I love being married–it’s a blast! You basically get to play house everyday and get some while you’re at it. In theory, you are guaranteed as much lovin’ as you want any day you want, as opposed to when you’re single, you have to go out and hope someone wants you as much as you want them. Why do you think the gay community has been fighting to get legally married for years? Marriage is totally underrated by the straights. Which is maybe why there’s been a recent slew of married friends of mine wanting to file for divorce. These halves that are complaining about being married have obviously forgotten what it’s like to be single. Here’s a reminder:
As you can see by these photos from my single days, my friends and I look miserable (well except for my roommate in the background who always showed up when we were depressed so he could get a good laugh and my friend on the right who couldn’t help but pose in photos–but trust me, she was sad before the camera came out). Oh but you ladies must have been having a wild time, free from any burdens, could do whatever you want! Yeah we had all that and as a result we met guys we liked and as you can see, we all got dumped. What people forget and take for granted after they score in the love category is that being single means getting rejected over and over and over again. Not that it can’t happen when you get married, but at least divorces happen less frequently than general dating breakups. Plus, heartaches caused by divorce receive greater sympathy and give you permission to cry for years. Do you really think that Ms. Thing Under a Torn Poster of Madonna there would get that after being dumped by someone she dated for three days? No.
I’m bringing this all up in hopes of changing some minds of friends who have considered going single again. Should you quit your marriage, consider the following:
1. Countless hours you’ll inevitably have to spend coming up with embarrassing adjectives to describe yourself on every matchmaking site out there.
2. You’ve heard it before, but it’s true… The loads of money you’ll spend on meeting people at bars and restaurants.
3. Energy you’ll need to muster when meeting the friends and family of a new love.
Ugh! Having to make nice with a whole new set of people? What’s so sexy and exciting about that? Isn’t that a distraction to the exciting sexy time you could have with the person you already have and are contracted to enjoy?! Yeah but I’ve been with the same person for 20 years, shouldn’t I get to try someone new? See! If you remembered the single life correctly, out of the many people you may or may not date (single does not always equal desired), at least 80% of them are gonna be the same type of person anyway, just with a different name and birth place. I’m sorry to report, our tastes are not that adventurous. Don’t believe me? How many new foods, activities, or places do you try out each week? If you are like anyone else I know, you may want to consider divorcing yourself now too.
So stick to what you have. Ignore your need to sleep with someone else and find some new moves or fantasize; don’t ask your other half if you can see other people then get angry and feel he doesn’t love you when he lets you do it; and if you think your love is like a light switch that turned off, well flip it back on. Don’t be the Serena Williams of long-term relationships to friends who are still on the prowl; be grateful for what you have. After all, if you thought this marriage was such a good idea that you asked your friends and family to spend money and vacation time to celebrate it, shouldn’t it be something worth really trying to make fun? Marriage is not like the pledge you make over a toilet seat when you swear you will never drink again or the gym membership you sign when you get entranced by your New Year’s resolutions. You can’t quit it when you no longer feel like doing it, because what’s the alternative? See above.