aren’t they?

Related articles

• Mitt Romney: Flip-flopper or not? (washingtonpost.com)
• Flip-floppers unite: Jim DeMint ‘excited’ by Mitt Romney’s candidacy (dailykos.com)

The Art of Overanalysis GOP Edition

One thing I miss about being single is getting to overanalyze men. It’s fun dreaming up all the different ways a man is secretly in love with you: he hasn’t called since your last date because he’s scared he’s in love with you, he walks down the same street to get to his apartment next to yours because he’s in love with you, he broke up with you because his love for you made him want to work out his issues with another woman that doesn’t mean as much to him as you do.

Some books are trying to convince us to stop using overanalysis because according to them it’s easy to decipher a man’s actions. Oh really? Well then why did the OJ trial last nine months? I say to the single ladies, “He is that into you,” but you’ll only know it if you practice overanalysis regularly in female company with wine or hot tea. But how about women in relationships, how do we keep this blade sharp? By dissecting the only men out there still pursuing us: Politicians.

To practice, let’s take a look at the current hunters and gatherers seeking the GOP nomination. Since overanalysis takes hours of discussion, let’s use today’s blog to go over step one – you and me girl, we’re talking first impressions! Be totally superficial. There are a lot of guys interested in you so we need to know who’s really worth discussing. And trust me, if you want him then he wants you.
Declared 2012 Republican Presidential Candidates in Alphabetical Order

Michele Bachmann
U.S. Representative from Minnesota

With a name like that he’s gotta be French. That’s great cause French guys are usually into girls like us that are not traditional American beauties. But Michele’s kind of a funny lookin’ dude. A little too pretty, boyish fem. Like he doesn’t want to grow up or he’s just really young and doesn’t know anything.

Herman Cain
Businessman, Politician & Media

He looks kinda old so you have to decide if you still like that. You know when you’re young you’re into older guys, then after a certain age the tables turn and you become the old person into the young kid? I think I’m almost hitting that point. Also those glasses scream, I’m really into numbers and you’re gonna have to pay for your own meal. INTIMACY ALERT!

Newt Gingrich
Former Speaker of the House

Super dirty old man.  Jovial soft looking guys creep me out, especially when they sound too straight and narrow. That’s a sure sign there’s some super dirty dirt-like hookers and blow kind of dirt. He’ll pursue you ‘cause you’re wholesome; something he needs to satisfy his desire for unconditional mommy love. But don’t fall for this type again! Jerks in sheep’s clothing always use you, dump you and then leave you at a friend’s place to cry.

Jon Huntsman
Former Governor of Utah and Ambassador to China

He’s a little chipmunky but I love that his name is both manly and ketchup. I get the feeling he’s known some serious fuckups back when he had a band and didn’t know what he wanted to do with his life. He probably got into politics ’cause he figured it’d be a good time. Hell, he was an ambassador! Elegant party right here! He may have good intentions but may be scared to be with you cause he might not be ready to settle.

Gary Johnson
Former Governor of New Mexico

Gary needs a new haircut. He seems timid, like he kind of likes you but wants you to like him more. After trying to get you to like him he’ll probably get really pissed off when you like someone else. This type complains that girls only like jerks, but his only friends are those jerks.

Fred Karger
Political Consultant & Gay Rights Activist

Why hello. He looks kinda tall. So cute! Oh wait, he’s gay? Damn. Should have known. Oh well. Next!

Andy Martin
Self-Professed People’s Attorney General & Internet Powerhouse

He looks like he got away with something. His tie is twisted which can be adorable, but did you hear what he did? He started rumors about another guy’s birth certificate. Are you kidding me? A 66 year old man starting rumors! He’ll probably seem really fun and sweet at first, but when you dump him he’s gonna tell everyone how much of a bitch you are. Stay away from this smiling menace!

Jimmy McMillan
Former Mayoral, Gubernatorial & Senatorial Candidate for the Rent Is Too Damn High Party

Look at his look! So cool.  Plus he’s so angry. This hipster obviously knows what attitude compliments his wardrobe. If you go for him he’s gonna want you to be 500% committed cause that’s how he is with his politics, his art, his everything. It’s his way or no way. I don’t know if any of us are ready for that kind of commitment.

Tom Miller
Career Flight Attendant

I know I’m not supposed to look at what these guys do, but come on. If a guy puts it all out there you’re gonna look. His boring awkward look screams safe bet, but he’s a flight attendant so we all know what that means: Flight Attendant = Slut. He could be one of the few monogamous ones, but seriously, do you want to go through the whole dating process with that on your mind?

Ron Paul
Representative from the State of Texas

He likes them young and you’re good with it cause you like them older so he can teach you things. And he seems really cool; you just wish he’d hang out with more people his own age instead of those beautiful hippie girls he’s friends with at the Indian Buffet restaurant near campus. Guys like Ron love strong independent women and are cool with them doing whatever as long as they’re cool with him doing whatever. Kind of dreamy, but he can’t commit. He’ll inevitably dump you for a younger student.

Rick Perry
Current Governor of Texas

Oh yeah, he seems fun! Don’t know if he has much to offer though. Like he’s gonna be into you but then you’ll realize he can’t offer you everything you deserve. Not saying you won’t get it on great, but after awhile you’ll finally dump him and move on to someone that’s right for you. Cool thing is he’ll be so happy for you he’ll probably go to your wedding and be the first to congratulate you.

Buddy Roemer
Former Governor of Louisiana

Not a good time. Seriously? He was the Governor of Louisiana and still looks like this! You can do so much better.

Mitt Romney
Former Governor of Massachusetts

So handsome. You sure he’s not a flight attendant? Guys like this are actually the easiest to get. Known fact, cute boys fall for women that talk to them like a normal person. Just pretend you’re not into him for his looks only and hear him out. Who knows he might be okay. Thing is though, he’s got that east coast handsome thing going on which means he could seem fun and up for all types now but would never take you home to mom. This guy will end up with a conservative traditional type his dad and sailing buddies would be proud of.

Rick Santorum
Former US Senator from Pennsylvania

Okay if you need to get your Ryan Reynolds fantasy going then fine, but you’ll regret it later and be super ashamed. He seems cute, but he’s that weird late developed cute-like he was the ugly kid that turned better looking in college so he’s gonna be sort of cheesy and you’ll be stuck pretending to smile and laugh through a lot of his awkward jokes.

Vern Wuensche
Businessman

Vern’s okay, but he’s gonna spend tons of time explaining how to pronounce his last name. He’ll be super appreciative that you took the time to get his name right ‘cause nobody else takes the time to listen. Then he’ll go on and on about himself and well, you know what? Forget it.