Tag Archives: Women

Pregnant Lady Gut

Last week I brought up two things that our culture asks pregnant women to change: their tendency to talk about their feelings and their views on their bodies. After enough talk on talk, this week let us discuss, Le Gut.

Along with Le Thighs and Le Ass, Le Gut has never been a friend of mine or of any woman’s. Yes it is so sensual, so laissez-faire as it rides over low-rise jeans after a filling holiday meal, but like  dealing with a French man on your first visit to Europe, you are constantly reminded to keep it at bay with rigorous all-American exercise and strict pilgrim-like puritanical abstinence. From a young age we are prepared for the battle with our guts through instructions on sit-ups, crunches and Shape magazine articles with year-round ten new tips to bikini abs. And so we work-out, cut ourselves off from lady friends who lunch on guilty caloric pleasures, sacrifice Doritos for baby carrots and then we get pregnant and we’re told, “Forget all the work you’ve done, love that big belly of yours!” What? Does being a baby incubator make me no longer a woman? Don’t I still want to look good? Oh but you will. Once a woman gets preggers you see, we are all re-brainwashed to now believe that everyone finds nothing more attractive than a pregnant gut. To say otherwise is a horrible faux-pas that shows you to be unenlightened to the ways of womanhood and could get you banned from any upcoming baby showers (that last part I know is not much of a deterrent, but still, just in case). So agree with it, pregnant bellies are so beautiful, so natural. Yes, and so was my non-pregnant belly gut, but no one said how beautiful or sexy it was when it squeezed on out my ironic baby T’s back in the 90’s!

As someone who used to be at one time forty pounds heavier (on my frame = 6 dress sizes larger) without a baby inside, this whole, “Miracle of life makes my gut okay,” is hard to accept. Maybe getting fat is an exciting new adventure for skinny ladies who have never struggled with their weight, but for those of us who have worked hard to trim down and undo years of bad eating habits and lifestyle choices, the idea of purposefully putting on pounds is not cool. It’s like asking a recovering alcoholic to suddenly stop their sober lifestyle and start drinking a glass of booze a day. Hey but in 9 months, no worries, you’ll be back to normal!  Oh really?

Now I understand that expecting mothers are not asked to get fat for fat sake, it’s just enough weight to help feed the baby and your new babymaking machine of a body. But still, part of you is gonna get larger than usual. Your arms, your legs. Madonna got fat arms. Hilary Duff got fat legs. I even had a friend who got a fat nose!  Of course I’ll do what I have to do to make sure our baby is healthy and out of me, but please, oh please don’t tell me not to worry and just let my body do its thing. And definitely don’t ask me to suddenly find the larger me gorgeous. Isn’t that sort of a stretch? No pun intended. I see these women who get obsessed with this new weird shape they take on and even go so far to try and make it sexy. Why? Is it really? Or is it because as women we always have to feel that we are in a state of sexy at all times. What if we’re not sexy when we get knocked up, or beautiful–would that be so awful? I do acknowledge that there are some women who look absolutely precious with their big alien-like extended bellies. Although I think that has something more to do with those sweet goofy smiles they get when they talk about being pregnant than the belly itself. Oh wait…no it is the belly. ‘Cause it’s pretty funny to see a good friend with a big ol’ Buddha belly walking around. So cute. But beautiful? Sexy?

I’d rather not try to make it something it’s not. How about instead of fetishizing it with sexy belly shots, just look at it for what it is–a part of life and our bodies. Ears for instance are not that exciting to look at and not all that particularly beautiful, but I don’t go out and prove otherwise by taking a sexy or sweet photo of my ears. No I’ll stick to knowing that what I have to look forward to is nothing more than the perfect extended tight gut needed for that beer-drinking trucker costume I’ve always wanted to pull off at Halloween. When the time comes, I hope to neither love Le Gut, nor hate it, but just let it be. And instead of fretting over making it out to be more than it is, I say as the French would say, “C’est la vie.”

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Ladies Only Weekend Getaway

I’ve heard of these fancy lady outings where a group of women take a vacation alone together and do nothing. For women who do them it’s a getaway they look forward to and make time for. I, on the other hand, never understood them. Does that say something about my hormonal make-up? Is there something wrong with me that I’m not thrilled to just hang with the girls? Maybe it’s because of the four years spent in a same-sex high school, or maybe it’s because I can’t sit still, but for whatever reason, these kind of trips don’t come naturally to me. So imagine my surprise when a friend of mine proposed going to Palm Springs for her 40th birthday celebration. Of course! So exciting–hang with one of my best friends! Then she went into greater detail, “Yeah just me, you, Florence, Jessica, and not sure who else. Just a bunch of girls.”

There ended up being eight of us. All women. That’s right. No men. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a woman who loves the company of women, but in larger groups I prefer a mix of both sexes so I’ve never done a vacation with just the girls. Okay once I did when I was living in Seattle, but it wasn’t a vacation. It was just eight college roommates who scored a free hotel stay in Vancouver where we dressed up and spent the whole night out dancing and controlling our one drunk friend who couldn’t stop telling guys at the bar that she was from Australia in a really bad fake Australian accent (I swear it even sounded Vietnamese at times). Somehow the next morning we found the hotel in time to check out and drive back to Seattle. But a grown up, for-real, relaxed ladies vacation? Nope, never done it.

For those of you have never been on a women only retreat it consists of a few simple things: staying somewhere at least one or two hours away from where you live, weather that is pleasantly warm not scorching hot, a nice hotel with a pool, and a dreamy bed that is yours alone or lucky you, you get to share with a friend or friend of a friend you’ve never met. Then there are the activities: laying by a pool, reading trash mags, eating snacks your inner teen loves you for, and of course, drinking. That’s it. No going out and exploring your new surroundings. No meeting new people. No gettin’ into trouble. You just sit there by the pool. Literally just sit there… by the pool.

Not my pretty feet.

If it sounds Zen, that’s because it is. I don’t know if it’s my age or thoughts of my stressful calendar that did it, but somehow I found myself in Palm Springs taking pleasure in just sitting there a whole afternoon reading, chatting with friends, and doing nothing by the pool. Any other thoughts of my life in LA were nowhere near our mid-century escape. Later that night us ladies were so satisfied with our accommodations that we ordered take-out and stayed in by the pool. That stupid pool was incredible! Another great thing about this getaway was that nobody cared what anyone did, so while some of my friends went for a late-night jacuzzi dip, no one batted an eye when I opted to stay in my own private little room to finish some writing and work that I had been so desperately in need of completing without distractions. Pure heaven.

The next morning I woke up rested, jogged around the neighborhood, came back and took a swim in the salt water pool. Was I ready to enjoy another half day of bliss? Hells no. I don’t know what happened, but my nature set back in. As the other ladies slowly came out of their rooms and went back to their positions from the previous day, I suddenly had to get out, walk around, do something. Why don’t you just sit around and have some more delicious mustard flavored pretzels? No!! Oh come on, trash mag #2 has a whole article on the worst Hollywood butts in a bikini. No!!!! I looked around at all of the Zen Masters laying about the pool. I desperately tried to recall the peace I felt the day before. I even put only my special flowy and colorful moo moo and tried reading another chapter of Game of Thrones. Nothing. It was lost. That ladies who lunch type lady had exited the building and the regular can’t do nothing woman sunk back in. Since I had caught a ride with friends and couldn’t head back home until they were ready, I left the girls behind and strolled down to the center of town to wander and explore until it was time to head back.

In the end, it was exciting to be one of the girls in such a traditional way. All women need to be especially girly from time to time. It brings some ease and a feeling of pretty that is good for the soul. So would I do one these trips again? Yes, but I would drive myself to the destination so I can leave once my less ladylike self comes raging back out.

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Women Who Pose

For those of you who were taken off guard by Angelina Jolie‘s pose attack at the Oscars, you obviously haven’t been paying attention to the posing that surrounds you everyday. The mega-leg-pose did not come from out of nowhere; for those of you out of the loop, Angelina Jolie was just trying to out-pose every woman in the world who poses everyday for every photo no matter what the occasion. And although it was a valiant attempt, Angelina has got nothing on women who pose.

Women who pose are not models, they’re women you know.  They are your friends, coworkers and girlfriends who love to take and post photos of themselves in perfect albeit recycled poses. I am always impressed by posers. These women can’t help but make damn sure they look picture perfect for every photo. For women who pose, there is no “downtime” there are no “sweatpant days” even when they’re wearing sweatpants.  They are always ready for the camera with or without makeup. They know their good sides, their bad sides, how to fluff limp hair and at which angle to tilt the camera and their heads. They make sure their eyes are big but their smiles are not. They suck in their cheeks and keep their chins down. They hold their arms back and awkwardly away from their bodies. When they pout, it’s no joke, they want you to find them alluring. Unlike famous actresses who may find such posing tricks day in and day out as burdensome, for women who pose they are not, because women who pose love to have photos taken of themselves all the time. And should no one be around to take it for them, they will take it themselves.

On the flip-side are the women I love to see who are enjoying life too much to be bothered with making themselves out to be a kind of fake beauty they’re not. My favorite photos are of women laughing, talking or just being in the moment. But up against women who pose, these women have no chance. I don’t know how these poses started off exactly. Of course hard and straight ahead was pretty cool during the Civil War and then smiles were all the rage after the depression. Mothers back in the day used to direct their daughters to stand with one leg in front of the other, hand over hand to look demure. Then when I was growing up I learned to say cheese so no one would see my childhood photos and think I was a waste of youth. But somehow, between elementary school photos and Facebook, these women were taught something I was never let in on–look hot for the world and be serious about it.

It takes real balls to take your looks that seriously and for this breed of women it’s no joke. They never feel silly about doing what it takes for a compliment. Even in a group photo where everyone else is smiling big, these women don’t find it funny that they’re the only ones obviously trying too hard to look attractive by tilting their heads to one side and giving a pursed smile. These females have honed the craft of controlling their image to look beautiful, which for women means looking sexy, innocent, desirable, sweet, vibrant, attainable, untouchable and strong in one dramatic pose: the chin down and pout or chin down and smirk.

Seeing that at least 1 in 4 women I know do it, I decided to try it out myself. Everyone else is so serious about themselves and their looks, why shouldn’t I be? Maybe there’s something to gain from being self-conscious.

The innocent "I got out of bed but won't let that stop me from taking a photo and looking cute" pose

When I posted these up, I couldn’t help but think of those pre-teens putting up YouTube videos of themselves and asking if they’re pretty or not.  Obviously those girls were too young to get the memo, because I learned what one posing friend of mine would like to advise them, “Never question your looks, just make them!”  Turns out posing really works.

"I'm at the gym and just finished working out" Pose

I was sure the reaction to my photos were going to be, “That’s hilarious!” Instead I got, “Great pic,” and “You look hot!” I had no idea that these over-posed unnatural looks are considered attractive. I think I got more compliments on these photos than my headshots (okay except for the gym one)!  It’s no wonder why women who pose do it; it must be like a drug for them–post a photo, receive a compliment.  Now I understand that as a woman compliments on my looks in photos are supposed to make me feel good, and yet they don’t–at least not these. Deep down, I know I’m trying too hard which I’ve been told all my life is unattractive. In the arts, in job interviews, on dates, even presidential hopefuls are told not to try too hard, let loose and just be yourself if you want to be liked. But somehow, these poses get a free pass because people think they make women look good. Do they really, or do they make us look like one big fake boob? Maybe that’s it–Americans still like their women to look fake, and if it’s not with a body part then it might as well be in a pose.

Which reminds me of the one pose my friend Andromeda told me not to forget–the push your boobs up and make them part of the photo pose.

Great pic!

If you have any great pics of women who pose or stories about them, please share–they’d love it if you would.

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F*%k You Breast Cancer Research!

Take a quick look at these photos. What one thing do I have in all of them? That’s right, a big happy smile. But now after reading an article in the New York Times, it looks like these happy photos will be no more ’cause according to new research findings, a few drinks can raise your risk of getting breast cancer. Well f**k you Breast Cancer! And f#%k your researchers!

Breast cancer has always pissed me off. Thanks to breast cancer I have to do circular check-up feel-ups on my breasts that I still don’t know when to do so I do them every time fear sets in; thanks to breast cancer women get to look forward to getting their boobs smashed for mammograms-SMASHED! Breast cancer can kill big breasted women’s identity and one of their massive appendages, for small breasted women, it can take the tiny bit of boob the tiny boobied already have, and worst of all breast cancer killed a beautiful, healthy, charming and giggly friend of mine when she was 30 and that is just f**king unforgivable. Then yesterday I hear this bull$*it that any amount of alcohol increases women’s chances of developing breast cancer?! F**k you Breast Cancer! Women like their booze!

What would Sex and the City be if it wasn’t for their stupid Cosmos? What would ladies night be without a cheesy bottle of red wine to accompany our very in-depth conversation? How few dudes would we really have to choose from if we didn’t have drink goggles? How many ladies would never see their husbands during sports seasons if they couldn’t hang with a pitcher of beer? And what kind of awful mistakes would we not learn from if we couldn’t get stupid with some complicated dumb-named shots in college?  To take drinking from women isn’t just a little something we can all do without, you’re robbing us of an entire way of life.  Oh so what? Men are the only ones that can enjoy the amazing happy  hours that have finally sprung up, or the fancy cocktail schmocktail revolution us mixed drink fans have waited for for so long? F**k you! Drink time has finally gotten good and now that smoking is out of the picture, I have too few vices in my life to get this taken away from me too. Not that I always drink, but hell, if I can’t indulge in Balenciaga then Lord let me please feel that I can indulge in a drink when I feel like it. F*@k you Breast Cancer. Why? Why?

Hell – you know what Breast Cancer? I probably shouldn’t even be so pissed off at you for this booze attack. You’re just doing your thing. It’s those God da** researchers that are f#*king things up! Seriously?! You had to spend 30 years researching a bunch of drunk ladies? You couldn’t look into plastics, the environment, cars, Chicken McNuggets?!  What’s next on your list party poopers: chocolate, deep tissue massage, Paris?! Oh f*%k you if I can’t go to Paris ’cause so far thanks to your awesome new finding I can never visit New Orleans again unless I chop my breasts off and go Chaz Bono. What’s supposed to happen to the women who like to relax, feel a little sexier than usual and pretend we’re in a Tuscan villa when having dinner with friends? What’s our alternative? Pot?! I’m not in college anymore! I can’t do that 7 days a week! Nothing against those that can, but sorry, I have never found a particularly good pairing between pot and lobster. Sure pot is great to build an appetite but you can’t take tiny puffs while eating-trust me, the flavor never compliments a menu outside of Jack in the Box. How about cocaine? What about it? I can’t afford it. Plus you can’t do it casually while getting ready for a night out on the town and you can’t snort it when a friend is feeling in the dumps and needs a sympathetic ear. On cocaine we’d all be the worst friends ever. And forget psychedelics, those take too long and there is no hair of the dog brunch that can cure the awful hangover the next day. Oh sh**! Brunch! I hadn’t thought about that. Stupid researchers are getting rid of ladies with mimosas?! Ah hells no!

What’s with you people? You’ve obviously got a grudge. So what is it Mr. and Mrs. Scientist Researcher? Did you hate waiting in line for breakfast on Sundays at your favorite restaurant? Did loud ladies at the bar scare you from being yourself and having a good time? What, you don’t like helping platformed women up who stumbled drunk on the ground? Or maybe you did all this ’cause you’re both perverts and love you some drunk women. I get that. You figured the only way to surround yourself with 100,000 easy ladies for 30 years was to have someone else pay for the drinks and call it research. Yeah, we’ve all heard that before-we just didn’t know it was true!!!! From here on out us ladies have got to save ourselves and our good times. Please, I beg you all, do NOT volunteer for any other research that is finding fault with anything you might love. And researchers please, if you have to put out shi**y findings like yesterday’s, then please balance it with some shi**y findings for men as well.

Thank you.

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The Art of Overanalysis GOP Edition

One thing I miss about being single is getting to overanalyze men. It’s fun dreaming up all the different ways a man is secretly in love with you: he hasn’t called since your last date because he’s scared he’s in love with you, he walks down the same street to get to his apartment next to yours because he’s in love with you, he broke up with you because his love for you made him want to work out his issues with another woman that doesn’t mean as much to him as you do.

Some books are trying to convince us to stop using overanalysis because according to them it’s easy to decipher a man’s actions. Oh really? Well then why did the OJ trial last nine months? I say to the single ladies, “He is that into you,” but you’ll only know it if you practice overanalysis regularly in female company with wine or hot tea. But how about women in relationships, how do we keep this blade sharp? By dissecting the only men out there still pursuing us: Politicians.

To practice, let’s take a look at the current hunters and gatherers seeking the GOP nomination. Since overanalysis takes hours of discussion, let’s use today’s blog to go over step one – you and me girl, we’re talking first impressions! Be totally superficial. There are a lot of guys interested in you so we need to know who’s really worth discussing. And trust me, if you want him then he wants you.
Declared 2012 Republican Presidential Candidates in Alphabetical Order

Michele Bachmann
U.S. Representative from Minnesota

With a name like that he’s gotta be French. That’s great cause French guys are usually into girls like us that are not traditional American beauties. But Michele’s kind of a funny lookin’ dude. A little too pretty, boyish fem. Like he doesn’t want to grow up or he’s just really young and doesn’t know anything.

Herman Cain
Businessman, Politician & Media

He looks kinda old so you have to decide if you still like that. You know when you’re young you’re into older guys, then after a certain age the tables turn and you become the old person into the young kid? I think I’m almost hitting that point. Also those glasses scream, I’m really into numbers and you’re gonna have to pay for your own meal. INTIMACY ALERT!

Newt Gingrich
Former Speaker of the House

Super dirty old man.  Jovial soft looking guys creep me out, especially when they sound too straight and narrow. That’s a sure sign there’s some super dirty dirt-like hookers and blow kind of dirt. He’ll pursue you ‘cause you’re wholesome; something he needs to satisfy his desire for unconditional mommy love. But don’t fall for this type again! Jerks in sheep’s clothing always use you, dump you and then leave you at a friend’s place to cry.

Jon Huntsman
Former Governor of Utah and Ambassador to China

He’s a little chipmunky but I love that his name is both manly and ketchup. I get the feeling he’s known some serious fuckups back when he had a band and didn’t know what he wanted to do with his life. He probably got into politics ’cause he figured it’d be a good time. Hell, he was an ambassador! Elegant party right here! He may have good intentions but may be scared to be with you cause he might not be ready to settle.

Gary Johnson
Former Governor of New Mexico

Gary needs a new haircut. He seems timid, like he kind of likes you but wants you to like him more. After trying to get you to like him he’ll probably get really pissed off when you like someone else. This type complains that girls only like jerks, but his only friends are those jerks.

Fred Karger
Political Consultant & Gay Rights Activist

Why hello. He looks kinda tall. So cute! Oh wait, he’s gay? Damn. Should have known. Oh well. Next!

Andy Martin
Self-Professed People’s Attorney General & Internet Powerhouse

He looks like he got away with something. His tie is twisted which can be adorable, but did you hear what he did? He started rumors about another guy’s birth certificate. Are you kidding me? A 66 year old man starting rumors! He’ll probably seem really fun and sweet at first, but when you dump him he’s gonna tell everyone how much of a bitch you are. Stay away from this smiling menace!

Jimmy McMillan
Former Mayoral, Gubernatorial & Senatorial Candidate for the Rent Is Too Damn High Party

Look at his look! So cool.  Plus he’s so angry. This hipster obviously knows what attitude compliments his wardrobe. If you go for him he’s gonna want you to be 500% committed cause that’s how he is with his politics, his art, his everything. It’s his way or no way. I don’t know if any of us are ready for that kind of commitment.

Tom Miller
Career Flight Attendant

I know I’m not supposed to look at what these guys do, but come on. If a guy puts it all out there you’re gonna look. His boring awkward look screams safe bet, but he’s a flight attendant so we all know what that means: Flight Attendant = Slut. He could be one of the few monogamous ones, but seriously, do you want to go through the whole dating process with that on your mind?

Ron Paul
Representative from the State of Texas

He likes them young and you’re good with it cause you like them older so he can teach you things. And he seems really cool; you just wish he’d hang out with more people his own age instead of those beautiful hippie girls he’s friends with at the Indian Buffet restaurant near campus. Guys like Ron love strong independent women and are cool with them doing whatever as long as they’re cool with him doing whatever. Kind of dreamy, but he can’t commit. He’ll inevitably dump you for a younger student.

Rick Perry
Current Governor of Texas

Oh yeah, he seems fun! Don’t know if he has much to offer though. Like he’s gonna be into you but then you’ll realize he can’t offer you everything you deserve. Not saying you won’t get it on great, but after awhile you’ll finally dump him and move on to someone that’s right for you. Cool thing is he’ll be so happy for you he’ll probably go to your wedding and be the first to congratulate you.

Buddy Roemer
Former Governor of Louisiana

Not a good time. Seriously? He was the Governor of Louisiana and still looks like this! You can do so much better.

Mitt Romney
Former Governor of Massachusetts

So handsome. You sure he’s not a flight attendant? Guys like this are actually the easiest to get. Known fact, cute boys fall for women that talk to them like a normal person. Just pretend you’re not into him for his looks only and hear him out. Who knows he might be okay. Thing is though, he’s got that east coast handsome thing going on which means he could seem fun and up for all types now but would never take you home to mom. This guy will end up with a conservative traditional type his dad and sailing buddies would be proud of.

Rick Santorum
Former US Senator from Pennsylvania

Okay if you need to get your Ryan Reynolds fantasy going then fine, but you’ll regret it later and be super ashamed. He seems cute, but he’s that weird late developed cute-like he was the ugly kid that turned better looking in college so he’s gonna be sort of cheesy and you’ll be stuck pretending to smile and laugh through a lot of his awkward jokes.

Vern Wuensche
Businessman

Vern’s okay, but he’s gonna spend tons of time explaining how to pronounce his last name. He’ll be super appreciative that you took the time to get his name right ‘cause nobody else takes the time to listen. Then he’ll go on and on about himself and well, you know what? Forget it.

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