Tag Archives: United States

My Dad Spams

Everybody loves spam–especially my dad during election season. Lucky for me, when politics ramp up, so do the number of emails educating me on what the other side thinks with attention grabbing subject lines such as:

  • Let’s wake u7p people!  The hour is late…
  • FOR MORE INFORMATION ON THE SUPPORT MARRIAGE THROUGH BACKING UP CHICK A FILLET
  • CONSERVATISM IS CALLING
  • FW: Wow! Sept 28
  • ChurchMilitant.TV – Catholics are born for combat Sept 18

As much as these headings bring hope for a balanced discussion, they’re missing the Spam World’s #1 clickability factor: sex. According to a 2006 NY Times article, if it’s porn and sex you’re selling you can get a click rate of 5.6%, otherwise the chances are less than .0075%. Unfortunately for me, this year’s candidates are much too faithful to their wives to cause a good old-fashioned sex scandal, so instead I get links that use other attention grabbing methods such as headings in all caps that let me know the end of the world is near. That made me click! And it’s a good thing I did. If it wasn’t for spam, I would never have known that I am causing the coming American apocalypse.

Before my dad’s emails, I thought Republicans and Tea Party people were for smaller government and no taxes, but according to the sites that get forwarded, they’re preparing for CIVIL WAR II—A VENGEFUL STATE against their sworn enemy the menacing Democrats. It’s a wonder that my dad was willing to take the risk he took to disclose how much conservatives know about the liberals’ numerous plots to bring down this country’s freedoms. I guess my dad found it necessary to let me know just how evil I was in case there was still time I could turn myself around. Little does he know that like zombies, once bitten and infected with liberal ideology, YOU CAN’T GO BACK! No wonder the right-wing hate liberals like myself so much. We are destroying America! For years, we have been brainwashed to believe that countries self-destruct because of war, famine, and brutal dictatorships, but little did we know that it’s support for universal healthcare, gay marriage and gun control that makes the cookie crumble. All hail Satan!

Now, I get it.  During election season if you don’t absolutely hate the other side and believe they are conspiring against you, how else can you inspire anyone to vote?  It’s boring to imagine that people choose leaders according to who they think will better serve our country; we all watch enough movies to know decisions are much more exciting when time is running out and everything is a matter of life and death. That’s why it’s not just conservatives that sound like crazy hermits holed up in a mountain awaiting the end of days, democrats are apt to see conspiracies everywhere too [I haven’t supplied examples of the left’s cautionary spam sent to me because the only spammer friend I have is my Dad, and political spammers are always one-sided]. One of the more popular conspiracies both sides share is that the opponent is always trying to win voters over by instilling fear through their campaign messages. And it’s true, both parties are trying to instill fear in the general public, and if you don’t know this is happening within both camps, you have no right to vote. You’re missing out on all the fun of politics, the chess of politics, more importantly, you’re missing out on the best subplot to this live action thriller–everyone believes they know that they are being manipulated because someone is manipulating them to think that they are.

So good for you spam! Without you, this 2012 Election season would not have been half so thrilling for my dad and I. Thanks for adding to our country’s and my family’s divisiveness by sharing with us in your subtle way who’s good and who’s bad. The choice is clear–just check your spam box.

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I’m Sexy Damn It!

I miss trying to be sexy; those hours of putting on loads of makeup and uncomfortably tight clothes just to try to look as hot as I wish I was. There’s no point in trying anymore. It would just be wasted on my body for the next six weeks because I am just so damn cute right now. Absolutely adorable. With my large round pregnant belly on my short frame, I am just a precious little kangaroo roaming the planet. And if I have to hear another person tell me just how cute I am, I am going to slap them right in the face. Don’t get me wrong, getting the “Oh You’re So Adorable” face is a million times better than the dreaded “OMG You’re Deformed” look I get from a stranger or two daily, but still, neither of them are what I want to be seen as. After all, I’m a woman and Latina—I can’t be cute, I have to be sexy.

It baffles me how a woman can be Latina and pregnant at the same time. You’d think God would know better. Sure everyone thinks the genes from my part of the world are built for maximum baby production, but socially we are the least programmed for it. From a young age we learn that we must develop into bare all clothing to look good at all times. Even if you’re a hipster that works ugly clothes that only a pretty girl can wear, if you’re Latina, you’ll be the one hipster who can’t help but show off her hot legs and butt. That’s because for us there is no excuse to not be sexy in some way at all times. And don’t think having babies or being old is considered a ticket out; unless you’re laying in that inevitable sexless coffin down the road, if you’re Latina, you must always find a way to make sure some form of hot damn is emanating from you. I’m not a stereotypical Latina and even I feel the pressure to work it. That’s because somewhere deep down we believe that if you are not showing off some skin or skin-tight clothing at some point in the day, then you have failed as a woman.

But what can I do? I can’t even wear the right shoes now! Sexy shoes are high, high heels, hands down. Guess what heels do to pregnant women? Give them swollen feet and ankles. Not sexy. But what other option is there? Wear comfortable sensible shoes? I am conditioned to make men want to salivate not to want hot cocoa before taking me home to meet his mom and dad. And Latina lesbians, you’re not off the hook either. You know if you’re on the femme side, then you still have to use straight men’s taste as your bench mark. This sexy ideal best suited for a fit slim body will not quit!

Oh but enjoy your pregnant body. It’s so sweet to see you with your little round belly!  Truebut it doesn’t make me fuckable. And face it, that’s what we’re talking about here. Thank God my pregnant shape hasn’t stopped my husband’s desire to jump me, but out in the world you can’t help but value yourself just a bit by how desirable you are to the masses. And right now—only one company will hire me. This kind of insecurity is what you’d expect to find in a college student not a married woman in her 30’s. But guess what? I’m a human being—I will always want to know I am attractive to people in some way or other. Wait, no…take that back. I want to know that I am seen as sexy to people, not in a cute sexy kangaroo way, but in a plain old down and dirty sexy way.

So is there anything a Latina can do to survive pregnancy? Well lucky for us there is one styling solution the majority of us can work, and that is to play the ethnic card. Elegance and femininity after all are better expressed in the fashions of other cultures than in the States. Pregnancy and American sporty do not fly, but pregnancy and old world elegance can tip the scales in your favor. It’s the earth mother look that best suits soft round shapes. Those bohemian layered flowy clothes say, “I got pregnant because I am such a strong virile woman that a man and I fucked the hell out of each other and I am proud to display the results of all of that hot sex… that I am still getting…that I know you want…because you want me to have your baby too…because I still look that damn hot in spite of the most adorable cutesy wootsy widdle round belly a precious little kangaroo could ever have!”

I can’t wait to have my body back.

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Drunk LA Girl Reviews This Year’s Debates

For the past few weeks I have been writing in character as Drunk LA Girl–the political correspondent for Scallywag Magazine. The article listed below is reprinted from today’s scallywagmagazine.com online post. Right away you will see that she is not pregnant.

PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE #2 AND I DON’T WANT TO SNUGGLE-by Drunk LA Girl

So I’m on vacation with this guy I’ve been going out with from work for a few weeks. He wanted to impress me so he got us a place in Carmel ‘cause he kept saying how beautiful Big Sur is and that I’d really like it. Ugh.

Does this look like a place you’d want to watch a debate?

Anyway, in Clint Eastwoodland where breakfast does not come with senior discounts or credit card machines to pay for it, I heard a bunch of retired old rich people talking about their money and the debates. What the fuck? Old people have money?

Knowing my luck with these stupid debates I called around to see if any bars were going to be playing this one. Good news! Nobody gives a shit about our elections because they care more about sports! So I invited Mathew for a drink that night at a British Pub that only plays soccer but Mathew said he wanted to order in a bottle of champagne and snuggle. I should have known better the second he said, “Snuggle,” but I just kept hoping he was being ironic.

Anyway, we get back to the hotel room, he brings out a really nice bottle of something French and bubbly and puts on the TV. For a second I thought we were gonna watch Breaking Amish, which is great ‘cause I missed the last two episodes, but then he changed the channel and put, I am not fucking kidding you, the debates. He must have noticed how not happy I was ‘cause he asked me if I was into politics. I’m like, “Duh! You’re hot! Why the hell would I ever tell you the truth?!”

So I lied and said, “Yeah,” but that I have to get wasted first. So I laid there in a big fluffy bed with this big handsome dumbass, who it turns out was not being ironic about snuggling and watched the debates… AGAIN!

Mama said knock you out

Sure enough it wasn’t even the smiley old guy from the last debate, it was the same two guys from the first boring debate! This time though they weren’t at teacher podiums, instead some lazy set decorator with no budget just gave them two chairs to sit on. But I guess somebody told them they couldn’t sit on the chairs for too long though ‘cause the two guys couldn’t stay in them for anything.

It’s like, if you have a chair, use it! One thing’s for sure, even though they’d get up all the time, neither of them wanted to lose their seats ‘cause they’d talk and go right back to them after making some statement or promise to some random person with nothing better to do than to ask questions.

It was dumb too, ‘cause you could tell nobody believed either of the guys when they answered. But why should they? Their answers were just as pointless as the questions. Almost everything asked had nothing to do with the presidency. How is the president gonna help with the economy? How is the president gonna help with women getting better pay? How is the president gonna help me find a job without a boss I hate? It’s not a dictatorship, stupid undecideds! The president has to work with other people in Congress and business owners who suck.

Correction: Undecided voters really chosen from extras casting rejects from Walking Dead except for the hot chick with the mic

And who chose these undecideds? Commercials cast good-looking people to represent everyday Americans, why do debates cast ugly people? ‘Cause frumpy people who don’t wear fun colors or interesting outfits are more believable? Fine then– everyone I know is a liar!

I don’t know anyone as drab and tired looking as the group they picked up from an IHOP after a Boring Stiffs Who Do Something Nobody Cares About convention. If this is what politicians think of Americans then I don’t want to vote for anybody.

And the moderator? Seriously, she needed to see how the lady last week did it. I hate passive aggressive people. This Candy lady just nervously giggled her way through every interruption.

And don’t think telling guys, “I need you to stop,” and then letting them keep talking is gonna work. You’re bigger than them and you’re the moderator! The woman from last week’s debate wouldn’t have let them keep talking while walking in circles. She would have said, “Bitch Romney… Bitch Obama… shut up!” And Candy, those overworked ringlets did not help your case. But I do like your hair color.

Seasoned political reporter Candy Crowley obviously chosen from the Likes to Drink with Secret Service binder

Oh and then Romney has a five point plan ’cause it’s easy for people like me to remember since I always have five fingers on each hand no matter how drunk I get. Thing is I don’t remember what those five points were. What I do know is that Romney likes to cut taxes a lot. You know why? ‘Cause he’s Republican.

That’s how they solve everything. They love talking about taxes and the Reagan years—like they were so good. Does nobody remember the late 80’s?! I was a kid, cartoons sucked and I still remember they were the shitty years that led to the really shitty years of the early 90’s.

And then Romney tried accusing Obama of not being a supporter of gas and coal, like those two things are soooo great or have anything to do with each other. But then Obama would say, “Nuh-uh. That’s not true.” And Romney would say, “Uh-huh, it is.” And then Obama told everyone that it’s Romney who never liked coal. And I’m like, who gives a shit about coal?!

Isn’t there a reason we have to suffer through Earth Day every year with my roommate running around turning off ALL our lights?! Then they just talked shit about each other and let everyone know that China must be a great place to invest in since both of them do. I wanna be part of the one percent that invests in China. Too bad I like eating at McCormick & Schmick’s after work so I can’t starve myself enough to marry a prince or get past my stupid team lead to take over a VP post.

Oh wait, but I’m a woman, so the two debaters had to let me know that if I vote for one of them I’ll make tons of money like the hot loser guy I was stuck snuggling with. Gross.

Honey Boo Boo endorses Obama and free birth control. “Ain’t all free stuff good?”

Obama kept saying that if women get free birth control or child care they’d make more money but that’s dumb, ‘cause I already use cheap birth control and don’t have kids and I’m still not making enough to live on my own.

And then Romney said something about finding qualified men but no women to work on his team so he had to make up qualifications so his staff could find a way to get some women in a binder.

Well then, stick me in a binder, pretend I’m qualified the same way guys pretend their friends are qualified and get me a real job!

Anyway, my favorite part was when the two guys almost got into a fight. They got close enough to punch or kiss each other but nobody was drunk enough to make the first move. BORING. It probably didn’t help that Obama’s taller and younger than Romney so Romney was smart and went back to his stupid chair. I really hated those chairs.

Worst part of the debate though was afterwards when some woman on ABC whined about Romney not getting as much time as Obama and that she thought it was obvious that nervous-face Candy was letting Obama take over.

REALLY?! I hate when women totally make up something totally fake just ‘cause they can’t handle the fact that they didn’t get what they want. You know what? Sometimes people fail ‘cause they fail. When everyone said Obama failed last time did you, whiney woman on ABC, say, oh man, Obama wasn’t treated the same as Romney.

This is what I call “Snuggling”

No—because you don’t give a shit. You and every other whiner out there are like my friend Christina who whenever a guy broke up with her, would blame it on the guy not being ready to commit even though the guys would tell her it was because she was super self-centered and didn’t know how to have fun.

It’s women like Christina and every other whiney Republican who can’t face the fact that Romney didn’t beat Obama this time around that should have been in that lame crowd of questioners at the debate.

By the time the debate ended, I finished the bottle of champagne and pulled out my own box of wine from my suitcase. It shocked Mathew to see it but you know what? I can only lie about myself for so long.

And you know what else Mathew?

I hate snuggling. It’s over!

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BABY SHOWERS ~ Where Women Become Babies

Friends and family have been waiting for years to see me act like an adult, so why as I’m about to have a baby and embark on the most grown up thing I’ll ever do, am I suddenly expected to celebrate like a little girl? Because it’s baby shower time ladies and gentlemen–the rite of passage that follows drunken bachelorette parties and sober marriages.

If you think women have come a long way, try suggesting to your friends options for baby showers other than the norm. I don’t like baby showers and nobody I know likes baby showers, except for the women who put them on and get a sick thrill from seeing their pregnant friends suffer. So my plan for my baby party was one last round of adult time set for a Saturday night with drinks, dancing, friends of both sexes, no games and no gift opening hour. But it turns out my instincts were wrong. A few months before my due date I learned that to have a baby a woman must become one.

According to American tradition, pregnant women are supposed to turn eight, play games, eat cupcakes topped with plastic toys and open gifts before the sun goes down as a way to prepare themselves for what lies ahead. To fully immerse yourself back into childhood, your baby shower must involve your closest girlfriends and zero boys. This is because women are innately built to act like children as opposed to men. In contrast to my own experiences in an all girls high school and living with seven other women for three years, it turns out that when women gather in a group they instinctually desire bright pastel party decor and game-packed itineraries to get to know one another. And at baby showers they can’t help but talk the way kids think adults talk by bringing up generic topics of conversation that cover all things baby. This focus in discussion may seem narrow and boring to the unfeminine eye, but with recent training I’ve discovered it has loads of possibilities. When talking about babies, you can talk about other people’s babies, what you’re hoping your baby will be like and the things that are cute about babies like their wittle hands and wittle feet. The topic of pregnancy is a crowd pleaser too; everyone wants to know if you had morning sickness and if you can feel the baby kicking. I just educated myself on breastfeeding, so now I can talk breast pumps, hands free bras for pumping and ask other moms how to do it. Then of course cute baby clothes…please I’m a woman, that’s all I’m supposed to be talking about anyway right? Clothes and fashion–now just a miniature version. Being a kid is great!

For years I had felt guilty for not being more mature, but this looming baby shower showed me that my real problem was that I just wasn’t being immature enough. Going out to clubs, drinking, playing video games now and then and not being more serious about everything around me is just basic teenager to early twenties kind of never-growin’-up stuff. That’s for babies! What our culture really wants is for women to go for the gold and stunt ourselves all the way back to elementary school days to act like sweet naive little pumpkins who prefer punch and cupcakes to whiskey and cupcakes whether they like it or not. And who better to propagate this belief than women themselves? Women make sure other women don’t make the mistake of throwing a party they really want. Girlfriends are always the first to gasp when you suggest you may host your own shower, or fake distress at the thought of no games. Baby showers are the time for women to stop thinking of themselves and  forget what brought them to a pregnant state in the first place–raunchy adult sex. From here on out, puritanical views of womanhood and life are key to what will lead to successful parenting, and it’s thanks to our fellow ladies that we can continue this tradition of making women who have already suffered months of body changes and nausea, suffer a little more for the sake of tradition. Face it, if baby showers weren’t worth doing in the first place, then why is it that men never made it a tradition of their own.

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Looking back at one of my blog posts from last year about the Republican Party’s presidential candidates, I was surprised to find that a woman’s instincts can be scarily right on.

Parker Platform

One thing I miss about being single is getting to overanalyze men. It’s fun dreaming up all the different ways a man is secretly in love with you: he hasn’t called since your last date because he’s scared he’s in love with you, he walks down the same street to get to his apartment next to yours because he’s in love with you, he broke up with you because his love for you made him want to work out his issues with another woman that doesn’t mean as much to him as you do.

Some books are trying to convince us to stop using overanalysis because according to them it’s easy to decipher a man’s actions. Oh really? Well then why did the OJ trial last nine months? I say to the single ladies, “He is that into you,” but you’ll only know it if you practice overanalysis…

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